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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Untapped Potential of Dog Poop

I sat on the porch last Saturday and watched as a man with a dog on a leash stood casually by as his animal relieved himself in the park.

Yes. It’s a pathetic way to spend one’s time.

It’s a law in Minneapolis that you have to clean up after your dog in a park, but I’m sure it will come as no surprise to anyone when I tell you that there are plenty of people who don’t bother.

Have you seen what a Rottweiler leaves behind? Incredible.

I hate it when they don’t pick up their dog’s “droppings”. I live directly across the street from the park; and if I’ve witnessed it, I feel obliged to lean out of the second floor porch window (where I’ll be perched until Spring is over and Summer kicks me into the backyard) and yell, “Excuse me! You’re supposed to pick up after your dog!”

You can imagine the look I get when I point this out.

Well, I either get the “the Look” or, in the words of one miscreant, something along the lines of “Make me”.

His dog poop? Not his problem. He’s just going to leave it there, because, you know, it’s biodegradable.

Of course, even if the dog walker were to stop and say, “Wow! You’re right! So sorry!” they most likely don’t have a plastic bag with them.

Hmmm. Food for thought. Poop Bag Stand in the park.

Times is tough, people. We need to think about the smaller, untapped markets, preferably markets without overhead or regulation.

I’m thinking of looking into picking up dog poop in people’s backyards. Do I have to mention that that would be for money? People do that, you know. I could advertise in The Northeaster in the “For Hire” section.

I’m gonna need a title. You know – for the business cards.

What do you think of Professional Feces Remover?

Or does that sound like I'm restricted to removing only professional feces? Because I don’t want to discriminate myself out of a couple bucks – professional feces, amateur feces, they all pick up the same.

How about “Backyard De-Pooping”? Huh? Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Pearl, Backyard De-Pooper
Taking Your Shit For A Fixed Price

I wonder what a good backyard de-pooping goes for these days?



IB said...

I have 3 dogs. The service we use comes by once a week and it costs $65 a visit.

It is worth every penny.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I got a lot of shit in my life I wish you would take--but it's not from my dog, unfortunately.

BTW, I left something for you on my blog today.

Diane said...

I don't want to burst your bubble, but our parks department supplies every park in town with FREE poop bags (the park I go to has 5 dispensers - one at every entrance and 2 more at various points along the walking path) and people STILL don't pick up! GRRRRRRR. I step in poop at least once a week and, quite frankly, it pisses me off. I actually chase after the 'ignorers' (THEY may not be able to see their dog taking a dump, but I can!) waving a bag, yelling, "Here, you can have one of my bags to pick up the poop!" and I stand there until they've done it. They hate me.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearl's Professional Procurement Service

"We Purge Poo...So You Don't Have To"

Charge $40. IB will hire you on the spot.


DevilsHeaven said...

Yeah, I was shocked when we got a flyer for this last spring tucked in our screen door handle. And Here I thought that was a chore assigned to the kids who got an allowance for doing it. It seems like all things that used to be chores are now a business. Amazing.

De Campo said...

Dog owners are pretty well conditioned to pick up after their pets here in Colorado. HOWEVER, we have a problem with “hippies” pooping every where in state parks and not picking it up. Seriously, the parks department cited this as THE reason for not allowing a free love festival in the park.

It would suck to be a member of an organization that’s known for public defecation.

Frank said...

You should call it, Shit Pickers – By Pearl. (I’d hire you.)

Solution: Go to your local thrift store or radio station and get a broken microphone. Then when you see a poop offender, walk straight up to them and shove the microphone in their face and tell them you are Pearl Quinones from ABC, (Always Been Crapkickin) and you want to know why they didn’t pick up their shit. Did it start when they were young? Did they refuse to refuse to pick up their room? Do they leave shit at home? America wants to know!!! (They will pick it up, or change parks. Win, win!)

Jodie Kash said...

The hip Denver weekly used to run this ad. Loves it to this day -

Poop Van Scoop, we pick up where your dog left off!

No. 1 in the number-two business!

Eliminate gross encounters of the turd kind!

