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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Turn It Up! or Your Taste in Music is So Awesome EVERYONE Should Hear it!

With all respect due to the owners of the cars that I can hear coming from a number of blocks away – assuming, of course, that they’re due any respect – can we just get it on the record right now that:

  • Yes, you are very cool;
  • Yes, we admire you;
  • Yes, we approve of your taste in music; and
  • Yes, we wish that we, like you, had it “going on”, “together” or whatever we’re saying these days.

Do I sound crabby?

I do?

Hmmm. I should work on that.

Well, I don’t mean to sound crabby, but sometimes, when a low, seismic shaking has seized the house, when the windows rattle and I am compelled to run outside to see the armored tanks that I assume must rumbling down my street only to discover that it’s actually a car with a stereo system designed for something more in keeping with the vibrations required to reduce buildings to rubble, I get tired.

Oh, so tired.

It’s not the music itself. It’s not even, per se, the decibel level of the music.

It’s the implied assumption that we all want to hear what you’ve been listening to because, gosh darn it, we see you as a trendsetter and an example to be followed.

Or perhaps you’re completely unaware that there are others in the neighborhood who may not be interested in what you’re listening to? That’s what gets my goat. And yes, I’ve been known to try to hide my goat by repeating “Live and let live, live and let live” until the urge to throttle goes away; but when it’s in the middle of the night, I sometimes forget my commitment to the humanities and think soothing and vengeful thoughts of retribution.

Yesssssss.

I picture myself dressed in black, ninja-like, rappelling down the side of my house somewhere around 3:00 a.m., slipping, cat-paw-silent, amongst the alleys to Mr. Bass Speakers’ house, surreptitiously letting the air out of his tires, sprinkling a little Buck Scent into the seams around his hood, leaving a cryptic and slightly sarcastic note about his taste in music and how much the neighborhood enjoys knowing that he’s six blocks from the house, five blocks away the house, four blocks away…

It’s these little fantasies that keep me smiling.

Childish?

Perhaps.

Satisfying?

Yes.

Next?

My plans to track down and tattoo the words “I Know How To Write My Name” on the foreheads of the person and/or persons who believe that the side of the garage is for just such a statement.

Stay tuned, kids!

22 comments:

Secretia said...

I hate the loud disturbances in the middle of the night.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

It is my contention that there is going to be a whole generation of kids who will be deaf by age 35 and ASL will have to be taught in all schools to compensate. But I have to admit I like to blast my stereo at home. I like to annoy the neighbor with the barking dog with Marilyn Manson full blast. "This is the New Shit" is particularly effective. I like your plans for retribution though, just make sure you use indelible ink when you write on their foreheads.

Charlotte Ann said...

I've studied this, yes I have. My conclusion is "it's not the music they are flaunting but the speaker system that are big enough to blast auditorium. A least that's what they brag about when you stand close enough to them to overhear their conversations with their peers that they are trying to compete, speaker to speaker system.
If they go deaf, does that mean their speech will cease also? I'm thinkin here............ug, I guess that would be unkindly thoughts so..well..
I'm done.

sage said...

sadly, as they go deaf, the noise only increases... a vicious cycle

Moannie said...

Ah Pearl. I hereby appoint you guardian of my neighbourhood. Other people's noise! AGGGGRRRgr! Late night drunks singing, convinced they are Pavarotti...stupid girls screaming 'Waaaaaayne! Stopittttt!'Idiots with their cell phones permanantly glued to their ears and shouting 'And he said...so I said...innit?'

Lord I'm getting old.

Simply Suthern said...

Wow, moved on from potty guardian to street avenger pretty quickly.
I was in a parking deck at the local college when Mr. Bass came thumping in. The police officer at the gate said it was going to sad the day he hollers for the dude to drop it and has to shoot him because he's too deaf to hear.

CatLadyLarew said...

I wish I had magic powers so I could do all the things you want to do! (She writes as house shakes from passing car with bass pounding.)

Greenfingers said...

I'm so with you on this one Pearl!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'll help you with your revenge against these peace rebels. However, I must admit that sometimes I am guilty of the same behaviour. But my music is good. Obviously.

injaynesworld said...

Big speakers -- yet another compensation for a small penis.

Pity them, Pearl...

CAT said...

Ah yes, nothing says "Spring has sprung" like being stopped at a red light and having your entire body shaken from the floor boards up by the stereo in the car next to you. I suppose it would be imprudent to hop out and let the air out of their tires right there??????

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I feel safer just knowing you're out there...plotting away....

Pearl said...

Must be bonus points in their system if their stereo and/or lack of muffler sets off the car alarms of parked vehicles they go past!

My sympathy for the cliché wooohooo yelled at top volume when the bars let out each 2 a.m. is on the wane too.

That's acceptable but sedative blow darts are frowned on. I don't get it. Nope, I just don't get it.

Golden To Silver Val said...

This is one of my pet peeves. It helps if you close your eyes and imagine taking a shotgun, racking it and aiming it at the area in which the huge speakers are housed on said vehicles and picture destroying them. Just the sound of a timid squeak from a gigantic bass speaker before it dies would be pure joy for me. Surely the drivers or passengers could never hear an approaching emergency vehicle with all that noise going on!!!! And furthermore, I'm tired of my picture frames vibrating askew and my knickknacks shaking themselves off the shelves from the tremors that can be felt from nearly a mile away. I especially love the person who passes by my house at 3 a.m. every morning. Sigh...someday it will be illegal. All its gonna take is for someone important to lose someone they love due to no one hearing an emergency vehicle and it results in a crash. In the meantime....unfortunately, we wait. Shame.

Tgoette said...

Amen sister! I get sooo tired of having to listen to these obnoxious losers that equate booming car speakers with some mythical elevated status of coolness. So lame! High decibel speakers just make you an inconsiderate jerk. Period. I like your ninja idea and have my own fantasy about following the offending car to their home and sitting in front of it blasting my own music. I'm thinking bagpipes.

Laoch of Chicago said...

I had a depressed neighbor last year who used to play the same horrifying Barry Manilow album over and over again. I felt like I had been dead forever.

Mildred Ratched said...

I always wanted to insert a small but very powerful speaker up the rectum of said offenders and turn the bass and volume up full throttle. With my luck the people would like it and multiply in number.

Terresa said...

My girl friend has neighbors who play music so loudly, it shakes her house across the street.

And I thought my neighbors were bad...

Tempo said...

The urge to throttle goes away? Gee, I must try that...
Here in Oz we have a new set of laws called 'Hoon Laws' (I kid you not) that cover loud music, screeching of tyres, burn outs and racing. The fines are huge and best (or worst, depending on your point of view) seisure of your car for a week or two or clamping it in your driveway. (even mum and dads car if it's what you were driving)

They havnt caught me...yet!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh boy, that drives me crazy too! But I cling to the hope they they too, will one day be old and complain about the noise young people make-- Paybacks are a.. well you know.

Have a great weekend.
jj

Megan said...

Cal sent me. I will be back. Quietly, on tiptoe feet...

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Damn MEgan - everyone is discovering my refuges where I am the funniest around...good luck with you bing here now.