I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

You Didn’t Ask for Any Advice, But…

I’ve got an uncle who warns me to never fall asleep on the concrete in the cold.

“The sidewalk’s a killer,” he warns. “Did you know that bums die every year just by falling asleep? The ground never warms up in the winter, and that concrete will leach the heat right out of you. Take my word for it: never fall asleep on the concrete.”

I am torn between being thankful for this information and concern that he thinks it may come to pass that I will find myself using a sidewalk as a bed.

But perhaps he’s on to something. Perhaps we should be handed a laminated sheet of truisms upon, say, high school graduation, something you could frame, something you could refer to often.

Never fall asleep on the concrete would be on there.

What else would be listed?

  • Never squeeze lemons with a hand full of papercuts.
  • You’re going to want change to a lighter weight of motor oil in the winter.
  • Unless she’s requested it, buy a woman an appliance for Christmas at your own peril.
  • Don’t tattoo your neck.
  • Never trust a man named “Shifty”.
  • The guy on the street who begs for “just another dollar so I can get home, man” is not really going to go home after you give it to him.
  • Discounted sushi is not a bargain.

This is just off the top of my head, but it’s a start. Words to live by, people. Go forth and change your oil.

And no more sleeping on the sidewalks.


Douglas said...

I am proud to say that I have never slept on a sidewalk. On top of the big dryers in a laundromat, yes, but no sidewalks.

Kavi said...

Sleeping on the sidewalk...is is a way of life for many here !

Hmm !

Jennifer said...

I had a moment...YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS ago I had the need to briefly lie down on the sidewalk. I am proud to say, I did not fall asleep and have the heat sucked out of my body.

I feel much better today that I like protesting, do yoga and eat gallons of salsa...THANK YOU (head tilted and sweetly said).

Stephanie said...

This one from my Italian, 95 yr old father:
"Never get in a lying down position with a boy."
When my sister got pregnant at 20 yrs old-we told my Dad she was standing up the whole time!

My name is Andy. said...

Our family follows these ones:

Never fry bacon in the nude.

Don't eat anything bigger then your head.

Never drive faster then the car in front of you.

Don't eat yellow snow.

Knucklehead said...

You should go into the fortune cookie business. "Advice cookies" or something.

Anonymous said...

Don't sleep in the subway, Darling, it gets cold in there too.

The Retired One said...

His advice is a LOT better than my mom's which is "don't sit on cold concrete or you will get piles".
Lord. Piles. What the heck is THAT? Diarrhea???
I don't know.
I was too scared to sit on the cold concrete to find out!

Suzanne said...

Do you do stand up? How do you make me laugh like this? OHMYGOD!

Madame DeFarge said...

Never give a sucker an even break. Give them an odd one. It'll really unnerve them.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I saw homeless people sleeping on concrete in San Francisco when I worked there. The trick is to line it with cardboard and newspaper first, then you'll stay nice and toasty warm. LOL!!

I'm going to warn my girls before they start dating to never do something for a boy that he's not willing to reciprocate. That's advice someone should have told me when I was dating! :)


Kevin Musgrove said...

The only times in my life I've ever slept on concrete all involved airports in the States.

* If you can poke it with a stick it probably isn't a leopard

Aria said...

Add: In a hotel/motel never sleep on the side of the bed with the phone.

and never try to kill a mouse in your house with a butcher's knife.

You're welcome. ;-)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I should probably clarify, I'm not letting them date until they're 20 or maybe 25. :)


SweetPeaSurry said...

I've never slept on the concrete, although not for lack of trying. My friend and I tried the runaway, switcharoo-sleepover ploy once, and ended up huddled on the concrete in front of a house for sale near our homes.

Needless to say we were caught, punished ... and decided side-walk sleeping wasn't our deal!

Anonymous said...

When out in the forest don't tease a bear cub with a stick.

Jayne Martin said...

What a fun blog. Glad I stumbled across you. I always say, "Hindsight is the booby prize."

You're a funny gal. I'll be back often. - Jayne

CatLadyLarew said...

Guess I'm going to have to rethink where I'm going to sleep tonight.

Harlem's A Hatin said...

Don't tattoo your neck should be a common sense one, but I've seen it!


Otin said...

I live by, "Never masturbate when you have poison ivy on your hand"!


Warty Mammal said...

These are truly adages to live by. All I can contribute are a couple from my father, which you probably already know:

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Life is a s*** sandwich. Sometimes you have to take a big bite.

recipes for the life said...

Wow thats a lot of comments. I dont know if you'll notice me, but let me introduce myself anyway:) I am a newest follower of your blog and am I glad or what. Your posts are really filled with just the right amount of humor. Am looking forward for your posts eagerly. Do visit me when you have some spare time here;

darsden said...

so feel number one and you too huh LOL

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi! "Discounted sushi is not a bargain."

My grandfather used to say, "Eat dessert first in case the house burns down."

Hope your weekend is good.


Christine Gram said...

Blacktop on the other hand is a dream in the winter. When we were forced outside during recess every day in the middle of Chicago winters, I'd seek out a sunny patch of blacktop near the building and lie down on my own personal sunbed.

Weird minds have simple escapes...

the fly in the web said...

I should check out all my old school cohort to see how many have piles as a result of sitting on the cast iron radiators in winter despite the dire warnings of all our mothers.
But, more interestingly to me, why did all our mothers so warn us? Folk myth, or did every parent have piles?

SUEB0B said...

"Don’t tattoo your neck."

I try to tell kids this all the time, but do they listen?

Berowne said...

It was a great philosopher -- whose name escapes me at the moment -- who said: "Things that are free cost the most."

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Always bring emergency money on a date. You never know if you might get stranded. Always wear clean underwear, you might be in an accident. If you don't want to go out with a boy, tell him you're grounded - your Mom will back you up on that one. If you're drunk, call us for a safe ride home. We'll wait until morning to chew you out. Words to live by.