I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Blurry in the Middle and Wiggly at Both Ends

The windshield wipers no longer lie flat, apparently. I discovered it, as one would, during a recent rainstorm.

In the same way that whatever you’re looking for is always described as being in the last place you looked for it – because once you’ve found it, of course, why would you continue to look? – you’re not going to notice the windshield wipers don’t work properly until you try to use them in the rain.

The smear of rain/tree sap on the windshield, naturally, was where it does the most damage – directly in my line of sight – with an odd collection of leaf bits and bug parts on the outside edges, which added a lovely framing aspect.

The world was blurry in the middle and wiggly at both ends.

“Blurry in the middle and wiggly at both ends” also periodically describes my television picture since the HDTV revolution. Because of this, I suspect there are things going on to the far left and far right of the TV screen, but I’ve no way of knowing what. Luckily, given both the shows available and the shows I’ve caught myself watching (I can only assume a chip has been placed under my skin by aliens and is influencing my taste in entertainment – could I possibly be as tacky as some of the shows I watch?) I doubt it affects the storyline much.

“Blurry in the middle and wiggly on the ends” can now also, unfortunately, be used to describe my eyesight. Always astigmated, newly introduced to the world of “floaters”, I am now one of the people examining things closely by peering over her glasses.

Have you tried bifocals – excuse me – “graduated lenses”? The bottom of the lens is for close work, the top for far away.

I’ve always wondered about that, why people look over their glasses rather than through them. “What an unattractive look”, I used to think.

“That person has her reasons,” I now think.

It’s the story of my life, this variable blurriness followed by clarity.

Seems the lack of focus is only noticeable once you realize it could be better.


CSY said...

Lack of focus...story of my life

Sweet Cheeks said...

My life is blurry in the middle and wiggly at both ends because I insist on view my life through rose colored glassses.....otherwise I'd go crazy! LOL!


ellen abbott said...

You know, it's true. windshield wipers always go bad in your line of sight. What's up with that?

And HDTV...don't get me started. I hate HDTV. when the signal fades it gets all pixelated and you lose the sound. At least with regular TV, it may have been fuzzy but you could still figure out what was going on and you didn't lose the sound. At least you got the dialog!

powdergirl said...

Ah, the eyesight. There's a bonus though, the worse my eyes get the better I look in the mirror. I'm good widdat.

And yeah, windshield wipers are diabolical and cruel. I think they're made in Russia.

mapstew said...

'Varifocals' are the thing my optician wants to sell me! Not graduated lenses, one adjusts focus as you would normally while adjusting from near to far and so.

I dunno!


CatLadyLarew said...

I bet you really have a good time driving... in the rain... in the dark... with all those headlights coming at you! (But, then again, the headlights do make such pretty star shaped patterns as the cars come toward you.)

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

what a great homology!! LovelY!

Gigi said...

Pearl - you are a genius. I have an award for you.

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

Blurry in the middle and wiggly at both ends also describes several of my relationships.

I don't even know what that means.

Gaston Studio said...

Great analogies.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think we might be related.


Not The Rockefellers said...

Blurry in the middle
Wiggly at both ends
I can't seem to find
right angles
through my bi-focal lens
things just aren't as sharp
as they were
last "way back when"
so if I shake your elbow
please excuse me my friend...

there's the start of your blues riff Pearl...take it away...

Peace - Rene

Douglas said...

I have been wearing bi-focals since about age 43 when my arms seemingly shrunk overnight. I chose them only because those half lens thingies (aka "reading glasses") were clumsy to me. I only need glasses to read things and I like to read.

prashant said...

it may have been fuzzy but you could still figure out what was going on and you didn't lose the sound. At least you got the dialog!
Make website india