Wednesday, March 30, 2011

…and our Hearts are with Her Family at This Time…

And in other news, the body of Office Drudge and Energetic Dancer Pearl was discovered locked in the 47th floor bathroom late Tuesday afternoon.

Reduced to stopping up the sinks for amusement and writing the lyrics to “Me and Bobby McGee” in lipstick on the bathroom mirrors, her prostrate form was found just inside the door.

“That’ll teach her to forget her key card,” a representative from Facilities was overheard muttering.

Coworkers, colleagues, superiors, and free-food hopefuls met this morning over yesterday’s bagels to discuss her many attributes and maximize their coffee breaks in work-appropriate shows of anguish.

“She was a snappy dresser, I’ll give her that much,” intones one member of the shipping department.

“Who uses the 47th floor bathroom anyway?”

“She owed me a lunch,” mutters an associate.

“Speaking of lunch, she ever give you that tired old speech on her stand regarding the word “coworker”?”

“I NEVER ORKED A COW IN MY WHOLE LIFE,” shouts several admins.

Blinded by leftover bagels and unstructured time, the room goes silent.

“Wait a minute,” interjects Little Miss She-Owes-Me-Lunch. “Who dies from being locked in the bathroom?”

“Who said anything about her being dead?”

Confused looks are exchanged.

“She’s not dead?”

“Nah. We just found her stretched out on the floor, singing Janis Joplin songs. Apparently she didn’t know the room locks itself.”

“Poor thing,” says a representative from Accounting. “I heard they found her with lipstick smeared all over her face.”

Blank stares all around.

“You know, to conserve moisture.”

Concurrent comments break the solemnity of the occasion.
“She wasn’t in a desert, ya maroon.”
“Gah.”
“Shaddap.”
“Go back to yer desk…”

The room falls silent.

“So where is she now?”

The room erupts in commentary again.
“At her desk, of course.”
“She went back to the 47th floor bathroom for some alone time!”
“She’s with the plumber – he’s come to fix the sink!!”
“Well I’m not covering for her.”

And with that, the memorial group disbands.
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48 comments:

  1. UnknownMarch 30, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    Cow-orkers!
    Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!

    Never orked a cow in my life! Love it!

    Me thinks they doth protest too much.

    ReplyDelete
  2. lifeshighwayMarch 30, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    ohh, I think I am in love. I am relieved to find out your are not dead because it would be just like me to find a new blog to read and then have the blogger all dead and stuff.

    Keep moisturizing.

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  3. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    No, but once locked in a bathroom your life is never quite the same. The colors seem brighter, somehow...

    ReplyDelete
  4. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 7:39 AM

    Come on, Susan!! Telkl me the word "coworker" doesn't look wrong!! I'm tellin' ya, the day they removed the dash from that word was a sad one indeed.

    lifeshighway, glad to hear it!! And yes. I will. :-)

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  5. Bossy BettyMarch 30, 2011 at 7:43 AM

    WHO is it? WHO is it? WHO is it?

    Oh, sorry.....

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  6. Oilfield TrashMarch 30, 2011 at 7:46 AM

    Oh my.......

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  7. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 7:46 AM

    I'll never look a the word coworker in the same way again...

    - Jazz

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  8. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 7:54 AM

    Bossy, it's the plumber! I've come to fix the sink!!

    OT, sorry. :-)

    haphazardlife, as well you should not.

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  9. JinksyMarch 30, 2011 at 8:02 AM

    Your exciting life never ceases to amaze me...

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  10. TALONMarch 30, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    lol! I'm with you on the hyphenation. It's totally necessary! Cow-orker - I'll be repeating this all day and laughing like a mad woman. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. UnknownMarch 30, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    Pearl, once again, you cracked me up! I look forward to your posts. Cow orker...that's a good one.

    ReplyDelete
  12. GlenMarch 30, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    I didn't get locked in one but the automatic lights went out leaving me in the pitch black, and that was bad enough.

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  13. CheeseboyMarch 30, 2011 at 9:02 AM

    To conserve moisture???? Holy crap that is funny.

