I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I Don’t Have A Tattoo

I don’t have a tattoo. It’s not that I haven’t thought of it, but what would be so important that I’d have it permanently inked into my flesh? I can’t pick out wallpaper – how in the world would I pick out my tattoo?

There is a man I know – who shall remain nameless – who has decided that what he needs to say should be visible to everyone. He has two full “sleeves” of tattoos of women in various states of undress and perkiness. He has two large-gauge holes in his ear lobes, and, from what I hear, two metal studs in his penis.

Isn’t that delightful?

While I may not have first-hand knowledge of the studs in his naughty bits, I was privileged enough to have been shown the tattoo on his geenis. That’s a hard “g” on that word, by the way. Do you know the geenis? It’s a colloquialism, a combination of the words “gut” and “penis”.

Hey! I think I’ve hit a new low. That’s the word “penis” three times in one post.

Anyway, I was in the unenviable position of having this man pull up his shirt to show me the tattoo on his geenis, and it was this: “Ain’t Nothin’ Sweeter Than A Fat Man’s Peter”.

Oh, wait. I think I’ve hit a new new low.

Now what do you think he was thinking when he pulled out his cash card for that one? Do you think he was thinking that it would be a hit with the ladies?

From the spider webs on his elbows to the Tasmanian Devil on his upper arm to the ode to his penis on his geenis, this guy’s tattoos are representative of how he wants to be seen. Why he wants to be seen this way, I don’t know, but at least they’re all recognizable.

But what if you don’t recognize a tattoo? For example, there are a lot of tattoos of Chinese characters out there – and by Chinese characters I don’t mean interesting Chinese personalities, I mean the writing characters.

And I’m wondering. Unless you write Chinese, how do you know that the design that you’ve picked out of the magazine, the design you’ve just paid the tattoo artist for, the design now permanently inked into your shoulder blade isn’t “Everlasting Peace” at all but is really “Parking in Rear” or, better yet, “Gullible Client”?

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t have anything against tattoos or the people who love them. Hey! Some of my best friends have tattoos! But me, what would my tattoo look like? Maybe roots tattooed to the bottom of my feet now that I’m a married woman and a home owner. Maybe a hundred-dollar bill between my shoulder blades, symbolizing the money that is always just out of my reach. Maybe a light bulb on my temple, for all those bright ideas I have.

Maybe I’ll sleep on this one.

1 comment:

_-*Kristen*-_ said...

I know so many people that want to get tatoos, and I'm just like "What the heck for?" You know its gonna get saggy and ugly when you get older, and you can never remove it. So what if you go through this goth stage and have skulls and webs tatooed all over your arms? Whatcha gonna do then?

I don't know what I would do for a tatoo either. Its something you have to think about, cause like you said, its a representation of you. If I decided to have a tatoo, it might be a set of wings on my back. You know, cause my dream is to fly but I just can't get there. But, hey, maybe the day after I get the dang thing I'll look at it and go "Oh My Gosh, what did I do?"