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Saturday, February 19, 2011

I'm Not Buying That Cat Sake Anymore

A re-post/introduction to Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys)... I cleaned a house last night with Mary and was not up to writing. Enjoy!

Saturday was Liza Bean Bitey’s birthday. My son spent much of Friday night abusing me for knowing such a thing – I should’ve never sent that card to her! – but how could I have not? She wrote it on the calendar!

So we set our differences aside, Liza Bean and I, and went out for sushi Saturday night. You know, you get a couple of glasses of sake in her, and that cat is hilarious!

Of course, there’s a fine line between enough sake and too much, but before the fist fight, we had a great time.

Wait – if you don’t have thumbs, is it still considered a “fist”?

We over-ordered, naturally. We both adore sushi, and it had been so long, with the scariness of the stock markets, the upcoming election in the U.S., etc., but how often does a kitty turn three?

Exactly.

What a great evening. By tacit agreement, no mention was made of the late-night calls from Kuala Lumpur or of the strange notebook (all in French, for some reason) I found hidden in the basement. If Liza is a spy or a smuggler of some sort, we both felt it prudent to pretend to forget, if only for the evening. Why ruin a good time?

Liza can’t hold her liquor, though. Oh, she thinks she can, but she started to slur her words half-way through the first bottle and in short order had her head in her paws, bemoaning the state of airline security.

“Take off your shoes,” she muttered. “Yeah, right.” She fixed her bright green eyes on me. “Do I look like I’m wearin’ shoes to you?”

She shook her head in disgust and the bell on her dress collar – the one with the pink faux-diamonds on it – jingled merrily.

It was at this time that the man at the next table determined that our conversation, such as it was, was his business.

“Hey,” he said to Liza Bean, leaning into the space between the tables. “If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to where you came from?”

“What?” Liza said, focusing on him. “What did you just say?”

The man paused. Hadn’t the cat seemed to have an accent just moments ago? He decided to stand his ground.

“You heard me,” he said. “If you don’t like it, you should go back to where you came from.”

Liza sat up on her back legs, placing both paws on the table in front of her. The end of her tail twitched dangerously.

Uh-oh.

“Back to where I came from?” she purred. “You want me to go back to the farm, is that it? Maybe you” – and she jabbed a gracefully curved claw of her right paw toward the man – “want to go back to the farm, too?”

And with that, she leapt.

What ensued was a melee of yowling and shouting, the sound of breaking glass and overturned chairs as restaurant patrons scrambled out of the way of the belligerent man with a drunken, hissing cat clinging to his shoulders, clawing at his head.

I downed the last of the sake.

The police were called, of course; and I was forced to use the money I’d been saving for a flat-screen TV to bail her out. It was, after all, her birthday.

I can’t say that I blame her, but there’s another restaurant we can’t go to anymore.

Oh, well. Happy Birthday, Liza Bean Bitey.

20 comments:

who said...

I almost positive it can be considered a fist if it all goes into the same place.

Happy Birthday!

Douglas said...

I started off thinking, "Wow! Cat Sake... what a great idea." I could imagine a cat daiquiri. I even have a sweat shirt with a cat in a blender on it. But to strain it out so that it is as liquid as sake is... that's an accomplishment. And then I read further. Imagine my disappointment. It's enough to make me start back drinking.

Pearl said...

Who, and it packs a punch.

Douglas, I imagine Cat Sake to be a rather strong drink that will lead to promiscuity and table-dancing. No, wait. That's mojitos...

Barbara Blundell said...

Think I would have left her to stew in her own sake and got the flat screen TV

Sioux Roslawski said...

It sounds like that man got pussy-whipped...

jenny_o said...

Love your cat tales!

powdergirl said...

I've seen a cat(mine) beat the crap out of a grown man, his fiance, and their big Huskey. Threw tham all out the front door. Also got a good swipe in at my large husband before I soothed the savage beast. It was awesome to behold her fury.
My money would have been on Liza Bean Bitey (Of the Minneapolis Biteys).

becca said...

liza bean stories are wonderful

Jhon Baker said...

Great great. i hadn't read this before and it is an important story in the liza bean history.

Susan in the Boonies said...

So much for the dim idea of what it might be like to go cattin' around with a true animal of the feline persuasion. She's just a naughty one, that Liza Bean, and she obviously can't hold her liquor.

Good thing y'all weren't doing sake bombs.

Can you say Hiroshima?

I thought you could.

River said...

I'm now picturing Liza Bean as a full grown lioness. Remind me to bring her a truckload od sushi should I ever visit you. Just to keep on her good side.

24 Corners said...

I now dedicate my Kitty Eating Sushi picture to Miss. Liza Bean...but she *must* learn to hold her Sake!
Have a relaxing weekend...
xo J~

injaynesworld said...

A day you were "not up to writing..." You have no idea how good that makes me feel. I'm lucky to get two posts a week done and I'm always completely shamed by your prolific awesomeness.

Love Liza Bean!

Oilfield Trash said...

I still love the Liza Bean stories.

The Constant Complainer said...

Pearl, I am a first-time visitor to your blog. I clicked-through from Eva's blog.

@injaynesworld These days, I'm lucky to get one post a week up. LOL.

That Janie Girl said...

Happy Birthday, sweet Liza Bean. I know you really didn't like that restaurant anyway.

Eva Gallant said...

Pearl, your Liza Bean Bitey tales are wonderful! Thanks so much for reposting this, as I had not yet found your blog the first time!

Roses said...

You really should know better taking that puss out for sushi and sake.

But, I agree with Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), people on other tables shouldn't join in your conversation. And good for her for teaching him manners.

Munir said...

My son will love your stories. He had a beautiful cat named "Toffu" who got sick and dizzy from his flea collar. Thanks for encouraging my blog. I am sixty years old and whatever time I have left, I want to write to make this world a better place. I see that you are interested in protest letter. I wrote a whole book protesting our nation's eating habbits and getting health problems that could have been avoided. Let me know if you like to read it. I will email you a copy.

lgsquirrel said...

Say, Pearl, I'm from Kuala Lumpur. You want that I should look into all those late night calls?