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  14. laughingmomMarch 30, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    Glad that you're not dead, but can't help to wonder about the helluva wake Mary would throw for you!

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  15. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    Jinksy, it amuses me as well. :-)

    TALON, orking cows is just wrong.

    Eva, I'm glad. I think you're pretty funny as well!

    Glen, I can see where that might be exciting.

    Cheeseboy, ;-) I have to admit I laughed when I wrote that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 9:05 AM

    laughingmom, how right you are! Hmm. A future post perhaps...

    ReplyDelete
  17. LeenieMarch 30, 2011 at 9:06 AM

    Wait, wait! Am I the only one who's ever orked a cow? Man, you people are all missing out. Why down on the farm...oh nevermind.

    I get such a kick out of those Pearly word pictures. I was there with you helping you remember the words to "Bobby Mcgee." And I'm so glad you gave a link to the plumber line. I knew I'd heard it over and over but I would have gone crazy all day trying to remember why.

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  18. PatMarch 30, 2011 at 9:06 AM

    Glad you're out:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Bill LislemanMarch 30, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    co-worker = cow orker that's brilliant but it does follow from the a lert. check out youtube
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAZ_bNH0aJI

    ReplyDelete
  20. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 9:23 AM

    Leenie, wasn't that the best show ever?!

    Pat, I've got a whole new perspective on life...

    lisleman, that is fabulous. :-) I've shared it on my FB!

    ReplyDelete
  21. PearlMarch 30, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    Please note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAZ_bNH0aJI

    Lisleman has taken an earlier post about me and Mary and animated it. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. KalMarch 30, 2011 at 9:55 AM

    This is gonna sound weird but I have always found that the higher up the office bathroom is, the better a poop I can expect to have. I swear, the bathroom at the top of the CN Tower was a near religious experience for me. Totally worth the effort. So I understand you wanted to get away for some quiet time.

    ReplyDelete
  23. jenny_oMarch 30, 2011 at 10:10 AM

    So, how much work did you get out of doing? :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. HumorSmithMarch 30, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    Too freakin' funny. Methinks you are giving me a run for the silly award, or at least the cow pun prize. Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. BelleMarch 30, 2011 at 10:33 AM

    Pearl- this post made me roar with laughter. I read it to my daughter who always grabs my computer so I have to use this laptop.
    At least you know how to keep yourself busy! Singing songs is always a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. jabblogMarch 30, 2011 at 10:39 AM

    A bathroom with a keycard to get OUT?? Sounds horrendous - I'd never escape.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Nancy/BLissed-Out GrandmaMarch 30, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    If you ever turn to writing murder mysteries, I think Death on the 47th Floor would be a best-seller.

    ReplyDelete
  28. RebeccaMarch 30, 2011 at 10:50 AM

    you wow me once again with your wonderful stories

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  29. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 12:01 PM

    See? I KNEW that's where all the great rumors get started--at the office!

    ReplyDelete
  30. UnknownMarch 30, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    Moisturizer! That is why little old ladies always have so much lipstick on their face. The world is becoming so much clearer....

    ReplyDelete
  31. Cake BetchMarch 30, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    Hahaha.... ooh poor Pearl. At least they found her before she started writing her farewells in lipstick.

    ReplyDelete
  32. GigiMarch 30, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    We have a key-carded file room - I figure this will happen to me one day....

    WHEN did they remove the hyphen from co-worker? WHO is responsible for this? I, for one, refuse to bend on this issue. Or the one where "they" now say you only need to put one space after the period. Uh-uh - ain't happenin'.

    ReplyDelete
  33. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 4:01 PM

    Some word do look odd, and then there are those that fit....awkward looks just right-awkward.
    Are you and Bobby cow orkers? On the 47th Floor? NOW I understand everything.
    Well, except maybe the lipstick.

    ReplyDelete
  34. TracyMarch 30, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    Oh my gosh, one of my greatest fears...being locked in a bathroom! How awful!
    I hope you are recovering...

