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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

You Should See The Cake They Give You When You Reach This Age

It started innocently enough.

Several weeks into December, and after an unsatisfying encounter of the political Facebook kind, one in which a man in his early 20s proffered the “known fact” that Minneapolis was the home of “people who hate America”, I became concerned that I was too readily find-able.

“I’m going off the grid,” I told Mary.

“Hmmm,” Mary offered.  “You do realize you have the kind of last name that people believe you’ve created just for its Scrabble possibilities, yes?”

It’s true.  My last name, a hyphenated concoction thought in some circles to be a Klingon declaration of love, is unique.  Richly, densely, even drunkenly unique.

But I was on a roll. 

“I blocked him,” I said,  “And I think I should change my birthday, too.  I mean, even if he can remember half the name, I want to make sure he doesn’t…”

I trail off.

“Doesn’t what,” Mary prods.  “Send you a birthday card?  See if you’re compatible on one of those Chinese animal zodiac things?”  Mary chuckles softly to herself.

“Hey, now,” I say.

“Wait, wait,” she says.  I hear her move the phone from one ear to the other.  “Maybe he’s thinking of adding you to his Friends and Family bundle, get ya a good deal on an extra phone line.”

There is a thudding sound, and I know without asking that she’s just fallen off her chair and is laying on her back, tears of laughter in her bright blue eyes.

I sigh.

There is no end to my suffering.

I let her work her way through her enjoyment, and in no time at all she is coherent again.      

“Changing your birthdate is a dumb idea,” she says.”Just remove it.”

Oddly enough, however, I could not figure out how to remove my birthdate. 

In the end, I simply changed it to January 1, 1905.

1905.

I received over 130 posts, texts, and offers of gin and tonics on New Years Day, all filled with warm messages of love and dismay that they’d never noticed before that I had been born on New Year’s Day, which I had not.

Most disturbingly of all, however, was that no one mentioned how good I looked for having just turned 111...

28 comments:

Nasreen Iqbal said...

I'm not sure how to avoid people I don't wish to find me, and I have a name that is very common in some parts of the world.

I need to learn how not to engage with people who just wish to bicker.

I would expect the type to be larger on the page of an 111 year old.

Jono said...

Change your name to protect the innocent.

Launna said...

People on line can be scary... they say and do things they wouldn't to your face.

I am sure you look amazing for 111... I might have mentioned it if I had seen it... lol :)

Stef said...

Ahhh, Facebook. Let's you connect with the people you mostly don't want to connect with. 111, that's pretty dang amazing!! Bet those who graduated with you were left scratching their heads....I am sure rumors will be passed...and you can see it all online!!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

I managed to find out when your birthday was anyway.
Mwa ha ha!

jenny_o said...

You're going to want to jump on this idea fast: sell your secret to beauty at age 111 to those advertisers that pop up on the sides of webpages. In your case, you really DO have a secret. Not a well-kept secret, though, since publishing this post. So hop to it!

fishducky said...

You don't look a day over 109!!

Geo. said...

I'm an impressionable boy of 66 who never joined Facebook because I didn't think it would be good for me. However, with the excellent profile suggestions in your post, I may just sign up. Thanks!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
hmmmm... time to cut off the face so as to spite the no's...??? YAM xx

Delores said...

Pearl you look good for any age.

Sioux said...

THAT is why your posts are so witty and so wise.

It's 'cause you're older than dirt.

Linda said...

You post the most interesting things. My children have forbidden my expressing myself on Facebook. They say I am prone to 'poking the bear' asking for a fight I don't want. They advised me to go back to blogging so I did.

Should Fish More said...

My last birthday cake prompted a visit from the fire department when they learned there were going to be candles.
I tried facebook for a month a couple years ago, my daughters nixed the idea.

Gigi said...

Ahhh, Facebook. The bane of my existence. I have a personal account and a blog account. I ignore both of them.

Watson said...

There are some pretty strange people out there. Why just the other day I read a post on Facebook from a woman who is 111 yrs old. And it must be true because it's on "the net"

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I have always thought of Minnesota as the place of milk and honey and happy freezing people. Can't you just block the offending idiot or just change your privacy settings.

My Facebook page is pretty tame;it is made up of old farts, people's children, and cat and dog videos. If I don't like what people are saying, I just delete them and poof, they are gone. I like that power.

Rose L said...

When you hit the news at being 111 then everyone will be able to find you!!!

Catalyst said...

Do you drink yak milk and eat grass? You sure look great for 111.

Diane Tolley said...

I'm not as concerned about the cake and I am about the CANDLES!!!

Linda O'Connell said...

You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, and well, you fooled me this time. You look fine for 109, or is it 111? I say any day is a good day to eat cake.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I certainly hope the President sent you a card! At your age!
Ah, the fuss FB causes us sometimes.

sage said...

I normally send condolences for those born on January 1, as they cheated their parents out of an income tax deduction... but then there was no income tax in 1905. Have a happy birthday whenever it might be!

Connie said...

I think you look fabulous, no matter how many times you have celebrated your birthday. Some scary, weird people can be found on Facebook. I say do whatever you can to keep them at bay.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Well this made me think about how easy would it be to find me online, then I started to think about having a strange surname which I don't I might add but I did think about it for no real reason, I then went on to think about why am I not allowed to give Leo soft drink with breakfast which lead me to think about eggflips and how so many young people have no idea what an eggflip is now I am wondering if you know what a eggflip is and now I am thinking I have rambled on long enough and should leave but before I go I have to tell you it is raining here,ok didn't have to tell you that but I did so deal or not which makes me think about poker a card game I kind of know how to play. Yes I am leaving I just keep thinking of stuff to write and yes I know you may have stopped reading already.

Lisleman said...

"encounter of the political Facebook kind" yes the political trash on FB is always annoying. Seriously everyone should be very careful about giving out more info than necessary online. This has me wondering if FB would let me set my birthday to April 31 - nobody is going make much use of that date.

Susan Kane said...

1905? Dang.
Haven't stopped by here for a while, and reading today made me wonder why I stopped.
I want some cake.

Vapid Vixen said...

I thought there was going to be more cake. I came for the cake.

VEG said...

Maybe, Pearl, you are just, as I've always suspected, IMMORTAL! :)