I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

What, These Old Things?

I live a rich life.

Take, for example, my queen-sized mattress and box spring.

In fact, you may actually take them, as they are now balanced against the garage.


“What’s this?”

Kurt grins.  “You have to open it.”

I tear at the suspiciously flat gift.  Inside is a bright blue folder.  I grin back.  “You got me homework?” 

Inside the folder, however, are two sheets of paper.   “Please take,” says the first.  “Queen-sized mattress.”  “Please take,” says the second.  “Queen-sized box spring.”

I look from the sheets to him, back to the sheets, back to him.  I narrow my eyes.  “Heeeey, what’s the big deal?”

“You need a new bed,” he says.


And so over the holiday break, we went mattress shopping.  Frankly, if there is anything nicer than a brand new bed, I don’t think my heart could take it.

The old ones have leaned against the couch in my library since then, a stately addition to a room chockfull of books, seating, and, here and there, the forgotten and crumpled paper airplanes from a Christmas party run amok.   They leaned until yesterday, that is, when Kurt helped me move them into the alley, signs attached, to await Tuesday morning’s garbage men.

The library seems so much bigger now.

Tuesday after work, however, I get a text from Willie – my ex and, oddly enough, next-door neighbor.  “Recycling is next week.  Did they take your mattresses?”

I pull on my boots, hat, scarf, mittens, and coat, trudge back to the alley.

And there they are, looking for all the world like things that will, during the course of the week, fall into the paths of cars, causing neighbors to look askance in my direction, perhaps pass judgment on my housekeeping abilities.

I contact Sally, currently renting my garage, to explain the situation.  Can I move them inside, away from prying eyes and passing cars?  Can I leave them there until next Monday night?

Of course, she says.

I pull them into the garage one at a time, straining, heaving.  When did they stop putting handles on mattresses?  I shake a trembling fist in the direction of Big Mattress, no doubt in cahoots with Big Chiro.

Back in the house, I remove the many layers of clothing required to keep my flesh from freezing and throw myself on the couch.

But it won’t leave me be.  It’s not right, is it?  She rents the garage.  It’s her garage.  What if both cars won’t fit now?

Dagnabit.

Sighing, I re-dress, clomp back out, where I pull the heavy, ridiculous things outside once again.  Sweating, grunting in the demure manner of a woman at the end of a day, and, possibly, a rope of some kind, I maneuver them against the garage, lawn-side this time, where they lean, ice cold and, somehow, triumphant.

It is the dead of winter.  I have mattresses in my backyard, pressed against a cinder block garage.

Until Tuesday.


Who has more fun, huh? 

29 comments:

Jono said...

Way back when I lived in that area it was expensive to get rid of mattresses. So I put them out in the alley where anyone could help themselves. They did. Problem solved.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Struth wummin... you've kept your strength up then?! I trust the night goblins will discover it and remove it per request... Meanwhile, enjoy that newbie!!! YAM xx

Nasreen Iqbal said...

That's a well-traveled mattress. When I got a new one, they took away my old one. I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

Delores said...

Check that mattress and box spring once in a while...some homeless person will likely make a shelter out of them and then you'll feel bad hauling them to the curb again. It's so nice that you are back Pearlie Girl.....I've really missed you.

Connie said...

We need to get a new mattress too. I'm hoping to buy it from someone who will deliver it to us and take away the old one at the same time. I also wonder about the lack of handles on the edges. Who decided they should be done away with?? That's a design flaw if I ever heard one.

Diane Tolley said...

Our mattress spent some weeks outside, frozen in like manner. Of course it was because they were bedbug ridden courtesy of our now ex son-in-law. Once back inside, they were gloriously bug free and fresh. I say put a sign on your mattress stating that: Bedbug free and freshened. Who knows what may happen!

Pearl said...

I miss those handles!

So far, they are in good shape. :-) We are expecting freezing drizzle tonight, though, in which case they will stop being in good shape and turn into sodden, unwieldy messes.

Minneapolis has a rather liberal view of garbage haul-away: leave a sign on it, and they'll take it with the recycling. A couple times a year they'll take the big stuff: ovens, fridges, etc. It's either that or some dolt will abandon it somewhere it has no right being, I suppose!

NotesFromAbroad said...

