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Monday, March 16, 2015

Good-Bye Joe, Me Gotta Go, Me Oh My Oh

Liza Bean Bitey – of the Minneapolis Biteys – a delightfully small-pawed cat with a penchant for umbrella-ed drinks; tiny dollops of cream presented on garage-sale china saucers; and BBC World News, is looking for a job.

And while the rest of the Midwest struggles to fill its job-interview dance cards, the cat’s resume seems to have piqued the interest of the Human Resources business community.

My phone’s been ringing off the hook.

“Good morning, this is Pearl.”

“May I speak with Pearl?”


“Ah, yes. You’ve been listed as a reference for a Miss Liza Bean Bitey –“

“ – of the Minneapolis Biteys,” I interject.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Proceed.”

“As I say,” she continues, her lips audibly pursing, “you’ve been listed as a reference for a Liza Bean Bitey. Can we talk about her qualifications for the position of Media Relations Specialist?”

Media Relations?

“Of course,” I say. I find it best to play along when faced with the ridiculous.

“One of the things we are looking for in a Media Relations Specialist is the ability to present reality in its best possible light. The position for which Liza Bean has applied would include on-camera work. In your experience, does Liza Bean have the ability to give the impression of truthfulness and/or sincerity?”

I reflect back on this morning. Liza Bean was sitting on the table, licking her whiskers thoughtfully, when I came into the kitchen for my lunch. Packed the night before in contemplation of the fog that often goes along with any day that starts at 5:30, I recall wondering, dimly, what she was doing up so early. I ran down the front steps, lunch bag bouncing against my yoga bag, the last thing I heard as I locked the front door was her voice, singing: “Son of a gun we’re gonna have big fun on the bayou…”
It wasn’t until I was on the bus that I realized the full implications of the song, and I knew what I would find before I opened the bag.

My jambalaya had been replaced with Meow Mix.

Liza Bean Bitey has always enjoyed my jambalaya.

“Liza Bean is the very face of sincerity,” I say, meaningfully. “She is a political animal, and you would be hard-pressed to find a cat who exudes more charm.”

“Very nice, very nice…” the woman at the other end of the line is writing this down.

The questions went on: Did Liza Bean Bitey have any compunction against bending the truth when required? Had she ever done any time in a federal penitentiary? Was I aware of any black marks on her record that would restrict her travel, outside of her inability, as noted on her resume, to work within Bratislava?

Coming out of my mouth, no words could be sweeter than those describing Liza Bean. Perfect for the Marketing and Public Relations world, to hear me tell it, no cat is more sincere, sharper, believable, or photogenic than the very cat applying for the job.

By the end of the interview, the woman on the other end and I were fast friends, and she thanked me for my time, enthusiastic about the chance to personally interview Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

That cat wants a job? She’s gonna get one.

That’ll teach her to steal my lunch.


vanilla said...

Sweet, sweet retribution.

jenny_o said...

And once Liza Bean has joined the ranks of the employed, she'll be able to afford "the good shrimp" herself :)

Eileen B said...

Cats are one of the few creatures who are very good at stretching the truth.

Anonymous said...

A cat can look you in the eye and make you believe they are totally innocent of using your favourite plant as in indoor toilet.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Well you convinced me Pearl... eeerrrmmmm,,, maybe you could make a career change??? YAM xx

Geo. said...

An elegant solution to a growing problem. Too much of the world's jambalaya has been replaced with Meow Mix lately.

Timothy Hecht said...

I have a job. Right now, I mean. Tomorrow, who knows?

I've been laid off 4 times in the "Obama Recovery".

I have a job today.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I can hear the photographer now:

Show me your whole range, Liza ... I want to see Boredom. Reproach! Mild interest? Annoyance! Disdain! Work those ears, Liza, flick that tail. Well no, I said FLick not lick ... okay let's take five.

Jono said...

Will she be able to keep you in the style to which you are accustomed?

Shelly said...

I have a feeling she's going to somehow become very famous at this job, not in the way you or I would become famous in a job, but like Kim Kardashian might. Please keep us posted~

Elephant's Child said...

You might think that you have outsmarted Liza B. I suspect you will learn differently. Hopefully in a relatively painless way.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Somehow I suspect you'll be missing more than jambalaya soon...

Catalyst said...

Cat got style.

River said...

All the commenters above have left me nothing to say, they've said it all.

the walking man said...

AWW don't be too hard on Liza Bean Bitery OTMBP's she is preparing you for fixed income retirement. did you use a fork on the cat food or just eat it with your finger straight out of the can?

NotesFromAbroad said...

Will they pay her in tuna ?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Watch her be bloody great at the job