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Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Have No Idea What You’re Talking About

If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s hardboiled eggs.

And people who butt in line.

And getting rained on.

And graffiti.

OK. So that’s more than just one thing I dislike. But believe me when I tell you that I have good reasons for these passions.

Take the graffiti, for example. I mean, the premise is good: I can write, I have something to say, therefore I shall write. Over here. On your fence.

See. That’s where the “disliking” part comes in.

It is, as our UK friends like to say, where it all goes pear-shaped.

The vandalism – I mean, let’s set that aside for the moment. My views on what should be done with people who write their names on my property have been well-documented. I stand four-square on the side of publicly humiliating these little miscreants – with spoiled fruit, whenever possible – and would gladly give up to five dollars a rotten, fleshy peach for the chance to pelt one in the side of the head with it.

Not that violence is the answer.

What I really object to, however, is the mis-use of the language. Can we agree, here and now, that any and all sentence fragments inclined to make me believe that the speaker has a speech impediment, a head injury, or a recent tongue piercing - including references to “da boyz”, “h8az ‘n’ playas”, and/or asking for blanket “4giveniss” - must stop?

I must confess, however, to a certain curiosity over a recent addition to the graffiti by someone whose tag, apparently, is “Low Flow”. It’s not much of a tag, is it, but it amuses me to think that somewhere, out there, in the dead of night, a rogue plumber is ferreting his way around buildings with cans of Krylon, doing his best to encourage the use of water-conserving toilets and showerheads.

Look. I know. The “taggers” are a special breed, out to illuminate my dull, cob-webby brain with their glyphs and squiggles and colorfully aggressive style, but you’ll excuse me, SL33PY P33W33 – if that is your real name! – if I remain unimpressed. To cut straight to the point, the instrument necessary to measure my indifference to understanding your repetitive angst has yet to be built; so whatever you’ve been trying to say by incessantly spraying the message “SL33PY P33W33” on fences and garages has, unfortunately, been lost.

Am I poorer, for not understanding? I don’t feel any poorer.

But maybe I would if I just knew what ol’ SL33PY was trying to get at.

If only we had a language in common...

20 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

I am going to get you a Sharpie and send you out to correct some of this misuse of language! Get get 'em Puuuuuurrrrlzzzz101.

powdergirl said...

Too 1337 for me, I can't understand a word you're saying here.

LMA said...

I have a peeve with writing in some odd, unrecognized language of nonsense in general. I loathe text language of most kinds, letter words, and hood conversations. It's not just on the fences, it's in the stalls we use as well. I'm no fan of the public restrooms but when you must go, you must go. I have discovered that women take so long because they are trying to decipher the text/new age/ridiculously incorrect verbiage on the walls and doors....all while hanging their purses around their neck to properly do "the stance".

Pearl said...

Bossy, I had not even considered my own tag. Hmm. Purl? K1P2, to all you crafters out there (holla!!). I think "P" by itself is rather cryptic...

Powdergirl, that's because these guys are D33P and cannot be bothered with communication when they're ever so busy being artistic.

LMA, :-) I've been known to "correct" bathroom stall graffiti for fun. :-)

Sweet Cheeks said...

In high school a form of 'cheating' developed in one of the bathroom stalls in the girls locker room.

Written on the back of the door in pencil (so that it could be easily erased and rewritten) were answers to tests given by the 'hard' teachers. One stall in particular was known as the 'test potty'.
First thing in the morning of test day girls would run to the stall and write the answers to the test on the back of the door. Throughout the day that potty was frequented a million times, answers were shared, corrections to the list were made, short debates sprung up as to whether or not the right answer was really C or A...and then at the end of the day or just before the next test, it was magically erased and started all over again. The 'test potty' was almost always for English and History (subjects I did well in) so I had little use for it, but some girls really needed the help.

Genius or Criminal? Hmmm...depends on one's perspective.
=]

Cheeseboy said...

There should be a class before you are allowed to tag. Maybe they could offer something at the community rec center?

Hard boiled eggs? Really?

Douglas said...

I just want to spraypaint "Stop Graffiti!" on every wall and fence I see...

Argent said...

A properly painted piece of wall-art (if we can so dignify it) can be a delight but the lazy scrawlings of the empty-headed, semi-literate buffoons we get round here ('Shaz luvs Baz', 'Man U 4 Eva', 'Steve is gay') really makes me want to start spraying myself - bullets!

Pearl said...

Sweet Cheeks, I always suspected you of knowing dark things... :-)

CHeeseboy, what can I say? I was assaulted by a hardboiled egg as a teenager. Wait. Maybe that was a-salted. ha ha aaaaaa whaddaya want for a Thursday...

Douglas, I would laugh aloud!

Argent, we agree on this one. It's one thing to see something well done, but it's another to just pollute...

Jenn Thorson said...

You know what I hate? When people graffiti hardboiled eggs.

Wait, that's Easter, isn't it?

Well-- whatevah. That Easter Bunny is so on my list. :)

CatLadyLarew said...

It would be amusing to take the taggers and tie them to a fence so they spell out LOLZ with their bodies.

Question for Jenn... where do you buy the teeny tiny cans of Krylon for the eggs?

Pearl said...

Very funny, Jenn! :-D

CatLady, THAT, my friend, is a great idea!

Willoughby said...

I blame Rachel Ray. Ok, she may not be a tagger, but she uses words like "yummmo" and "sammy" (meaning sandwich, I guess). I'm sure that's where the taggers get all of their ideas! They watch Food Network, don't they?

Krëg said...

One-word-retort: Banksy.

Jon said...

Banksy Shmansky, the man's a vandal. If he had anything decent to paint he could do it on canvas and all that.

Mind you, he did paint some scrawl on our street that did house prices no harm at all.

Little Ms Blogger said...

How funny you imagined that "low flow" was written by a plumber. I thought this was the nickname of a woman or was describing a woman's time of the month.

I know. I'm gross. I'm hanging my head in shame.

About the grammar issue, I hate when people use alot instead of a lot.

mrwriteon said...

Pear, my pearl, I agree with you about all your dislikes -- with the exception of hard-boiled eggs. I love 'em.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Had to go and look up Banksy. Very clever stuff, but I still wouldn't want it on my house. Sitting at baseball games, we watch trains roll by just beyond the outfield. Many are tagged, and I can't say I mind. If I owned BNSF, would I care? It's not like they keep the cars sparkling clean; the designs just add a little character. But yeah, I might care if I were the owner.

Tempo said...

I found a way to get them to obliterate their own work... I bought a big black texta and wrote "...is a wanker" next to and over their work..and found it appropriately ruined a few days later.
Of course their wanting to do it and our not wanting them to,is not about art but about respect. They dont have any and want to show it, and we oldies want due and proper respect.
'Why, in MY day...'

bettyl said...

I suppose every generation has 'stuff' that the 'older generation' doesn't get and I agree that tagging is definitely one of them. But I do like boiled eggs.