How to meet your new neighbors (Mattress related)
I have one of those fancy beds from one of those overpriced shops in Soho NY.
It is a gorgeous Shaker style bed of beautiful wood .. but .. the slats are also wood and the bed only requires a good mattress, no box spring.
When we moved here, the Bed seemed in good shape .. after being taken apart then put back together by the (lazy ass ) movers.
So the great sad thing happened in my life and I sleep alone in the Bed and as the nights went by, I thought something was not quite right with the Bed.
Long story shorter -
One night day I was making the bed, it seemed very wobbly. I sat down to make a phone call, on the side of the bed and it collapsed. Everything .. down on the floor.
I am so lucky the headboard did not hit me on the head.
I am so lucky the 900 year old lady next door and her 300 year old son came over and put it back together better than ever before and now the cats and I can sleep without fear of falling.
the end.
C

Susan Williams said...

May your new Queen give you nothing but sweet dreams, along with an occasional Bohemian Rhapsody.
May your old Queen benefit from the liberal policy of Minneapolis, and what they will haul away.
May your renter rise up and call you blessed.
Amen.

Eileen B said...

Dragging a queen mattress and her companion around while wearing multi layers of clothing could be a new workout routine. Maybe not as limbering as yoga but much more cardio. You need to treat yourself to something chocolate to put back a few of those calories. In this weather we need all the insulation we can get.

So glad you're back!

sage said...

In my experience of living in the north woods, anything that was put outside against the house early in the winter disappeared until late March... Down here, you set it out the day before recycling and if it has any value--like maybe 50 cent worth--someone picks it up before the county truck comes by. I have an 18 year old recliner going out this Friday, if you're in the market!

jenny_o said...

That's a pretty good calorie burn for one day!

How about putting those suckers back in the garage before the drizzle comes - waterlogged fabric weighs a TON - and then put them out for collection a day or two early, with a "FREE" sign on? - then just change the sign if they're not taken by garbage day.

Should Fish More said...

See? Your mojo is still there, along with your bed sets.

fishducky said...

Isn't there a Home For Retired Mattresses?

joeh said...

Big Mattress got rid of the handles? I demand an investigation!

Geo. said...

Should be no problem with collection. Humans have been discarding beds for thousands of years. I believe 1/5th of Earth's mass is now old mattresses.

Elephant's Child said...

We get no pickups of big items like that. I like jenny_o's suggestion though. I suspect it would work too.

joeh said...

Pearl, I think you are great and are glad you are back!

BTW, pay no attention to that old man with the goatee, bald head, pony tail and binoculars across the street. It isn't me.

Linda O'Connell said...

The mattress is another matter, but Willy lives next door?! Who's the stalker? We gifted our queenie with a three inch memory foam,and we thought we died and went to heaven. The Salvation Army still picks up old mattresses here. You could build muscles wrestling queenie back and forth. Be careful.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

A video of moving the mattress about in the yard would have been a nice addition to this post.

Sweet dreams in your new queen size bed.

Joanne Noragon said...

There is nothing nicer than a brand new bed. You will have it long after the old mattresses are gone.

Gigi said...

Same question as Linda...Willie's next door?

We just bought a new mattress about a year ago...and damned if that damn thing doesn't already have a divot in it AND has no handles AND can't be flipped and rotated like we could back in the day to get even wear...they just don't make things like they used to.

Jocelyn said...

You could make a fortune packaging this as the next trendy workout, you know. Forget PX90. We got Pearl's Mattress Drag for three easy payments of $29.99!!

Rose L said...

I woulda left them in the garage! It's only till Tuesday and she said okay!!!!

River said...

Here in Adelaide I could probably walk up to the nearest group of park/alley dwellers and ask who needs a mattress and I'd get a half dozen volunteers to come and take it away.

Cheryl said...

If I had to choose only one blog to read, if would be yours, Pearl, and all your friends. We may be out in cyber space, but we're here for you!
So glad you are wanting to share your bed with us. Now, move over!

Sioux said...

Pearl--(I'm catching up and responding to your previous post as well)'

Are you the same? Perhaps not. Perhaps you're a stronger, fiercer Pearl. But always entertaining and insightful...

I hope the new man is good to you. You deserve it.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

What you need is a country friend who annually hosts a giant bonfire. That's how we got rid of our last mattress...

Pat said...

Matttresses are evil. They ruin nails.