I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, March 6, 2015

Mary and Pearl Go To Florida; or Why Yes, I Do Drink ‘Em Eight at a Time. Why Do You Ask?

Hey!  There you are!  Today’s story is a continuation of yesterday’s, wherein I find myself pressured to play pool, which was a continuation of the story the day before where Mary makes a friend.

You can also ready about our adventures at airline security here and here.

Because what says “trip to Florida” more than security hassles and bar friends?


Peter Frampton’s doppelganger has fallen on hard times.

It doesn’t seem to have affected his ability to slam a beer, however; and Mary and our new friend Ken watch bemusedly as the scrawny man holds up a proprietary finger.

“I’ll take another, Arlene, and how about a –“  He turns to me.  “You want a drink?  I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Gin and tonic,” I say.  “Extra limes, please.”

“AWWWWW!” Mary moans.  I turn around to see a woman in a college sweatshirt lose her turn on the wheel.

“You’re taking that Wheel of Fortune thing kinda seriously over there,” I call out.

“I am a simple woman.  I have simple pleasures,” she says.

There is the sound of quarters being slammed, the sound of balls dropping.

Mr. Frampton sets the rack on the table.

“Hey,” I say.  “Would you mind if I rack ‘em and you break?  It’s been years since I’ve played, and I don’t want to start this game with a lousy break.”

“You’ll do fine,” he says, reaching down for the balls.

“I’m serious,” I say.  “I was never much of a breaker, and it’s been so long.”

He shakes his head.  “Nope,” he says.  “I like to rack ‘em.”

I take a deep breath.

Arlene brings our drinks.  “Thank you,” I say.

I notice that Peter doesn’t tip.

I select a stick, roll it around at the unoccupied end of the table.  I find a straight one on the third attempt and chalk it.

I turn around.  Mary has turned at the same time.  She raises one eyebrow.  I curl my lip at her.  She goes back to Ken and the Wheel of Fortune.

“OK,” I say.  I bend over the table, concentrate on the bright yellow ball at the head of the triangle – only to feel Mr. Frampton creep up behind me.

I whirl on him.  “So now you want to break?”

He gives me an oily smile.  “No, no,” he says.

“Then get away from me,” I say, smiling.  I bend over the table again, pull the cue back –

In the history of breaks, they will speak of this one.  Rarely does one witness such slop, such disregard for the beauty and grace that is the game of billiards.

The edges of the racked triangle roll anemically just inches from their original positions. 

The core remains unmoved.

Not a single ball goes in. 

I turn, humiliated.    “I haven’t played in years,” I apologize.

“Can’t win ‘em all,” offers Ken.

“Or even some,” Mary winks.

“Why you little…” I threaten.

“Why I oughta…” Mary returns.

Mr. Frampton has been waiting for me.  “Go ahead,” I say. 

“I wanted you to watch,” he says.

And that’s when it happened.

Ball after ball after ball, I watch as the man who had begged me to play pool, who promised a friendly game, ran the table. 

Following the “break” – and there’s no other way to remember it than with quotation marks – I didn’t play again.

“Eight ball,” he says – is that a smug tone? – “corner pocket”. 

And it was over.

He reaches for a hug.  “Good game.”

I push away.  “What was the point of that?  Seriously.  I’m having a good time with my friend, I tell you ‘no, I don’t want to play’ how many times, you beg me to play, tell me it’ll be a friendly game, and then you run the table?  What is that?”

“Do you want to play again?”

I am incredulous.  “What?!” 

I turn to Mary, who is now standing next to me.  “Dude,” she says.  “Not cool.”

He grins.  “Let’s play again.  No showboating.  A nice friendly game.”

“Forget it,” I say.  “We’re done here.”

“But –“

Mary puts a hand on my back, guides me to the bar.  “You heard her, buddy.  Nothing personal, but time to take a hike.”

“Well can I at least –“

Mary and I say it together:  “NO.”

“This guy bothering you ladies?”  Ken, Korean War Vet, drinker of Windsor Cokes, rises.  He looks happy.  He looks like he’s thinking of cracking his knuckles. 

“Not anymore he ain’t,” Mary says.  She turns to him.  “You was just about to leave, wudden ya?”

Peter Frampton’s double returns to his end of the bar.

And a gin and tonic, extra limes, appears.

“From Lance,” Arlene says.  Lance, AKA Peter Frampton, raises his beer at me.

“Lance,” I say, “thank you, but don’t buy me any drinks, okay?”

Lance, however, doesn’t take direction well, and in the next hour, five G&Ts line up in front of me.

Mary signals Arlene over, slips her a ten.  “Arlene, honey, if he’s gonna keep buying her drinks she’s not going to drink, can you make ‘em Windsor Cokes?” 

“Sure can,” she says. 

Mary leans over, wraps an arm around me.  She hasn’t had a drink in five years, but the arm around my shoulder remembers those days fondly.  “Who really won that game, huh?  Free drinks for Ken!”  Mary chuckles, squeezes me tighter. 


“Ya still got it, Pearl.  Ya still got it.”

19 comments:

joeh said...

So...it's not a good idea to run the table? That isn't a turn on?

"DOH!"

Shelly said...

Ugh. Guys like that...Ken and Mary are a good twosome to have in your corner.

vanilla said...

I'm so confused. I guess maybe G & Ts do that; or is it the limes?

jenny_o said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jenny_o said...

Feel some pity for the Lances of this world. All he had in his repertoire to impress a pretty lady was his ability to clear the billiard table. That was his one chance with you. He surely needs some new approaches in his bag of tricks. Like sincerity. Or respect. Or not showing off.

What a great week of stories, with a hugely satisfying ending!

Marty Damon said...

Keep 'em coming, Pearl.

Jacquelineand.... said...

You've reminded me why I hate bars, thank you for that. It completely crushed any incipient urges to visit one again.

Daisy said...

Lance is such a loser. Free drinks for Ken-hahahahaha! I loved that part. :-)

Elephant's Child said...

I hope Arlene includes a generous tip for herself in Lance's bar bill.

Jono said...

There was this old friend who used to hustle me at pool. At least she let me take a few shots and then she'd ply me with liquor. I was putty.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I am picturing Lance in my mind, eeew!

Hopefully you found a better bar after this.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Awwwwwww you won... hugs from Mary, free drinks for the potential White Kenight and an idiot to people your story with!!! Happy weekend Pearl. YAM xx

Gigi said...

What was his purpose? Running the table is on a lady is a no no.

Silliyak said...

"Beat me daddy, eight to the bar"?

sage said...

How many drinks? I feel a headache coming on.

jeanie said...

Well, at least he "let" you break...

He impressed himself, that is the main thing...

River said...

He crept up behind you? That's just creepy! I thought after that you might 'accidentally' cue him in the gut.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Maybe Lance works for the TSA and heard about you and Mary from the Mpls crew? He just had to find another way to "intimidate" you out of uniform. If you go through the Humphrey terminal, they are nearly friendly to you as you go through security. They even let me keep my shoes on.....guess I just don't look like a terrorist. I hope you got to spend a little time on a beach while you were in Florida.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

Shoot! I thought YOU were gonna run the table.