I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Mary and Pearl Go to Florida; or First, Let’s See if They Make it Through Security

If there’s anything better than a ride to the airport – one that is accompanied by a delicious and utterly free coffee drink – then I don’t know what it is.

Electric socks in the winter, perhaps.  Or a personal hair-brusher on someone else’s dime. 

I don’t know – I’m just speculating.

Nevertheless, it is early Friday morning and I am doing some light shoveling when Nancy and Mary pull up to the door.  Nancy, a delightfully energetic soul, has volunteered to drive us to the airport. 

“Ready for Florida?”

Am I ready?  I haven’t been able to feel my toes since early October.  Lead on, my good woman!

Nancy is exuberant.  “I wish I was going with you!  It’s going to be so much fun!”  Mary leans over from the passenger seat, grins at me in the rear view mirror. 

“I hear,” she says, “that there are people in the South who are not wearing long underwear.”

“I’m not sure I believe that,” I say. 

And in less than 20 minutes we are hoisting our bags out of Nancy’s trunk.  There are hugs all around, and in no time Mary and I find ourselves in line at Security.

Mary has probably flown twice, perhaps in her lifetime, and I fill her in as we go: 3.1 ounces of liquid, plastic bags, taking our shoes off.

“Are they serious?” she says.  “How often do they clean the floor around here, and with what?”

I shrug.  “I have a friend who has a friend who caught hoof-and-mouth disease in First Class a few years ago.”

She laughs.  “I don’t know how I feel about hooves,” she says, “But you know I’ve always wanted a tail, right?”

I do indeed.  We both do, although for different reasons:  Mary wants to show the world how happy she is – I just want to make a killing as a stripper with a tail.

At the head of the line, the TSA agent is ready for us.  He has been listening for a while, it appears.  I smile at him and hand him my boarding pass, my ID.  He takes this opportunity to level a pudgy, blunt index finger at me. 

“Don’t think you’re going to be making any jokes about bombs,” he says.  “We’ll take you out of line.”

I turn to look at Mary, who frowns at me. 

I turn back.  “What?” I say.  “What are you talking about?”

“We don’t take bomb threats lightly,” he says. 

“Good thing no one mentioned anything about that,” I say.

“Well just remember that,” he says. 


How did he know we would be trouble?  How was I to know what Mary had up her sleeves – or, more importantly, in her suitcase?


I guess you’ll have to come back tomorrow!

21 comments:

vanilla said...

Eeek! and security has mind-readers now?

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Oh Mary, Mary - did you pack a full-size tube of Colgate?

Delores said...

You're going to be warm...I'm so jealous.

Ray Denzel said...

now I have a new assignment, looking for a stripper with a tail. My work is never done!

joeh said...

I need to check your local papers, I smell a Stupid Headline in the making.

Shelly said...

I have a feeling you two brightened the TSA guy's day.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Uh oh, compulsory blog-reading alert... YAM xx

The Jules said...

Verbal bomb threats? That's a bit passé. The terrorist-about-town Tweets it nowadays.

jenny_o said...

Ah, but how can there be any fun without pushing the boundaries, eh?

And this wouldn't have anything to do with that headache you carried around all last week, would it? They wouldn't let you hydrate in detention, right?

Joanne Noragon said...

I such a meek mouse airline passenger, rule compliant. May I come with you next time.

fishducky said...

Years ago, we were returning to the US after a trip abroad. I had something heavy--I cab't remember what it was. When customs asked me about it, I told them, as a joke, it was my rock collection. Customs has NO sense of humor!!

ThreeOldKeys said...

hmmmm ... in the carry-on bag ... what could it be ... rock, paper, scissors ... lizard, spock?

Geo. said...

So, are you saying most people don't have tails? I feel kind of special now.

Elephant's Child said...

Mistress of the cliff-hanger. And if I had a tail, it would be lashing impatiently now...

Gigi said...

I have a feeling when you two are together you just exude a certain vibe.

sage said...

Your a teaser! But great writing and I'll be back.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

I hear it's freezing cold in Florida now. Maybe you should have come to Arizona.

Rose L said...

I am surprised you did not give an off-the-cuff response to him. Where was the Pearl wit?
"Oh, I dropped my bomb last night at the bar comedy night."
"I am leaving town before the bomb downtown goes off."
"The burrito I ate earlier may cause me to explode."
"I am a member of B.O.M.B--Be Our Most Best."
Come on, Pearl!!!!

Linda O'Connell said...

Trained spotter and eavesdropper probably had a security detail assigned to you two at all times. You are on the watch list, funny girl. Hope you had a blast.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I have never heard a TSA agent speak. They usually just stare and grunt. Did you wink at him, Pearl?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Yes I will be back tomorrow because you just like to leave us hanging don't ya