Cat said...

I've seen poop bags in parks before - little dispensers on a pole attached to the garbage bin. It's a great idea.

I think that's a killer business model, by the way. You'd do booming business in the spring when the snow melts.

darsden said...

Only you could make poop so funny. Pearl, I pick up Rudey dogs poop in my own yard! So, I feel ya!

Special invitation today Pearl and for tomorrow as well. When you have the time between scoops ;-)

ICKY said...

I wouldn't if I were you....its a shit job.

There are doggy bag stands in some of the larger parks in the metro.

I like to see the people walking there dog carrying a bottom heavy bag and say, "Hey lady ! Whatcha got in the bag?"
"You gonna finish that?"

mbuna53 said...

I have seen poop bags dispensers on some of the trails around "the cities"

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Very creative... but I see from the very first post that yer job has been taken!
You could make it generic and say that you're willing to clear up the 'shit' from people's lives... that might have many takers!!

Pearl said...

IB, I believe it. I’ve got friends with dogs and that backyard is a landmine without constant upkeep…

Prefers Her Fantasy Life, thank you! I’ll stop by! And I hear you – wonder if I could get someone to pack up and unload some things for me…

Diane, I didn’t hear that. :-) And I love the fact that you care about your park! I actually wander about in the spring and summer, picking up fast food and other garbage, too.

Sweet Cheeks, I like how you think!

DevilsHeaven, if there are children, I agree that it’s part of owning a dog. If there are no children and the adults are working, I’d be happy to stop by and pick up their yard for a fee!

De Campo, for cryin’ out loud I hadn’t even considered that. Can you imagine getting ticketed for that?!

Frank, that’s an excellent idea. Honestly. And I get tired of yelling out my porch windows…

Jodie, that’s excellent! Gross encounters of the turd kind. Brilliant.

Cat, the more I think about it, the more I like it. Serious!

Darsden, I’ll pop by. Make sure there’s beer in the fridge (should I bring my own pimp glass?!)

Icky, there are leftovers and there are LEFTOVERS!

Mbuna, I have to admit I have, too, but not in my park. Hey – why don’t you get a dog and then pay me to come over and clean your yard? What do you say?

Pearl said...

Roshni, I could always offer to sit with people and listen to their problems.
Oh, wait! Actually, I think I already do that!

The Retired One said...

I know. I hate when others let their dogs go in our yard and think absolutely nothing of it. I think I will leave it on their front porches and see if they "rethink"it? I doubt it. I like the microphone idea and the interview. Maybe humiliation would work.

Venom said...

Pooper Scooper Trooper - charge by the size of the yard & # of dogs to pick up after. Bring vomit bag for yourself.

Kavi said...

the comments here seem insightful ! There seem to be many who are working on your idea already !

But i quite like the names that you have thought of.

But to make Poop, Pop in your blog post, well, only you could do it !


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

What about "decoprolizer"?

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Pearl,

I kinda like, "Taking Your Shit For A Fixed Price"; apply it to any business relationship.

I've actually see people walk up and stop in from of my house as their dog relieved itself. Now I get that, "A dog's gotta do, what dogs do do". It's the dog lover I got issues with. I guess they get the message when the see the expression on my face that indicates, "I ain't down with that shit in my yard".

It's safe to say, "It doesn't happen anymore in my yard", my neighbors know they better come correct, The U ain't feeling Kibbles and Bits.


Reeky said...

@IB... wow $65 a week?

In this economy, I keep wondering what people will cut back on to make ends meet. You are now my poster child for frivilous spending.

My 9 year old takes care of business free of charge. Well, we do give him food and shelter so I guess he is compansated.

WOW $65 a week? Holy CRAP.

Pearl, after you start your business and things take off, please contact me and I'll buy a franchise. Poop = $$$$, apparently

Michelle said...

Professional Feces Remover?

I do not know why Pearly-Q but when i think of that, I think of getting a colonic! You know, where they stick a tube up your butt and suck out the poop, then you feel all clean inside!?? Thats a professional feces remover!!!

Other than that, I don't give a shit!!!


