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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Television: One. Pearl: One.

I found myself in a TV-induced coma Saturday night in what was surely a personal record. It took less than an hour to leave me completely limp, slack-jawed.

This is not how I want to be remembered, frankly, lying under a pile of quilts and afghans on this ugly couch; and I am slightly concerned that someone will somehow walk in and catch me inert. Oh, speaking of how I want to be remembered, should I die of cold and/or boredom this weekend, please contact Paula regarding our promise to each other. She’ll know what I’m talking about.

How pleasant to be unconscious. I am free-floating and blameless. I am shiny and strong, and now with scalp conditioners. I slice, dice, and make julienne fries. I am dreadfully interested in stopping insidious drafts, eliminating wax buildup, and getting rid of unwanted stains.

I am in the market for what’s for sale for just nine installments of $49.99 a month.

The best part? You send no money. No money down. You sign nothing. If you are not completely satisfied, you’ll not only get your money back, they’ll clean your carpets free of charge.

You heard that right: Free of charge.

But wait! Put down that phone – there’s more!

Have you been in an automobile accident where you were not at fault? Are you picking fights in elevators, saying things to the press that you later regret? Have you been named in any lawsuit in which the word “assault” plays a part? Have you recently washed anything red with anything white? Have you or a loved one stared at each other in the recent past wondering “what the hell is she/he talking about?”

Then you, my friend, are among the demographics that spurred the recent development of The Deep Breath.

For centuries the secrets of The Deep Breath were held in the Far East, where their mysterious medicines remained unavailable to The West.

For a limited time and restricted to the first 100 callers, when you buy The Instant Classic mentioned earlier, we will throw in, for absolutely hardly a fee, the DVDs “Taking A Deep Breath” and “The Deep Breath: What You’ll Find When You Unpucker”…


It was at this point that I was awoken by a commercial featuring Magic Johnson on behalf of Jackson Hewitt Tax Services. Some sort of basketball injury/tax-preparation-business analogy that probably wouldn’t have made sense to me even if I had been alert when it started.

I feel oddly refreshed.

18 comments:

The Retired One said...

Wow. I think what I really want is to be inside your brain/thoughts for about 10 minutes. (No longer...because I couldn't readjust to my reality if I stayed any longer)!
How much would that cost? (And if you grant it, is shipping and handling included?) (And do I still get the free set of steak knives?)

darsden said...

LOL welcome to my world Pearl glad you could come by for a while.

Irish Gumbo said...

'Turn off your mind, realx and float downstream, this is not dyyyiiinnng...'

John Lennon was right: it's not dying, it's just watching television! The last time this happened to me I had a fever and I woke up in the middle of a Spongebob episode involving psychedelics and talking hamburgers the size of a Volkswagen.

Trippy, man, trippy...

My word veri is 'preepl'. Some kind of combination of 'props' and 'people'? Dibs!

Irish Gumbo said...

"realx"? Not effectively using spell check either. It's 'relax'. Just like in the Frankie Goes to Hollywood song.

Under the Influence said...

Using TV as a sleep aide will do that to you! I should know.

Douglas said...

It is a magical place, your mind, isn't it?

And why is it almost always $19.95?

And, often enough, when it is more, it becomes 2 payments of $19.95.

Is that number derived after incredible amounts of research and testing? is it the price break point? More and the impulse buyer won't bite, less and the product is too cheap?

EskimoBob said...

No music this time - but a definite green tinted 90's memory of a cable knit sweater and over sized eyeglasses.

You were everywhere, and most notably for the Daily Hand Blender, one infomercial product that actually delivered and spawned off similar products.

EskimoBob said...

No typos - just a plea for an added insight from you on my newest blog.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm a tv junkie, so I feel ya pain, usually during commercial breaks I'm using the facilities and re-filling my wine glass!

Janie said...

you so capture what is TV today.

good job!!

Vic said...

It's that damn snuggie blanket thing. They coat it with something, I know they do,maybe thorazine, which is why everyone looks so relaxed. Take off the blanket!

Cameron said...

There are worse ways to go - death by boredom on couch actually doesn't sound too bad.

Sweet Cheeks said...

What I find when I nap and have the TV on...is that when I wake up and all the catch phrases from useless and annoying infomercials stay in my brain for weeks.
Set it and forget it...
:)

Kevin Musgrove said...

My brother once woke up after a significant drinking bout to find himself tuned into Bananas In Pyjamas - a kids' programme featuring...

He had a cold sweat and a half!

fingers said...

That was very funny and just a little bit clever, Pearl.
I was beginning to think I was crazy being the only person in the room stupefied by the advertising content on TV.
And by that I don't mean angered by its frequency, apalled by its irrelevance, disgusted by its tastelessness or insulted by its pointlessness.
I mean it just leaves me glassy-eyed in wonder at what sort of person they think is watching TV.
And it gets even sillier after midnight...

Jeanne said...

So many channels, so little content....

Michelle said...

You ROCK!!!

Your ideas just flow and flow!!! Where in your mind do you come up with these amazing posts??? Can you point to it so i can find it and then try to find it in my mind????

Please!!!!

Have a great evening!!!! Is the TV on?

Braja said...

I'll have Paula send your body to Puri and we'll burn you in the ghats there :)

Oh dear..I do hope you read yesterday's post or you'll never understand that and it will sound kinda freakish...