In keeping with prior personal delusions, including but not limited to karaoke performance, water weight gain, and the strength of my come-hither look, we bring you the prophetic qualities of my iPod.
That’s right, cats and kittens, step right up while my iPod, set to “shuffle” and played during my Friday-morning bus commute reaches behind your collective ears and pulls out the shiny quarter that is your weekend forecast.
Eenie, meanie, jelly beanie! The spirits are about to speak! (Sorry, Bullwinkle.)
Ditch by The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Colleen by The Heavy
Shame and Fortune by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Outta-Space by Billy Preston
I Feel It All by Feist
Setback by The Constellations
Black Coffee in Bed by Squeeze
And as the kids are saying, awww yeah. Should you find yourself in Minneapolis this Saturday I’ll be at Bunker’s for the Brutus, Billy Club, and Black Julius show. I’ll buy you a drink, you’ll buy me one, and we’ll split the cab fare back to my place.
Hey, and while we’re still sober, I might as well warn you that the bathroom door doesn’t always stay closed…
Have I described my place to you?
It’s a small-ish place, 1300 square feet, built at the turn of the century, when men were men, women were women, and judging from the closet space, neither wore clothes.
The bathroom, in particular, is small. Just off the living room and across from the kitchen, the bathroom door opens immediately to the toilet, followed closely by the sink and then the tub.
To illustrate the room’s cozier qualities, it is quite possible that, given a rather elastic spine and some funky desires we won’t go into, you could sit on the toilet and put your head in the sink. Also, should you be on the tall side, I’m willing to bet that you could sit on the toilet and reach the bathtub.
I can think of a couple of instances where this would be advantageous, although none of them bear close inspection.
This is not that kind of blog.
But should you drop by, say, Saturday night following the show at Bunker’s (The Bludgeoning!), should we find ourselves drunk and just this side of disorderly, should you find that you need to use the bathroom, I need to warn you.
Because while the odds are good that you will wake up in the morning with Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) perched comfortably on your face, it’s also a winning bet that Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) will throw a small scare into you whilst you use the facilities.
Dolly Gee: Bathroom Kitteh.
Dolly Gee has claimed the bathroom as her own. She is adept at pushing the door open, preferring to do so while there are people in the kitchen.
I know what you’re thinking. Why not secure the little latch up there? That’s what it’s for, right?
Dolly begs to differ. Mewing piteously until you open the door, Dolly awaits your breaking heart: What are you doing? Can I come in? Aww, lemme in! Lemme in!
Once in, the crisis over, Dolly is all business, straightening the guest towels, casually weighing herself while leaning heavily on the clothes hamper, jumping up and staring into the sink until you turn the water on for her.
Which, as previously described, you can do without leaving your seat.
And there you have it: Dolly thinks the two of you could be much closer than you are now.
And forewarned is forearmed.
Is Donald Trump "Crazy"?
2 hours ago