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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

If You Look at it Sideways, It’s a Diet

I’m on a new diet.

It’s called “There’s leftover food in the break room!” 

All the kids are doing it.

Left wallet-battered and now the proud owner of plumbing that works and shiny fixtures extolling my dedication to beauty and cleanliness, I’ve turned a cynical eye toward my expenses.

In other words, I am broke until payday. 

And this is how I came to eat a sandwich I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen had I paid for it, a bag of gratis chips, and two freakishly large cookies on Tuesday.

How could the execs not have wanted these cookies?  Huddled at my desk, cheeks bulging, eyes furtively glancing right, left, right, left, I give myself a pat on the back.

Saved a couple bucks there.

Fast-forward to Tuesday night, when I discover both tuna and Tuna Helper in my pantry.  Heaven help us, who bought this, and why do they hate me?  What could I have possibly done...

But that’s the price you pay when you want a flushing toilet and dripless spigots.

It’s at this point I’d like to say that I have been pleasantly surprised, that Tuna Helper is rather tasty.

But that would be lying.  It’s dreadful. 

Luckily, there are only two more big bowls of it to eat before I can move on to fried potatoes.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not complaining, not really.  After all, I paid cash for them thar plumbin’s.

And with Tuna Helper as leftovers, I won’t be tempted to raid the fridge later this evening. 

See? 


Diet. 

23 comments:

vanilla said...

The Barely-Edible-Pantry-Stock diet. Genius!

Vinny C said...

I've often done the "I-can't-afford-to-eat-until-payday" diet too. Every once in a while, though, I do the "I'm-sick-&-can't-keep-anything-down" diet , just to change it up.

Nasreen Iqbal said...

That's a great idea. If I buy horrible, horrible food, I won't be tempted to eat so much.

Tell me how that goes.

Pearl said...

So far, there has been free coffee and free CHEESE in the break room.

Hey. It's Minnesota. The chances of free cheese were pretty good.

And Vinny? That can't-keep-anything-down diet sucks. I hope you're not as sick as that may suggest...

joeh said...

Who among us has not raided the conference room after the big wigs were done? I have lost three pounds on the root canal diet recently.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Ah yes, the 'dahl-roti' Minny-snowta style... At least you are getting some nutrition. What kind? Let's not be too picky eh? After all, you can wash it all away in style now. YAM xx

Jono said...

Don't forget Ramen. Hot sauce makes things taste like more, too.

jenny_o said...

It's true. But brutal.

Delores said...

With all that fridge avoidance there will be a newer, trimmer Pearl come February
Probably cranky too..

fishducky said...

It's easy to lose weight on the "Only buy food that makes you barf diet"!!

Elephant's Child said...

I am pretty certain that even that diet would not make the pounds and stone leave me. They stick very, very tightly.
Hooray for shiny plumbing though.

Catalyst said...

I wouldn't even think about the things I used to do when I was too broke to make it to payday and also eat. You might be a mind reader. Eyes left, eyes right, eyes left, eyes right . . .

Gigi said...

Flushing toilets, dripless spigots AND you lose weight? I'd call that a win.

Lisleman said...

Your post brought back a strange memory (your blog might do that to many readers). Back when I was a dumb kid (smartass adult now you know) I actually ate popcorn that spilled on the deck around the public pool. Lucky I didn't die from ingesting suntan lotion.

Carla Storley said...

I hope you got the golf ball toilet.

River said...

The last time I ate leftover break room food I got a week long bout of gastro that landed me in hospital on a fluid drip for a day. In the five years since I haven't touched anything but my own food.
I love the thought of shiny new plumbing.

Connie said...

Shiny, new plumbing is a wonderful thing. Good luck with the leftover Tuna Helper--ugh. I'm not a fan of tuna, helped or not. :\ Your break room food, on the other hand, sounds pretty tasty. :)

Watson said...

Free Coffee AND Free Cheese! What more could you desire!
(Hope payday comes soon)

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

When my girls are broke and need food they shop at the house of mum, my sister also like to shop at the house of mum

Rose L said...

Costco has free samples in their aisles!!!

www.stilusessaywriting.com said...

Yeah that's a drama for me, that diet. I'm on a diet now, too and actually I'm always angry monster that really wants to kill everyone in this world.

Douglas said...

I, too, was once poor... back in the day (late 60's), I could shop for groceries on $10 per week. Ate a lot of cheap (not lean) hamburger mixed with gravy and some peas or carrots or string beans. I'd also make bowls of tuna salad which would last a few days in the fridge:
http://boomer-musings.blogspot.com/2009/06/tuna-salad.html
Just freshen it, before eating, with some Miracle Whip or the store-brand version (cheaper) before eating.

sage said...

You always find a bright side. I remember a few meals of tuna and tuna helper when I was way out in the wilderness--it was my one chance for meat and it was pretty darn good but I haven't had it at home.