I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dolly Gee Squeakers Thinks You Should Have that Mole Looked at by a Professional…

In keeping with prior personal delusions, including but not limited to karaoke performance, water weight gain, and the strength of my come-hither look, we bring you the prophetic qualities of my iPod.

That’s right, cats and kittens, step right up while my iPod, set to “shuffle” and played during my Friday-morning bus commute reaches behind your collective ears and pulls out the shiny quarter that is your weekend forecast.

Eenie, meanie, jelly beanie! The spirits are about to speak! (Sorry, Bullwinkle.)

Ditch by The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Colleen by The Heavy
Shame and Fortune by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Outta-Space by Billy Preston
I Feel It All by Feist
Setback by The Constellations
Black Coffee in Bed by Squeeze

And as the kids are saying, awww yeah. Should you find yourself in Minneapolis this Saturday I’ll be at Bunker’s for the Brutus, Billy Club, and Black Julius show. I’ll buy you a drink, you’ll buy me one, and we’ll split the cab fare back to my place.

Hey, and while we’re still sober, I might as well warn you that the bathroom door doesn’t always stay closed…

Have I described my place to you?

It’s a small-ish place, 1300 square feet, built at the turn of the century, when men were men, women were women, and judging from the closet space, neither wore clothes.

The bathroom, in particular, is small. Just off the living room and across from the kitchen, the bathroom door opens immediately to the toilet, followed closely by the sink and then the tub.

To illustrate the room’s cozier qualities, it is quite possible that, given a rather elastic spine and some funky desires we won’t go into, you could sit on the toilet and put your head in the sink. Also, should you be on the tall side, I’m willing to bet that you could sit on the toilet and reach the bathtub.

I can think of a couple of instances where this would be advantageous, although none of them bear close inspection.

This is not that kind of blog.

But should you drop by, say, Saturday night following the show at Bunker’s (The Bludgeoning!), should we find ourselves drunk and just this side of disorderly, should you find that you need to use the bathroom, I need to warn you.

Because while the odds are good that you will wake up in the morning with Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) perched comfortably on your face, it’s also a winning bet that Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) will throw a small scare into you whilst you use the facilities.

Dolly Gee: Bathroom Kitteh.

Dolly Gee has claimed the bathroom as her own. She is adept at pushing the door open, preferring to do so while there are people in the kitchen.

I know what you’re thinking. Why not secure the little latch up there? That’s what it’s for, right?

Dolly begs to differ. Mewing piteously until you open the door, Dolly awaits your breaking heart: What are you doing? Can I come in? Aww, lemme in! Lemme in!

Once in, the crisis over, Dolly is all business, straightening the guest towels, casually weighing herself while leaning heavily on the clothes hamper, jumping up and staring into the sink until you turn the water on for her.

Which, as previously described, you can do without leaving your seat.

And there you have it: Dolly thinks the two of you could be much closer than you are now.

And forewarned is forearmed.

36 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

We had a cat that would only drink from the spigot or a paper cup that was handheld.

Heaven forbid you close a door at our place. the cats raise a stink. Festus dont arrange towels but he will turn the bath trash can over if you dont feed him on command.

Oilfield Trash said...

Coffee in bed. I need an IV of coffee in bed.

powdergirl said...

Just the cat? Any door I close in this house means that every other occupant of the house will come and try the door knob., asking what I'm doing. WTF?
And stepping into the kitchen with intent to cook, means that they'll all come stand in the kitchen, which is tiny.

This abnormal behavior makes me claustrophobic at the best of times, and right bitchy at the worst of times.

I wish it was only the cat.

Sarah said...

I have a teensy-tiny bathroom too. It's our only bathroom, and of course, both my husband & I have to get ready in it at the same time in the morning.

Further compounding the problem, both of our loving cats think it's a good idea to be in the bathroom at the same time as both of us.

And neither of them are well-behaved enough to do anything remotely like straightening the towels. They prefer to lay out on the little open floor space that's left and then give us dirty looks if we step on them.

Georgina Dollface said...

Oh this totally cracked me up! My cat wails outside the door if you are in the loo and she can't get in. Then the claw starts to slide under the door. And then you hear something breaking in the living room and you realize that you are just going to have to let her in so she can sit in front of you and watch.

And the line about the closet space in your house? OMG! LOL! You could have stopped the post right there and I still would have been laughing my ass off for the rest of the day! - G

Symdaddy said...

Oh I just love it when she talks dirty!

My pussy used to squat over the toilet bowl to take a leek. He was about 7 years old when he give up this little habit.

When he was annoyed with you ... for what ever reason ... he'd take a run and jump, aiming at your head, and casually try and take your eyes out. Such a cutie!

That was my boy Gizzy.

Kittie Howard said...

Chester, our beloved Siamese, insisted upon telling hub the morning news while he shaved. Wasn't much room for our news anchor, so hub had to squinch against the sink...all in the name of free speech, of course!

Thanks for some warm smiles and happy memories. Meow! Meow! (Happy Thanksgiving!)

dirt clustit said...

1356

Eva Gallant said...

We had a cat that would knock on our bedroom window at night to be let in.

