Good afternoon, and welcome, everyone, to Acme Grommets and Sprockets’ monthly Meeting of the Minds, where minds meet, monthly.
Let’s turn it over now to your CEO and mine, Randolph T. Freakly.
Randolph, take it away!
Thank you, Dirk.
You know, we here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years. From the crusts I now leave on my sandwiches in a silent show of solidarity with you, my humble white-collar workers, to the brisk nod of acknowledgement I recently gave a homeless fellow, you’ll find the name Randolph T. Freakly to be synonymous with the common man.
Yes, I am behind you; and I want you to bear in mind that this is a figurative statement and not, as some wag recently remarked, a literal one. Frankly, my using you as a human shield would not only be inappropriate but entirely unsanitary. If I were to do such a thing, let me assure all present that I would be, as I have in all of my communications, forthcoming with such an opportunity and clear on its expectations.
Which brings me, if I may segue thusly, to the highlight of this month’s meeting: expenditures.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am excited, as I know you all will be, to announce that the business has finally turned the corner, that we are not only meeting our projected goals but are also benchmarking like crazy people and spearheading all those things requiring spearing.
We’ve done so well that, for the first time in three years, I have hired a personal sycophant.
Ah. I see the looks of pleasure on your collective faces.
As many of you know, I was forced to lay off my last toady, Miss Inga, when she dipped her assets in the punchbowl at last year’s holiday festivities. Let me tell you, she left a big hole in the heart of this company, and staff meetings have not been the same without her special brand of input.
She has been missed.
Of course we can never go back, can we? What worked then does not work now. No, sir, this is a new economy, and we have a new way of looking at things.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Cyndi. Cyndi, will you stand please?
There you are! Yoo hoo!
Cyndi comes to us with much experience in nodding, fawning, chuckling mindlessly, sucking up, and being inscrutably busy with nothing to do; and while we’ve siphoned off many of the duties of my previous assistant to other employees here we hope to have Cyndi fully trained by the end of the year on such things as turning on the office lights, bringing the daily newspaper from the elevator bank to the lunchroom, and reliably blinking when she notices her eyes are getting dry.
Just look at her nodding over there! Worth every penny! Yes she is!
Yes, this is the time of year when we are mindful of the many blessings in our lives: of family, of friends, and of knowing when to keep our mouths shut in order to keep our jobs.
Happy Holidays, loyal workers!
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