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Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Wherein Pearl Works to Shake it Off; or, In Through the Out Door

It was all new.

New house.  New windows.  New darkness and new alarms.  Even the level of the house had changed; where I was once on the second floor, head in the air, face in the trees, I was now on the ground level, tenants' horseshoe-shod feet goose-stepping overhead on hardwood floors.

It was all too new.

My habits went out the window, one of many, many windows that flew open.  Where do I put my table cloths?  Why did I move these pants?  Where’s that thing, you know the thing that used to be at that other place?

I struggled.  I continue to struggle.

Writing has become more like work, less like leaning across the table with friends, a whisky in one hand, the other used to draw in the air.

It’s like this – and this – and then he said this…

I became protective of my words.  Afraid to let them out at night – they had betrayed me, hadn’t they?  The things and words that I had known to be true floated down, landed at my feet and then blew to the corners to be swept up later.

Where did I put my broom?  Wait.  Do I own a broom?

I have fought for – and won – a semblance of normalcy.  I am getting a divorce.  I know where my socks are.  I am seeing a new man.  I am back to cooking, to going to bed at a decent hour, back to yoga and kettlebells and large, heavy ropes that seek only to dislocate my shoulders…


I am back.  But am I the same?

I need your help.  Tell me what you know.

42 comments:

Delores said...

Tell you what I know? Good God Girl......I'm old.....everything I ever knew has been wrapped up and sold for coffee money. I do know that nothing will change your sense of humor and zest for life, your love of the kittehs, your attachment to limes and gin. I know for sure the words will come back, they will flood your mind and whisper stories to you. I know the bus people will share their lives with you and you will HAVE to tell us about them and we will be waiting anxiously to hear about it.
Your just being here is a sign that your feet are straying back to the writerley path. We have missed you. Do not deny yourself.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

You are finding your way and it takes time. Eventually, everything comes together. Don't worry about your pace, it is your pace, your life and it is yours to make the best of. You have a wonderful chance to start over and you will do well. I know this because you know where your socks are. Not everyone can say that.

Should Fish More said...

I don't have much to add to what the other's above have said. I do know that when you go down the rabbit hole you're different when you pop back up, it's kind of the function of the place. Better? Don't know, but different for sure.
The muse will return, it's just checking out the new you.
Cheers,
Mike

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
...I am not the same person who began typing this. That is the nature of things. Pearl darlin', let each minute unroll, like that whisky on the tongue. The necessary words will be there.

I kid you not, you have been strong on my mind and I was soooooo hoping that meant an appearance. &*> you didn't disappoint.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))) YAM xx

Eileen B said...

Delores said it so well. I'll just say amen.

Linda O'Connell said...

Pearl, let the crud in the corner gather, don't sweep and toss those dust bunnies which are your words, your life. The pace is different, your life is different, you will emerge a new and different person and you will be victorious. The old is your past, the new (which can be frightening) is your future. One day at a time. Just be you! we love you.

Pearl said...

I'd almost forgotten.

Tears and smiles to all of you. I say this in all sincerity.

And I shall relay this all to Dolly Gee, who just sent me a picture of herself blowing cigarette smoke out the dining room window...

joeh said...

I've gone through 2 of these changes. In the first I went from comfortably unhappy to periodically very happy with a wonderful lady and periodically scared bat-shit from the same Jekyll and Hyde person.

Change #2 with wife #3 is working out just dandy, never been happier or more comfortable in my own skin. Love not walking on eggshells.

Change is difficult but it can be so worth it. Sounds like you are on your way to better times, and hurry up, we miss your posts!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

I'm so glad you're finding your way back to happiness, your way back to yourself. You deserve it. We will all be here waiting and rooting for you.

Geo. said...

What I know is your writing is a gift to your readers. You say incomparable things incomparably well, and you're still a lert.

jenny_o said...
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fishducky said...

Keep posting--the words will come!! WE NEED YOU!!

Jono said...

I know I'm slightly jealous of the new man and that I have missed you. I know it is still you in there and that you will find your pants. Keep on doing what you do, buy yourself a new broom and sweep those blues away and take a few deep breaths, but don't hyperventilate. We'll be here whenever you show up.

jenny_o said...

You are the same, and you are different. It happens to all of us all the time, but sometimes the jump between same and different is very small and sometimes it's so big you can't see from one end of the chasm to the other.

It's early days yet for your jump. Time will help. But you are already finding your way. I hope your path will include writing, and the enjoyment of writing, once again.

Buttons Thoughts said...

I for one of many are very glad to see you back. The "old you" probably not but that is OK the new you is as funny and you are still the same just different. I liken the death of a marriage to the death of the ones you love it is very similar in emotions if you think bout it, there is really not a big difference.
I knocks you down, tips your world and you have to pull yourself back up that tilted ledge and get back on the proverbial horse. In this case you have done all of that. I have had a few great losses in my life the last two years (today is the anniversary of my brothers death)and yes I do know how hard it is to get back to what you thought or believed was true and who you really thought you were. Forget that... be who you are now with your battle scars and healing pain and move on and most of all keep writing. We writers have to write it is what keeps us sane well relatively but I do know it will get us through. Sorry about the preaching but know you are not alone and I can see the new you is going to be just fine. BE HAPPY and welcome back home. HUGS HUGS B

Stef said...

WOrds can heal....and if not, they sure are a good way to vent..no???

Connie said...

