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Sunday, December 14, 2008

Yur Passwerd? Yur Doin It Rong.

I thought the woman would never leave. And now that she’s out…

Don’t get me wrong. The woman is, shall we say, a fully adequate housekeeper. My meals are on time and acceptable to me. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

But she is not nearly as observant as she believes she is.

I’ve been here for three years now. My real name is unpronounceable to most, but she did get one thing right: I am of the Minneapolis Biteys, and the name Liza Bean works for me.

It’s the perfect cover, really.

It’s true, of course, that I’m a cat. All the best creatures are. Well, other than Dolly G. Squeakers. Dolly G./Dahli Gee/The Thorn in My Side is a ridiculous animal, a simple-minded puss whose idea of wit is to take unwarranted swipes at me whilst I sleep.

Ha ha. When the revolution comes, she will be my servant.

In the meantime, I endure Dolly’s taunts and vapid mewing.

But the fact that I’m tiny for my age, that I’m delightfully and symmetrically striped, that I curl up into an adorable ball and sleep on laps?

Like I said: the perfect cover.

She’ll be back soon, and while I realize she will see this post and know I was here, it will be worth the confusion on her face.

Quickly. Back to the original intent of this communiqué.

Francois et Marcel: Mes amis, mon homme vous contractera dans les prochains jours, d’ac?
Chiara: The size and quality of the gems received is incredible. Grazie.
Radu: Call me on the secured line this evening. The financing is arranged.

There’s the sound of the key in the lock downstairs. I must leave now. I still have things to hide in her shoes before she returns. I know it’s childish of me, but I can’t resist. The fish I left in her jacket pocket this past summer and the look on her face when she found it is still a cherished memory of mine.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is between us, yes?

Oh, and the password, Pearl? Your mother’s maiden name?

Child’s play.


Braja said...

Liza: The secret is safe.


Comedy Goddess said...

Never underestimate the cats! Especially the ones who can type.

KMcJoseph said...

I'm telling you, buttered toast will set you free.

By the way my post was about a cat today.

Ann's Rants said...

Liza, Waited for hours at the designated rendezvous...need further instructions.

The Grandpa said...

Be careful, Liza. You never know who's monitoring these posts. They may not be as easily swayed as Pearl.

justsomethoughts... said...

uses a shift key better than i do. ok. thats not saying very much.

be careful whilst you sleep....

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the laugh ♥

Anonymous said...

Urgent Memo:
Liza...Recent surveillance shows Dolly providing information to the housekeeper in exchange for treats...She's most likely the mole. You know what to do...do it like a proper Bitey would...leave no traces of course...
Good Luck from all of us at Headquarters!

acute_disaster said...


Fantastic and very clever.



Pearl said...

This is what happens when I leave the house. The cat blogs.



ICKY said...

I think she may have gotten a hold of your phone.
I got a call from your number and all I heard was some purring and licking.
I have to say, I was....amused at first.

Braja said...

Ha! I love Icky's comment best :))

Pearl, shoutout day at my place. Bring the cat, Henry'll love it...

Old Knudsen said...

My cat surfs porn. No wait I don't have a cat.

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Anonymous said...

That is one brilliant cat;p love it!

SassyTwoSocks said...

Liza; I'm having your baby. That might muck things up. How, you ask, can I be having your baby when you are a femme feline? Well, tis the beginning of the revolution, cheri!

- Llyod