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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wherein the Kitty Plot Thickens

It was not in Liza Bean’s handwriting – there’s no mistaking her writing, after all: the spiky, Old-World accent to her tidy, practiced script. It was her book, but this was not her handwriting, nor were these her words.

It didn’t take much reading to determine whose words they were. The handwriting was loopy, large girl-y letters, the “i”s dotted with little circles, the exclamation points punctuated with little hearts.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), of whom I’ve written before, is a tiny Mata Hari of a cat, a known flirt and a suspected spy. The late-night calls to Televiv she used to take in the bathroom with the water running to mask the sound (she knows how I hate that!) have ended, but she’s been taking my car more and more often and returning it later and later… I have seen her in a fist fight, and I’ve seen the attraction she gets from the media. I have suspected this cat of being a jewel thief, a smuggler of things bound to be charged as felonies, a cat with shadowy connections to the world’s underground.

How this has happened is beyond me, and I’m ashamed to admit that it’s happened on my watch.

So you can only imagine my surprise when I found her notebook in the bathroom this morning.

And you can imagine my further surprise to find, upon opening the book, not Liza Bean’s thoughtful, measured strokes but the spastic, bubble-gum script of a junior high student.

Was this Dolly G. Squeaker (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers)?

Wait. The last time I opened this notebook I found her notes to someone named Radu, something alluding to a security vault in Val D’Isere. Has this notebook been purposely left behind?

I must examine this possibility further…

The following is a verbatim transcription of the words written in Liza Bean Bitey’s journal. I think you’ll agree with me that something’s afoot:

Helloooooo! You said you would and now you is and I am so happy!

Meow-meow! Meow-meow!

You’re going OVERSEEZE. OVERSEEZE! That sounds so far away! I’ll bet it is far away. You’re going to bring me a present, aren’t you? I’ll hide it behind the teevee, back where no one cleans, with the other things you bring back! Ooooh, bring me something good to smell. Ooooh! What will you bring me from OVERSEEZE? Meow-meow! Meow-meow!

It was signed with the print from a paw that appears, actually, to have first been in the butter..

Something’s going on here, people. The cats are up to something.


Putz said...

so did you ever find your missing vacAtion money???????

Ponita in Real Life said...

Cats are always up to something. Lila is constantly trying to sabotage my computer. Pips is sneakier and places well controlled bites on my footwear, presumably to make them unwearable in an effort to get me to stay home.

They are sneaky little buggers, aren't they!?

Have you checked behind the teevee to see what Dolly Gee Squeakers has hidden there???

Laoch of Chicago said...

"The cats are up to something." As well they should be!

a Broad said...

You know, I live OverSeeeze.

Eva Gallant said...

That's why I no longer have cats. Too much drama!

bruce said...

cats...they are all not of this earth...

surely they are spies, of the cat planet tabbithia...

i still like them

the TuckMonster

bruce johnson jadip
stupid stuff i see and hear
The guy book
the guy book

andiepants said...

I love my cats, but I don't trust them. They're always scheming, plotting, planning...I don't want to know what's really going on in those furry little heads.

On a separate note, your snow piece is VERY timely, and now it's live on the site! http://praxismagazine.com/?p=282

Sausage Fingers said...

The kitty from my post "1 more mouth to feed" from October is now running the damn house, lucky little bastard.

Kay Dennison said...

Cats can be nefarious indeed!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Did I miss something? Is this your cute way of telling us you've got exciting travel plans? xo

Argent said...

I think you should confront the guilty party and demand a confession. Whether you'll get anything other than a 'Who? Me?' look of injured innocence remains to be seen.

Cheeseboy said...

I have seen the kitten underground and it is a dark, dark place. No wonder this cat is so untrustworthy.

Gigi said...

Without a doubt she is up to something! Overseez, my eye. That was just said to throw you off. I'd be keeping a watchful eye on the neighborhood if I were you.

lisleman said...

for your cat's sake I hope wikileaks doesn't get a hold of this.

Ricky Shambles said...

If they're not stealing your breath or soul in sleep, they're messing with your butter - especially if you don't clean the box every day. Best of luck.

Jhon Baker said...

In dealing iwth one of my kitties - ellie (with no more of an interesting name) has taken to eating pizza and bread if left out. I am confounded as I've never had a cat so unfinicky before.

Eric said...

Did you, going to change her kitty litter, find she had scratched the words "some cat!" into the pan?