I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Dolly Rifles Through the Want Ads

I woke up early Tuesday morning only to find Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) already up and sitting at the little breakfast table, a cup of coffee in front of her, a lit cigarette’s smoke being coaxed out a window, Patsy Cline playing softly in the background.

That cat knows how I feel about her smoking in the house.

Dolly and I have an odd relationship: I feed her small, flavored treats so that I can laugh while she stands on her back legs and she, in return, hoicks hairballs into my boots.

I’m not sure it’s an evenly sided relationship, but so few are these days.

Have you met Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers)? Dolly is a rather stunning long-haired Siamese mixture, a sparsely-toothed puddy tat with a penchant for lying flat on her back, limbs akimbo, looking, for all the world, like a warm and suspiciously unseaworthy canoe.

It’s a strange moment, catching your cat unawares. One delicate claw stirring the heavily creamed coffee, her brilliantly blue (and sometimes crossed) eyes staring off in the distance, I walked in as she was singing.

“I go out walking, after midnight…”

Well, except she wasn’t so much singing along as she was meow-meowing along. “Meow-meow mi-meow meow, meow-meow meow meow…” You’d probably have to be there, but really it’s quite disconcerting, catching a cat singing.

She stopped as I entered the kitchen, shifted the gaze that had been out the window to concentrate on the want ad section of the newspaper spread out before her.

“Mornin’,” I said.

Dolly raised her cup and nodded. She knows how I feel about early morning chatter, not to mention the fact that her lisp makes her self-conscious.

“Looking for a job?” I asked.

“Mmmmm,” she said.

“I’ll catch you later then,” I said. I was all the way to the front door before I heard what could only be a cat clearing her throat. At the bottom of the steps, I turned around and looked up.

Dolly was holding my lunch. “Meow meow meow,” she said, which I can only interpret at “You forgot your lunch”.

She tossed it down to me.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Don’t menthun it,” she said.

31 comments:

Everyday Goddess said...

Delightful story! You amaze me.

Fred Miller said...

I wonder whether smoking cigarettes drives fleas away. I'm thinking of trying that on our dogs. Frontline is not working, and I want my money back. Marlboros are cheaper.

Pearl said...

Everyday Goddess, thank you! :-)

Fred, if not that, perhaps the patch?

Vintage Christine said...

BooCat lies the same way occasionally and it cracks me up that you describe the position like you did. So true! BooCat also wants to remind Ms. Dolly that a ciggie smoking cat is just NOT attractive nor cool. Of course he's all snooty because he only smokes a pipe . . .

Pearl said...

Vintage, Well, she tries to cut down, but so many of her friends smoke. They pop out for a beverage or two and the next thing you know they're dancing on tables, sneaking out the back door for a quick smoke...

Camille said...

Mornin'Pearl. Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of HSS Squeakers)and I seem to be on the same page regarding early mornings and pointless chatter, the need for strong coffee and staring vacantly out the window. I was about to suggest nicotine gum but then realized it would stick to her bridge work. Some things we must endure in the name of family harmony.

Symdaddy said...

You're lucky that your moggie's only smoke and drink coffee.

Our's have been jacking cars and selling weed for months. The FEDS (Federation of local brewers) want them for peeing in their beer too!

MJenks said...

Oh, I've met Dolly Gee Squeakers. Famous girl. Famous! Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

Say, it she a goer? Does she go? You know, go? Wink's as good as a nudge to a blind bat.

Pearl said...

Camille, I must admit that I share these traits as well! And poor Dolly has so few teeth to begin with, so the gum would just be cruel...

Sym, moggies? :-) I've only recently come across that word and I love it!

MJenks, ahhh. A man after my own heart.
Wait. That IS what you're after, isn't it? Nudge nudge say no more?!

Wine and Words said...

I love this image I have in my mind of Dolly. Not a real fan of cats, but gotta like this smoking, coffee drinking feline :) Very enjoyable write!

Jeanie said...

After a $400 "check-up" visit to the vet this morning I am going to suggest to our dog, Dodger, that he have a look at the want ads.
The vet was less concerned about his smoking habit than he was about his peanut butter habit. Is there a patch for that?

Kittie Howard said...

OMG, Pearl, but you made my day! Our beloved Chester was a Siamese, a talking dude who could converse on anything. Chester never caught a bird because he couldn't help telling the world he was chasing a bird, LOL, what a hoot he was.

Thank you, thank you for a fun-tastic post. You're great!

Jhon Baker said...

I truly love your cats names and can only deduce that their personalities are as interesting.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Dolly would probably love working in a toy store...or maybe a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. She can sling mashed potatoes - right?
=]

Stacy Q said...

Your stories of Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) totally crack me up.
I can't even come up with a remotely interesting name for our dog.

WrathofDawn said...

SAY NO MORE!!!

Cat's got good taste in music, I'll say that for her.

Riley the Wonder Cat does the canoe as well. Gave up the smokes though. Vet's orders.

Buzzkill vet.

a Broad said...

It is so great to hear that Dolly has 1- good taste (excellent taste) in music and 2- and that she is so .... nice.
My grandmother bred Siamese. The last one was the oldest living Siamese in history ( I am sure of it) and her name was Suzie ( something about Wong etc) and Suzie hate my little girl guts.
If I walked into the room and my grandmother showed any affection for me, I was doomed to be scratched when I walked past Suzie, hissed at if I came near her.. and worse, she would wait until I slept if I was staying at my grandmothers, then she would sleep on my pillow and make sure I had an asthma attack.
So Dolly sounds like a dream Siamese.. with good manners..even if she has a bad habit or two.

The Jules said...

A lot of cats have lisps, which is fine and in no way makes them any less able to communicate.

Although I do hate it when they get mad and hith at you.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Much love for Dolly the fine feline!

Gigi said...

At first I thought - good for Dolly! Looking for a job - hoping to pull her own weight. Then I got to wondering - what is her ulterior motive?

Luna said...

Hey, your blog is funny. I'll be back....

Vic said...

My mind is all hung up on long cat arms extending from the sleeves of a terry cloth robe. I think Dolly Gee might drink Sanka. It's so homey.

Our dog wears underwear out of the dirty clothes hamper, but it's not the same at all.

Cloudia said...

fun to be you :)



Aloha from Hawaii

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>

EcoGrrl said...

props to you on my blog today chica...

lunamother said...

You know I wait to read your blog till I've got my bedtime cocoa in front of me- it rounds out a little "treat to me bedtime routine".
Thanks, Pearl :)

Jon in France said...

Good to see other people's "companion animals" have bad habits too. Bonnie's maorning martini is getting ever earlier I notice.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl. I've never trusted cats; I always felt they were up to something, and that it wouldn't be to my advantage. Thank you for confirming this theory. Indigo

When Pigs Fly said...

Very funny. I got a new puppy and the way he looks at me sometimes I swear he's ready to start speaking.

Marla said...

Yeah, those secret lives of cats aren't so secret once they make themselves at home.

bettyl said...

Doesn't it make you wonder what they do after we go to sleep?!!! Great story!

Eva Gallant said...

That was adorable!