    ReplyDelete
  35. LanceMarch 30, 2011 at 4:15 PM

    At least it was Janis, no one could wait like her...busted flat in Baton Rouge, waitin' on a train..

    Thanks for stumbling over to my blog. It's nice to have another follower who is a Replacements fan. Paul Westerberg is a genius.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Joanna JenkinsMarch 30, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    Oh you poor thing. Being locked in the bathroom should be cause for a leave of absence with pay of full disability!
    Glad you made it out.
    xo jj

    ReplyDelete
  37. HermanTurnipMarch 30, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    “Wait a minute,” interjects Little Miss She-Owes-Me-Lunch. “Who dies from being locked in the bathroom?”

    Now that you bring it up, a co-worker (ohh, there's *that* word!) was found unconscious in the mens restroom at work last week. The hallway was filled with all manner of police, fireman and paramedic. Not only could I not get into the bathroom but I couldn't even get to the kitchen to join the gossip circles.

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  38. Antares CryptosMarch 30, 2011 at 8:02 PM

    I have a fondness for people who know how to entertain themselves and others.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Notes From ABroadMarch 30, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    I have to remember that cow-orker joke .. if I ever had a coworker, it might be fun to tell it ..somehow I doubt that will ever happen though ...
    I pictured you , a bit like Bette Davis in Baby Jane.. lipstick all over her face.. scary eye make-up .. it took a minute to erase that mental picture.
    Send photos of the view from the 47th floor !

    ReplyDelete
  40. mamahasspokenMarch 30, 2011 at 8:59 PM

    Can't believe I am commenter 41 and everyone before knows what it is you never have done to cow. So what in the heck is that?

    ReplyDelete
  41. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 9:39 PM

    Thank goodness I currently have no cow-orkers, only collab-orators ....whatever that means. I am with a Broad (get your mind out of the gutter)....I would like to see what a ladies room looks like on the 47th floor. Is it true that there is a sofa? Glad you are alive.

    ReplyDelete
  42. RiverMarch 30, 2011 at 11:10 PM

    I've been locked in a bathroom stall when the handle/lock thingy kept spinning but wouldn't unlatch, and had to climb out over the top of the door, because there was no way I was going to slither along that grotty floor to get under the door.
    How does one ork a cow exactly?

    ReplyDelete
  43. PearlMarch 31, 2011 at 5:17 AM

    Orking cows is a dangerous -- yet precious! -- thing and is only allowed in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and, as one might be able to guess, California.

    I could tell you about it, but then I'd have to kill you.

    And yes -- the 47th floor bathroom requires a key to get out! It's because the floor has been split and one half of it is now, I believe, full of attorneys. I guess we don't want them infilitrating through the bathroom... I'd have to go downstairs and take a look at it to figure out the whys, but I'm not up to reliving the experience just yet! Let us leave it a mystery and never speak of this again.

    :-D

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  44. DeborahMarch 31, 2011 at 6:08 AM

    LOL ... so funny and you write brilliantly!

    ReplyDelete
  45. ThreeOldKeysMarch 31, 2011 at 6:37 AM

    ... so glad you rose like a 47th-floor phoenix to write another day and ... blah blah blah ... what i'm really thinking about is the word "cowhide".

    no, it's not the same word construction, but it reminds me to go check on the angus in the attic.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Maundering muttererMarch 31, 2011 at 9:00 AM

    A dramatic and exciting adventure of the concrete jungle. Glad you triumphed! I don't think I could tolerate a toilet that high up: my head would be filled with images of plummeting poop and I 'd succumb to vertigo.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Indigo RothApril 3, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Hey Pearl! I should be more careful when I sleep under my desk; one of these days it'll be mistaken for The Big Sleep. They'll haul me out of the window to the skip three floors below just in case I wake up. Meh. Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  48. raydenzel1June 15, 2012 at 5:14 AM

    cow orker? that is funny udder nonsense

    ReplyDelete

I've gotten rather tight for time and must decline awards. I love them, but I'd rather be posting something new and making more time to respond to your comments. A heartfelt thanks to all those who have considered me for a nomination. You know how I love you.