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Saturday, October 2, 2010

In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Book of Coupons

And now, a brief note from our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.

Hi, everyone. Thank you for taking the time to attend this meeting. As you know, we here at Acme Sprockets and Grommets take our meetings very seriously. First there are the meetings where we discover the need for another meeting, the meetings where we discuss the language to be used in the meetings, the meeting itself, of course, and then the follow-up meetings we have insofar as damage control.

We've arrived, as you know, at the end of Q2; and once again we’ve reached the time of year when we contemplate the possibility of a pay increase.

Let us contemplate that together, shall we?

“Raise”: the word looks friendly, doesn’t it? Don’t let it fool you, though. The raise is not your friend! Why be hassled with the possibility of jumping into another tax bracket? Why worry about what to do with that extra cash? And consider this: the phonetic spelling of the word “raise” is “raze”, which, unbeknownst to many, is a word meaning “to tear down”. And isn’t that awful? Why would you want anything to do with a word like that?

I say no, sir. No! Not for my employees!

You people are like family to me.

And that’s why, this year, there will be no so-called “raises”.

The very idea is insulting.

No, sir. This year, I want you to get back to me – take your time! – and let me know: What can the Executive Team here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets give you in lieu of money, vacation time, increased medical or dental insurance, or other purported “benefits”?

Want one of us to change your car’s oil? Need someone to address your holiday cards? Clean your catbox? Visit your mother? What say I drop by your house later and brush your hair? These are the kinds of things we’re willing to do to keep you satisfied, motivated, and, with any luck, quiet, here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets.

Remember: my door is always open, my ear’s always available, and my lawyer’s on retainer.

Best of wishes from Your Pal in the Corner Office,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third


Hilary said...

Too funny.. and not overly far from the truth, I'll bet. ;)

powdergirl said...

Is Acme Sprockets and Grommets a subsidiary of Acme Napkins and Grommets? I'm confused...

Really? He'll come brush your hair? Sounds good!

Georgina Dollface said...

I was thinking, the complimentary cat box cleaning would be good, but then the offer for hair brushing just creeped me out! Awesome post for today's recession weary folks! - G

Bossy Betty said...

I would like a certificate for free french fries as well.

ladyfi said...

Thanks for the laugh. Now, if only they would throw in some free babysitting, cleaning, massage, dog-walking etc. etc.

HulaBuns said...

I would love for someone to address my holiday cards, now that's one I don't think I would pass up. Thanks for the laugh. :)

b said...

I actually know a man that ran a 'sprocket' company! :) Your boss is the classic guy...my son's boss told him he was lucky to have a job. How about add "lucky" buttons to the bosses list?

Very, very funny!!! I can just hear the employees saying "Insult me. I won't mind!"



Symdaddy said...

My God! I think I used to work for that man once!!!

He used to do my laundry!

Gigi said...

Now I'm convinced that you actually work at the Good Old Boy Network as that sounds suspiciously like something we may have heard. What floor are you on? Let's do lunch!

Lynne H. said...

haha.. you must have been at my company meeting last week.. all we got is a "maybe next year".. too funny you sre here...

Ricky Shambles said...

I would've appreciated enrollment in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps giving the whole year long.

Fred Miller said...

They ought to try hot dogs and ice cream. Maybe more tartar sauce in the break room. I recommend they watch "The Simpsons". That Mr. Burns is a genius.

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5thsister said...

Ha! We didn't get our raise this year either. We did receive a book that lists all the businesses where we can receive a corporate discount. Seriously.

Kevin Musgrove said...

12% pay cut, in recognition of the value that we add to the business (I wish I were making that up!) plus the prospect of wholesale job losses once the government spending review is published. Pour l'encourager les autres.

The Jules said...

They threatened to pay me what I was worth once, but I said I'd starve so they relented.

No raises for us over this side of the 'Lantic either, what with the current Global Economic Shafting as I believe it's called.