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Thursday, December 2, 2010

A Sure Sign of Economic Growth

Good afternoon, and welcome, everyone, to Acme Grommets and Sprockets’ monthly Meeting of the Minds, where minds meet, monthly.

Let’s turn it over now to your CEO and mine, Randolph T. Freakly.

Randolph, take it away!


Thank you, Dirk.

You know, we here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years. From the crusts I now leave on my sandwiches in a silent show of solidarity with you, my humble white-collar workers, to the brisk nod of acknowledgement I recently gave a homeless fellow, you’ll find the name Randolph T. Freakly to be synonymous with the common man.

Yes, I am behind you; and I want you to bear in mind that this is a figurative statement and not, as some wag recently remarked, a literal one. Frankly, my using you as a human shield would not only be inappropriate but entirely unsanitary. If I were to do such a thing, let me assure all present that I would be, as I have in all of my communications, forthcoming with such an opportunity and clear on its expectations.

Which brings me, if I may segue thusly, to the highlight of this month’s meeting: expenditures.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am excited, as I know you all will be, to announce that the business has finally turned the corner, that we are not only meeting our projected goals but are also benchmarking like crazy people and spearheading all those things requiring spearing.

We’ve done so well that, for the first time in three years, I have hired a personal sycophant.

Ah. I see the looks of pleasure on your collective faces.

As many of you know, I was forced to lay off my last toady, Miss Inga, when she dipped her assets in the punchbowl at last year’s holiday festivities. Let me tell you, she left a big hole in the heart of this company, and staff meetings have not been the same without her special brand of input.

She has been missed.

Of course we can never go back, can we? What worked then does not work now. No, sir, this is a new economy, and we have a new way of looking at things.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Cyndi. Cyndi, will you stand please?

There you are! Yoo hoo!

Cyndi comes to us with much experience in nodding, fawning, chuckling mindlessly, sucking up, and being inscrutably busy with nothing to do; and while we’ve siphoned off many of the duties of my previous assistant to other employees here we hope to have Cyndi fully trained by the end of the year on such things as turning on the office lights, bringing the daily newspaper from the elevator bank to the lunchroom, and reliably blinking when she notices her eyes are getting dry.

Just look at her nodding over there! Worth every penny! Yes she is!

Yes, this is the time of year when we are mindful of the many blessings in our lives: of family, of friends, and of knowing when to keep our mouths shut in order to keep our jobs.

Happy Holidays, loyal workers!

Meeting adjourned.

26 comments:

Jhon Baker said...

I would like my own "Cindi" in the form of a dog.

Douglas said...

Why must we always pick on the bimbos? As the self-proclaimed president of Bimbos Of Our Businesses (do I have to spell it out?) local #1, I endeavor to ensure that all of our members of BOOBs #1 are treated with respect and, if I may say so, awe for the ability to inspire the upper management to ... uh, well, never mind what they are inspired to do.

Simply Suthern said...

And all the jaws in the room collectively drop.

Oh My Gawd, I have been in that "I'm glad I'm me, it must suck to be you" meeting.

Pearl said...

Jhon, she is not quite as trainable...

Douglas, I'm not sure she's a full-on bimbo, but she certainly is full-on daft.

Simply, it gives us something to think about, I'll tell you that much!

Glen said...

Speaking as the person of the first part who has been associated with the person of the second part (hereafter referred to as the second part person), I can definitely imply that in no way is it likely any decision will be being made today as to the likelihood of any decisions being made by those of the third part.
Until that time in which the second part person can be bothered to make a cup of tea to go with the biscuits that I, as senior adviser to the senior adviser, purchased earlier today at the supermarket, but will not be opening until such time as a cup of tea has been provided.
Is anyone taking the minutes?

reasonably chubby said...

Hey, I AM Cindy...Lol! But seriously. I don't appreciate your sarcasm when it comes to blinking my eyes to keep them from getting too dry. I have to, how else do you expect me to see all the hineys I need to kiss?

Pearl said...

Glen, I'm sorry -- I was staring at the bird on the ledge. Could we go back for just a second?

reasonably chubby, :-) That is all. :-)

Jon in France said...

I'm delighted that things are looking up in the world of grommets & sprockets and that openings are appearing for all those with proper qualification in sycophancy. Being a one man band I have only myself to look to for baseless praise, but I can be fulsome in this when the situation demands.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Y'know, I'm kind of glad D's company doesn't celebrate Christmas now...

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Always spelled with the i at the end....and a smiley face dot on the top.

Eva Gallant said...

You may consider my voice strong, but yours is just plain brilliant!

Sweet Cheeks said...

I admire you for NOT vomiting during a meeting like that.
;-)

Grant said...

Another promising sign of economic growth is that the local grocery, drug store, and Thai restaurant all closed but the nail and tan salon is still going strong.

Leenie said...

Not only are your post amusing (fawning here, but sincerely) but your blog attracts the best commenters in all bloggesphere. Now I'll just wander over to the elevators and see if the paper has come.

a Broad said...

" reliably blinking when she notices her eyes are getting dry."

This sounds like a job I had a long time ago.
I wonder why it didn't last ... I can blink !!!

Kay Dennison said...

I think that was a definite "Gag me with a spoon" meeting. Been there; done that; glad I'm reired.

mrwriteon said...

Aw -- that's not true, is it? Omigod, I think it is! Scary, wot? But I did wonder how Acme was doing, what with having shares in the company and all.

Gigi said...

I hear tell that one of the Top Dogs over at the Good Ol Boy Network is looking for a Cindi. Hopefully, y'all got the last one.

Gigi said...

Oh! And when is the Chapbook coming out? I'm waiting so very patiently.

Cheeseboy said...

Your posts always make me feel smarter than I really am. (Which is not smart at all)

Kittie Howard said...

I'm laughing so much I'm muted!

Nat said...

So funny....but unfortunately a common corporate fixture. I've had to carry a couple of Cyndi's in my time...

haphazardlife said...

Every office has one. - Jazz

The Retired One said...

Oh Pearl..you NAILED it....our last TWO CEO's a the hospital "laid off" or "let go" of very capable, loyal employees to 'streamline' the budget only to replace them with young bimbos with no experience or usefulness and no one to this day really knows what they do all day...
Another case of MBP (Management by Penis)

Pat Tillett said...

The stories I could tell you about this stuff!
This was a great little peek into the helter skelter topsy turvy up and down crazy world of big bidnis'

Also, this might be the best group of comments I've seen on a single blog post in quite some time (if not ever...)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

From my experience, Cyndi is really quite busy, as she is the person the uber-boss chooses to consult with on many decisions. The result: reversing recommendations and altering projects completed by people who have actual expertise and talent. She is quite an editor and layout artist, for example, if you don't mind grammatical errors and visual confusion. I sound bitter; I guess you touched a nerve! Good thing I'm outta there in a week!