Progress, whether slow or fast, is still progress. Sometimes things take longer than we wish when we are going through changes. I'm glad to hear you are returning to yourself and to what feels like a sense of the normal again. It's good to remember that a new normal is perfectly fine too. Glad to see you back, Pearl. I always enjoy your words. You bring both joy and fresh insight to us as your readers. You are missed when you are not here.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

You've been so missed, Pearl! Please know that you're valued not just for your wonderful humor but also for your authenticity -- for you at any stage of your life, whatever is happening. While you can feel very much alone during a difficult life transition, please know that many understand and empathize. Step by step, one day at a time. We're on this journey with you.

Silliyak said...

Ditto all the above, + I would guess you will have a lot more material to write about, emotions to explore etc. Fuel for THE MUSE! (like the new picture BTW)

Elephant's Child said...

Echoing everyone else.
Slow steps, some days no steps. Find your own way, and your own path. And hugs.

sage said...

From a selfish POV, I hope you find your way back to writing. But mostly, I hope you find your steps lighter and the sun brighter (that may happen in July). Take care, Pearl, good to hear from you.

Gigi said...

Everyone has already said everything I wanted to say. Take your time, be gentle with yourself and remember that this is YOUR space and it's a safe one.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Gigi said...
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fmcgmccllc said...

I am one of those awful people fond of sayings, It is what it is comes to mind. And without the alcoholism factor I favor Liz Taylor's advice: not verbatim, but something about putting on your lipstick, and putting in foot in front of the other and just doing it until it becomes normal. That is how I do it. I am not as talented as you with the writing but I write in part so I don't scream. And in part so I can remind my son I am still liable to get in trouble.

What do I know, if you can't laugh you are doomed. Laugh.

Robbie Grey said...

I've noticed many of us are silent. Myself included, and I have no legitimate excuse. There's not as much chatter as there once was.

Are we in the midst of sloughing metaphoric skins, at which point we will speak of our times in chrysalis? Or have we grown bored and seek other thrills? I do not know.

Perhaps, time will tell...

Kai pei...

Nasreen Iqbal said...

I know less and less every day.

And you say it all better than me anyway, so I'll just sit here and wait to see what you say next.

Catalyst said...

As one who has been through a divorce . . . well, okay, so it was 50 some years ago and I've been married to my second wife for . . uh . . just a minute . . where the hell's my calculator . . nearly 45 years(!) . . I think I can tell you that (cue the orchestra) "Love is lovelier, the second time around." Enjoy your new life, Pearlie, enjoy it!

Pearl said...

You are such lovely people. I've missed you. :-)

Pearl

Douglas said...

I know nothing! (in my best Sgt. Shultz voice). Trust your instincts and know you have fans and friends out here, all over the country... even the world... who adore you.

Rose L said...

I cannot offer advice as do not know how it feels to divorce, only to become a widow. Just keep your mind and heart open to what will help you, and do not close yourself off. Follow your heart. If you need to stop writing for a while, do it. If you need to weep, do it. If you need to dance in the rain, do it.

Launna said...

Pearl, I'm glad you're back... divorce is stressful but I know you will make it through...it will take time, you will have highs and lows... I'm sad for you but I also know it'll get better (((HUGS)))

River said...

No, you aren't the same. It's impossible to experience these things and remain unchanged. But change is a good thing, you have a new learning curve ahead of you. Hop on and learn new stuff, but don't rush things. Parts of your past have died and you must allow a certain moment or two here and there for grieving over what once was. Eventually, the grieving will become thinking, then things may be thought about as you do new things and move on.

Indigo Roth said...

You are Pearl, and you fucking rock.

The world is shallow and stupid and cruel, but that's for other people.

Get out there and beat it to death with your keyboard. You might not get everything you want right now, but you can sit down at the end of the day and say, "I am Pearl, and I fucking rock."

And one day, it will all be there.

Indigo Roth said...

You are Pearl, and you fucking rock.

The world is shallow and stupid and cruel, but that's for other people.

Get out there and beat it to death with your keyboard. You might not get everything you want right now, but you can sit down at the end of the day and say, "I am Pearl, and I fucking rock."

And one day, it will all be there.

Jess said...

What works for me during times of duress and major change is to always have something to look forward to. Plan a trip. If you can't plan a trip, plan to get together with friends. And keep looking forward to it! Wake up and think, "Two more days and I get to do ____"

Embrace the change. Even if it is hard.

XOX Hugs and shit

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, life is what happens when the screen is not full of words. You are a wonderful writer, and have been missed.
I think we all must take sabbaticals now and then for minor or major events in life--and it's all good. Life itself is a learning experience.... The little distractions in life make us stumble ONLY if we allow them to do so; wisdom suggests 'use them as fodder for the fire' in your writing. You ARE a rare and beautiful writing soul which cannot stop being who you ARE, so revel in it, enjoy it, write it; I know WE do, so GO for it ":)

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Take one day at a time, breathe in and out and remember you are loved, you are liked and you will survive. Some new things happening but that is ok new can be good.

justsomethoughts... said...

i know that change is constant.
and that constant change involves a great deal of not knowing.
and that to the extent that one can embrace this not knowing, it becomes a knowledge that frees one to not know other things.

vanilla said...

No one ever stays the same. But in your case you are getting better and better. Which is good, because that is not the case for everyone.

savannah said...

sweetpea, i love you. xoxoxox

Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma said...

I have been preoccupied with family stuff so am just now catching up on your posts. Indigo is right, you do fucking rock. Also, I see that you have written some very nice pieces since posting this one, so clearly you can do it, at least some of the time. When you just can't, just don't. Trust the moments, be gentle with yourself, let it happen.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Of course you're different! Experiences change us, and some radically change us. But this "you" has a lot of potential. And this stage of your journey is just one part, right?
It's not often your writing crushes me, it's usually more funny, but when you write soul-wrenching, damn if you don't nail it. Honest and gritty and made me ache a little reading this.
From your fan who still loves you, even this new version of you.