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Monday, January 12, 2009

Cow Patty Bingo, or A Sign You Have a Rural Gambling Problem

As a prelude to the upcoming silliness, can I ask you for a favor? If you’d go to Humorbloggers.com, find me under “Observational and Social” and then say something nice or vote me most hygienic or most punctual or something, I’d really appreciate it. This, I’m sure, will make up for not being voted Homecoming Queen. Or not. I’m still pretty bitter.

There are days when I swear I can write about anything.

And there are days when maybe I shouldn’t.

Take today, for example, and how I've been thinking about cow manure.

I’ll bet you don’t think about it much, do you?

Wait – maybe you do. What the heck do I know?

I think about it. I’m not ashamed. As a matter of fact, manure is tops on my list of odd things I enjoy the smell of.

Wait! Where are you going?! Don’t judge me!

I like the smell of manure, honestly. Takes me back to my grandparents’ farm. Manure, Lava soap, and Old Spice: the smell of rural Minnesota in the 60s. The smell of hard work and my grandpa.

But did you know you can do so much more with manure than just smell it?

Take, for instance, Cow Patty Bingo.

What? You’ve never been? Oh, my dear, how do you get by?

Read on, my friend, at your own discretion.

Tired of gambling via cards and lottery tickets? Why not employ two of mid-America’s favorite things: cow manure and bingo?

It’s easy!

You’re going to need to section off a good part of, say, a parking lot. Mark it just like a Bingo card. Then get yourself a cow.

Maybe you could borrow one from a friend?

Next, round up those of your friends that a.) have extra money, b.) believe they have extra money, or c.) have a gambling problem. How much of the rent money you put on it is up to you, but I’ve always had good experiences with Jerseys, so if the cow is a Jersey, I say you throw it all in and see what happens…

Maneuver said cow into center of the Bingo square. (You’ll want to fence this in – both to keep the cow them from wandering off and to prevent the highly illegal but much-attempted bovine manipulation.)

And now? Relax. Give the cow a little something to eat and wait for nature to take its course.

Oh, the excitement! Where will the cow patty land? Grab your lawn chair, crack a beer, and wait for the pay-off. With any luck, the plop will land on your square.


Think of the bragging rights!


La Belette Rouge said...

I was prepared to vote for you as most hygienic until you brought out the Manure, Lava soap, and Old Spice. Now I need to go sniff something lovely to get that trifecta of unpleasant smells out of my nose.;-)

Under the Influence said...

My dad grew up on a farm and well, I didn't. As a kid, whenever we would find ourselves in the country with that manure smell wafting into the car and my brother and I, and usually my mom, gagging, choking and coughing, my dad would always shout out "mmmm, fresh air!"

Cat said...

Wow, this is a new cow patty game I've never considered before! When I was a kid, we used them as frisbees (the dried ones) because they're incredibly light and aerodynamic.

Pearl said...

La Belette, so I've lost your vote on most hygienic? :-)

UTI, I honestly do like the smell of cow manure. Now PIG manure. That's just gross.

Cat, it amuses me to say I've done the same thing.

EskimoBob said...

Reminds me of the time honored game of drunk bingo. Same pricipal, but instead of a cow, use a drunk and wait for the barf.

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL we did it with chickens! Seriously every year at our Christmas party everyone chose a number...we sectioned off a little area painted on the numbers....let loose a chicken and where ever he dropped first won. It was actually pretty funny to watch everyone screaming at the poor confused chicken..and trying to lure it onto their number. And the clean up was waaaay easier than the cow version! UH OH I just proved what a redneck hick I am didn't I???

Pearl said...

EskimoBob, you either just made that up or I'm not getting invited to as many parties as I thought I was! New one!

Pearl said...

Nikkicrumpet, yes, you did. :-) But I do imagine the clean-up is a lot easier!

Irish Gumbo said...

What a crappy game. (badda bing!)

Seriously, I can't gamble for shit! (rimshot)

Now you can you won a crapload of money! (double badda bing!)

Thank you, thank you!

Pearl, would you PLEASE stop distracting me so I can get my own post finished? Jeez, between you, Braja and Mouthy Irish Woman, i don't know what it is about the pretty ladies and cow poop...

Pearl said...