I love the description of your apartent...I once lived in a place like that and will return to one soon....a place called senior housing!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Okay, for all of these reasons, the drinks, the wee bathroom, the cat, I want to take a road trip.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I love the furry paw that extend under the door and flail about looking for feet they couldn't possibly reach!

My bathroom is set up so the sink is by the door and the toilet is between it and the tub...which is convenient if you have a bad case of the stomach flu and are evacuating from both ends.
=]

lisleman said...

So Dolly is like Mr. Jinks the cat in "Meet the Parents". She would probably like that part of the movie.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Do I have to tip the kitty?

Ron said...

Hi Pearl!

Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for dropping by my blog earlier today. So great to meet you!

FAB post!

"you could sit on the toilet and put your head in the sink. "

OMG, my bathroom is the exact same way! In fact, whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to go wee-wee, I will sit down and then lay my head on th edge of the sink, so my sleep in not interrupted - HA!

I had cat who loved sleeping inside the bathroom sink!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

This might be my favourite line anywhere this week: Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) will throw a small scare into you whilst you use the facilities.

I can't even tell you why it brought me so much joy, it just DID! :)

Lo said...

Pearl.......you sometimes outdo even yourself!

The closet.......GREAT line.

a Broad said...

My daughters cat sleeps in the sink while she is at work.
One day she forgot and left something soaking ... she came home to a cat that was soaking. happy, but very wet. did I mention he is a Persian and has more hair than a dog? yeah. wet.

Pat Tillett said...

Lots of good stuff in here, but i have to concentrate on the cats...

We have 3 of them. If any door in the house is closed they want in. When we wake up in the morning most of the cabinet doors are open. i don't get it, they know what's in there, because they open them EVERY NIGHT! The second you close the bathroom door there is at least one cat trying to get in. I don't think I can do my business without a cat in the room....

great and funny post!

Cloudia said...

you make my brain smile!




Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>


<°)}}><

Blicky Kitty said...

Bwaahhh haaa haaa and *woot* I loves the Yeah Yeah Yeahs!

vanilla said...

The closet and the unclad people-- !

Tom G. said...

Love the closet line. I have often wondered why the closets in our 19th century home were so small, and in one bedroom, non-existant. Mom & Dad had to keep their clothes in the hall closet. Maybe people just wore the same clothes everyday but Sunday, so it wasn't an issue.

Anyway, just followed you home from my blog and thought I'd say "Hey". So "hey". Nice little blog you got here. Could use some more closet space though.

Gigi said...

I'm with Green Girl - definitely sounds like a road trip! So.....who can I expect to swing through the Carolina's to pick me up?

WrathofDawn said...

No matter which side of a door Riley the WonderCat is on, it's the wrong side. If you're inside the room and he's out, he'll scratch at the door and howl to get in. Let him in... he hangs out for about 15 seconds and then on comes the cat siren again. Meow-ow-ow-ow!

That cat purely hates a closed door.

injaynesworld said...

I'm used to doing my business with four little eyes on me. My door doesn't shut all the way either and Dixie, the princess Chihuahua and her pet kitty, Mason have decided that my bathroom activities are the stuff of great fascination. So I'd be right at home at your place.

lunamother said...

Great story- as always, Pearl.

Our house was built in 1890 and our bathroom is also very tiny- like one commenter I also rest my head on the sink while midnight-peeing.

and the closets? people either used just dressers or stand-alone wardrobes and/or they purposely left 'em out- at one time houses were taxed according to the number of bedrooms and the definition of a bedroom was a room with a closet.

ok. that's yer useless trivia for the day LOL
have a great weekend!

Dawn said...

I once had a bathroom in which it was quite possible to pee, brush your teeth and soak your feet all at the same time. Not that I would do that...because I can't multi-task while the dog is staring at me.

Anonymous said...

Pearl, you are just the best. Please don't ever stop writing this blog. Louie, the cat, seconds that.
Sarah in Singapore

HermanTurnip said...

Geez! Your place sounds like my dorm room during my stint in the Air Force. Of course you don't have dozens of fellow drunken Airmen stopping by your place for a bottle of Boone's Farm before hitting up the NCO club.

Ahhh...good times...

Oh, and as for music, we should talk...

Roses said...

What is it with cats and closed doors?

Since we got the Cat 12 years ago, there has been no such thing as a closed internal door. She has to be able to walk through every room unhindered, otherwise all Hell breaks loose.

If I have a housefull of teenagers and want to take a comfort break, she doesn't care about my modesty or their embarrasment, she just pushes her way in.

No such thing as solitary time in this household.

Roses said...

PS. She's rubbish at closing doors.

Jenn Jilks said...

You have a way with words. Like Cloudia, you made me smile!

Joanie M said...

My cat, Mason insists on joining me nearly every time I use the powder room just off my kitchen. Even with my kids grown and gone, I still can't pee in peace.

pattypunker said...

eenie meanie belly jeanie! that's awesome. don't ya just love when you get a good shuffle mix on your ipod!

thanks for stopping by my blog,sugarpie.

Flea said...

Fortunately for two of my children, they can also lean their head into the tub from the toilet. It's not been a pleasant week. But it's over now. We shall not speak of it again.

R. Jacob said...

Very funny pearl!
I have been there. Might be there again sometime.