Steve said...

You're better than a shit shoveller believe me. Instead you should become a poop scoop enforcement officer and make lazy dog owners pick up their dog's turd... either with a bag or with their hands. Clint Eastwood style. Yeah. Now that's a job I'd do.

Red Squirrel said...


No Shit!

or Reeky's inadvertent suggestion of 'Holy Crap!'

Pearl said...

Retired One, I think people do it because they can, because no one calls them on it.

Venom, that’s going straight into my business-model paperwork!

Kavi, we all have such wonderful ideas, don’t we?!

iNDefatigable mjenks, by God that’s the best use of the root word “copro” that I’ve ever seen. You have no idea how much I wish I’d thought of that myself…

U, well said! Spring is threatening to pop at any moment and I need to practice my “look” so I’m ready…

Reeky, in my neighborhood there are very few children. Shoot, we couldn’t even get someone to shovel. I think $65 is reasonable for three dogs (especially if they’re good-sized dogs), and a nice yard BBQ-ready.

Michelle, have never had a colonic, although I ate some bad food once that about did the same thing… (And I’m glad you don’t give a shit!)

Pearl said...

Steve, something like a Turd Enforcer?! I'll do it! But only if I get someone to follow me around with a boombox that continually plays the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Oooooh. And a poncho. I'm gonna need a Navajo poncho.

Squirrel, I like Holy Crap. Or maybe "Wholly Crap", you know, like I specialize in crap. I could do other things, but no, it's wholly crap.

Ian Lidster said...

It's a shitty job, but somebody has to do it -- or should do it. BTW, we have dog poop bag stands in our parks.

Michelle said...

Pearl-Q I think I should say I'm sorry!

I didn't mean I don't give a shit, what I meant to say was something about pooping doggies and how much shit they produce!!


Pearl said...

Ian, oh sure! Everyone's rubbing their city-provided poop bags in my face.
Go ahead -- I set myself up.

Pearl said...

Michelle, I know! We're cool, you and I!
So sweet, you.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearl I think it is hysterical that the blog before this one was "You Gonna Eat That?"

That might make for a humorous name for your business!!

"You Gonna Eat That?"
If not, why not use a poop bag?

Peace - Rene

citizen of the world said...

Peoplehear let their dogs poop riht on the dam when two steps would take them off the side and out of the walking path. I HATE that! But I reserve more of my ire for people who let their dogs roam free in the neighborhhood to poop in my yard.

Brian said...

Shit yeah!!!

Gran said...

When my son pooped his diapers, I cleaned it up. If I decided to buy a dog, I would make a promise, to myself and the community, to be a vigilant poop-er-scooper! Very funny post!

mbuna53 said...

"Hey – why don’t you get a dog and then pay me to come over and clean your yard? What do you say?"

Hhmmm....a tempting offer. Let me think about it.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Or, "Pearl: Dog Poop Enemy No. 1". (Yes, the other people's suggestions were better).


I like the thought of having one of those park contraptions out in my backyard. I could place it in an out of the way spot in the yard and send the kids out to pick up the crap they agreed to pick up when we started our little zoo. It would also make me feel like their allowance was somehow justified. Brilliant!!!

Jocelyn said...

Oh, don't I like you (and have just sussed that you're a fellow MN-tan)?

I have been known to follow people home and later leave the bag of their dog's poop on the stoop for them.

That's a special kind of crazy, right?

Eskimo Bob said...

I can't believe I missed this post. Most people have probably moved on though - and this post is but a memory. However that will not stop me from commenting. . . I shall press forward. I can't believe no one mentioned "Doody".

You know - previously I mentioned how your posts bring songs to mind - and this is no different. Tell me if you've heard this one:

Don't Crap in your hand - Crap in your poopy suit.

You'll feel relief filling your brief. . . whoo!

-(Sniffle) I've got a lump in my throat.

-I've got a lump in my poopy suit.

-Now Cut that out!

-Hee hee hee; Just Drop it.

- Oh jeez guys.

- I'll eliminate it from my repertoire.

- Stop that!