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Friday, May 1, 2015

Cat for Hire; or Did You Hear the New Guy in Accounting Brought a Disemboweled Mouse for Lunch?

It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

In case you’ve forgotten, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a small, symmetrically-striped puss, a cat I often find reaching a clever paw toward my dinner plate. At five pounds, Liza Bean is a bird/mouse/bug killer of the first water, the kind of cat that makes you think of cats "They're both attractive and efficient" and "Much bigger than she is and she'd have to be registered as a weapon".

Liza Bean is one of those neat, tidy cats, a cat who remembers when cats were gods and yet has come to terms with her fall in status.

Liza Bean's been on my computer lately. I can always tell when she has by the water bowl near the keyboard, the catnip laid out in neat little lines.

It appears that the cat is looking for a job.

I must say, her resume is impressive.

I've cut-and-pasted it here for your pleasure:

Liza Bean Bitey
PO Box 114
Minneapolis MN 55413
Contact: whyioughta2@gmail.com

Summary of Qualifications:

  • Drove a taxi in college -- highly familiar with area roads.
  • Worked as an unlicensed plumber from '04 to '05. Have been cleared of all charges related to the Margarita-hot-tub incident.
  • Short order cook in the late 90s. Ask me about my Potatoes a la Schultz!
  • Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
  • Positively motivated cat with an affinity for playful poses, chasing things straight up a wall, and tugging at your earrings in the middle of the night.
  • Experienced in pest removal (up to and including unwanted guests, those of the bug persuasion, and irritating family members).
  • Excellent claw-eye coordination.
  • Dependable, flexible, and able to maintain a sense of humor under pressure.

I am looking forward to this new phase in her life.  She’s been “sleeping in” for all eight of her years, and she’s yet to offer to vacuum or lift the business end of a snow shovel.

It’s time she contributed.

After all, there's no call in adding things to the grocery list if you're not going to chip in for them. "The good shrimp" my Aunt Fanny!


vanilla said...

I do hope she finds something, perhaps in the catmercial tv line.

Anonymous said...

I'll hire her as a live in companion...the one I've got (the hubs) is getting on my last nerve. The pay is not so great but I guarantee the good shrimp and the best tuna as a regular thing and I'll have a copy of the car keys made for her.

jenny_o said...

OMG Delores, think twice about that offer! I might hire her for her claw-eye coordination (my eyes are getting dim and it's hard to thread the ol' sewing needle) but I don't trust feline cooks and it sounds like the plumbers' union is in no rush to have her become a member, so I'm wary. Keys to the car? Never!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Good for her; seems she understands the new play of things and that any kind of shrimp is going to be hard to come by for a while... (but wait..who's she quoting as referee/s???) YAM xx

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Heeheehee! Oh, Liza Bean. You amuse me so.

Catalyst said...

You sleep in your earrings?

ThreeOldKeys said...

I'm wondering ... does a feline short order cook have to wear a hairnet, and how does that work?

Watson said...

Lisa Bean, are you a good dog sitter?
I could use a more playful companion.
Watson the pup

Sioux said...

Tell her, "No cream and no people-quality tuna if you don't bring in a paycheck."

Or, could she write her biography? I'm sure that would be a best-seller.

Diane Tolley said...

Hmm . . . I do remember that she also has a penchant for bringing the car back with a full gas tank. This is definitely a resume worth looking into. Does she have references?

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Maybe a job as a mouse police officer would suit her or maybe bird control officer just a thought

Daisy said...

Hey, her resume is quite impressive. Someone will snatch her up in no time!