IG, I swear I never saw any of that coming. I laughed out loud at your comment. :-)

Kavi said...

Ok. So i wrote about my experiences in a toilet. And you write about cow manure !

Ok. Ok.. Hmm. And you say i have a wide eyed view of things !! Well well well !!


I like cows too. And when i go to my dads anscestral house in a small village, the cows were trying to tell me something. Now i realise it was bingo !

Hmm !

Pearl said...

Kavi, we are so far apart and yet so close. :-)

Douglas said...

I am reminded of Any Griffith's early comedy wherein he had a bit about college football...

Andy Grffith on College Football

Steve said...

I have it on good authority that manure, when it reaches a certain stage, begins to smell like chocolate. I have to stay away from farms.

mbuna53 said...

I don't know if I'd go as far as saying I enjoy the smell of cow manure, but I don't mind it. It does remind me of visits to the country to see my granpa and my aunt.

I was just watching a movie last night, "The Real Dirt On Farmer John" that got me all nostalgic for the old days and visits to the country. Going to have to go for a drive out to some farm once all this snow melts and wander around sniffing the air.

One last thing. My dad told me once that when he was a kid growing up on the farm he used to like to walk barefoot and step in the cow pies when they were still warm and squeeze the manure between his toes. There goes your hygienic rating, sorry.

Lilly's Life said...

I couldnt get past the line, I like the smell of manure. Yes my grandparents had a farm too but...but...

Pearl said...

Douglas, I will listen to that soon!

Steve? Whoever told you that? Don't take the dessert!!

mbuna, what can I say? I'm a simple(minded) gal!

Lilly. Oh, Lilly. Now I've lost your respect.
Wait. I had your respect, didn't I?

justsomethoughts... said...

you had me from "crack a beer". so long as there are some cold ones, this sounds like a really nice way to spend afteron all things considered. of course you can put on the floodlghts and make an evening of it as well...

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearl, our school's big fundraiser of the year is "The Great Cow Manuever" aka cow patty bingo.

The lucky plop deed wins $5,000.00

We know how to "doo" it up in NH.

Peace -REne

Sweet Cheeks said...


justsomethoughts... said...

and just for the record, i went to the site and wrote an incomprehensible woot! for you.
just so you know.
so what if i cant type or spell. them things is ohviradid.
come to think of it, it looks like some of my word verifications...

Michelle said...


No really!!!


Did i mention gross???

Well, then gross!!!

Love ya!!!

Braja said...

Oh, I could SO go on about this :) Wish you'd asked me for a photo of them for this post !!

Braja said...

And i love the smell of cow dung, baby :)

Pearl said...

justsomethoughts, floodlights.
:-) Now I'm picturing an evening event, something with gowns and butlered appetizers. Of course, it would be Spam cubes on Ritz crackers, but we could do it up!
p.s. thanks for the Woot! As soon as I have the money saved, I'm going to send you a cold one in the mail. :-D

Oh, Rene. :-) Oh, Rene. You've just made me so happy.

SweetCheeks. Get THAT one outta your head, huh?!

Michelle. I'm afraid so. :-D

Braja, all of the blogs that I write are last minute weirdnesses that just beg to be written. But you're right -- I should've contacted you!! Sorry!
And it IS a nice, earthy smell, isn't it?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh, the excitement! Oh, the excrement!

I'm like you, I think about cow manure quite a lot, but that's because I've just taken over an old neglected garden. I got some lovely 3-year old rotted stuff from one of my wife's cousins: now your mouth's watering, eh?!!

Maggie May said...

i was going to write something but i was snorting too violently!!!

Jeanne said...

Years ago I had friends who, for reasons I don't recall, had a buffalo chip, painted with some kind of blue stuff (to preserve it, I guess).

Maybe it was a souvenir from a trip to an Iowa casino.

darsden said...

OMGoodness Pearl, bundle up! It is cold as a **up there! I not riding in today...LOL too damn cold! I'm gonna stay right here in my teeshirt and shorts! ;-)

The Retired One said...

Okay..now I am really getting worried about you....
Maybe you have too much time on your hands?
Isn't there a place where I can report cow abuse to? There MUST be?????
Maybe we can work out a marketing deal to produce an aftershave that your husband can wear that has that "distinctive aroma"? Hot, definitely hot.