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Thursday, February 4, 2016

Hey -- What's with the Holes in Your Ceiling?

Eight inches of snow, a cough that won't quit, and YARN!  Have I told you about my new YARN and newly found love of crocheting?!  I haven't?  Well, rest assured that I will.  In excruciating detail, coming in at roughly 300 words...

Until then, relive this, won't you, from 2012?  Because nothing says "winter" like chili and plans to remodel the bedroom...

I sat at Mary’s house the other night. Bowls of home-made chili and slabs of freshly baked bread comfortably downed, we sat in the living room, her dog T-Bone, Black Lab of Incredible Sincerity, at our feet.

“Did Anna friend you?”

Anna was someone from our past, a woman with an insanely cheerful and ambitious sexual history. She told crazy stories, sometimes backed up with the craziest of photos.

“On FaceBook?” I asked. “Yeah, but we don’t talk.”

“You remember the sex swing?”

Well who could forget something like that?

The sex swing figured prominently in Anna’s stories, and Mary and I found ourselves wondering aloud as to why we didn’t own one, why we hadn’t been telling stories about the sex swing.

I could post a picture, of course, but a wink, as they say, is as good as a nod.

It took several off-color jokes and a colored-pencil-and-glued-macaroni diagram (we couldn’t find the glitter), but we've come up with several ideas as to why we have never owned a screwed-into-the-ceiling sexual-enhancement device.

In no particular order:
  • After finding a stud in the general populous, we’d have to find a stud in the ceiling. Have you seen me hang a picture? A nail pounded into a wall with the heel-end of a dress boot is my specialty.
  • Speaking of which, I’m going to need a full-color, instructional brochure on how to use such a swing. Perhaps something frame-worthy.  I have those walls in the sitting room to fill...
  • What about the amount of exercise that would have to take place prior to getting into the swing? I mean, who knows where those straps will cut? Control of the jiggle factor, to my mind, is crucial.
  • The drawing up and signing of the legal documents, holding me blameless and giving me rights to the story should anything untoward/amusing happen whilst strapped into the swing, would be prudent.
  • I would need to give ol’ Ron at Nationwide a call. Will my homeowner’s insurance cover enthusiastically-incurred injuries?
  • And speaking of insurance, do I have the money set aside to cover my medical deductible – and what are the odds of ending up in a Horrors of the Emergency Room video?
As you can see, Mary and I have put a lot of thought into this.

What can I say? That was some really good chili.


jenny_o said...

Not 'ol Ron! He'll blush to death!

Anonymous said...

Ah yes....I do recall you posting about the 'swing of delight'. Never seen one myself. I think the 'jiggle factor' would hold me back as well.

fishducky said...

What do you suppose Ron is wearing under those khakis?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Surely the giggling from revisiting this has helped shift some phlegm... Be better soon - and warm from the embrace of crochet! YAM xx

Connie said...

That swing sounds like more excitement than I'm up for. I don't think I could trust something hanging from the ceiling.

Esther Montgomery said...

Yes. Beware of the Emergency Room!

Pearl, thinking you might like my new blog, 'Esther and the Time Machine'.


Haven't been blogging much recently so one might as well return with nonsense!

Elephant's Child said...

Insurance is indeed an issue.
For some years now a story has been playing out in our courts about a pair of public servants who indulging in athletic (and damaging) sex while on a publically funded work trip.

sage said...

So much for spontaneity :)

Eileen B said...

Heh, heh. I'm not EVEN going to tell you what my twisted mind visualized. Best wishes getting over that cough and through the snow and all the YARN.

Silliyak said...

proof that old yarns maintain their color

Chickens Consigliere said...

1. I wish I had some chili and homemade bread
2. I'm also picturing ham in that netting they use. This is not contributing to my hunger. It's bringing to mind my butt in a sex swing.
3. I know about the sex swing because I used to watch Sex and the City and Samantha had one.
4. Samantha's sex swing may have also been put up with a boot hammer
5. But nothing got broken and fun was had, so there is that to consider
6. As I consider the whole sex swing scene in Sex and the City it occurs to me it's getting rather warm in here
7. Which reminds me of chili and homemade bread
8. I wish I had some