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Monday, March 23, 2015

And For the Finale, I'll Be Dropping a Television into the Bath Tub

When I woke up this morning, my front door was frozen shut.

After being teased with reasonably spring-like temperatures, the disappearance of 99.9% of Minneapolis’s snow, and the optimistic, somewhat risqué appearance of both my spring jacket and cap, Minnesota has again been blasted back into winter.

Hence the frozen-shut front door.

So after giving up on the front door, going back upstairs, down the back steps, to the bus (which actually skidded when it stopped for me), and arriving at work, I do what all right-thinking people do when faced with obstacles.

I call to complain to Mary.

“Mary!” I shout.

“Hallo,” she says, mildly.

Her early-morning mildness affects me not.

“I’ve had it! We were promised a spring, dammit! And you know what? We’re not getting one! No green lawns, no hot tar, no inappropriately dressed teen-agers! We’ve skipped all of it and we’re heading straight toward winter again!”

“It’s like Thanksgiving out there,” she interjects, almost audibly nodding. “Frankly, I’m thinking of making a turkey.”

Visions of turkey gravy slide effortlessly over the inches of snow that have deposited over night. “Are you really?”

“No,” she says.

“Why you little…”

“Why I oughta…” she counters.

There is silence.

“Really,” I fret. “I can’t take this anymore. Would it be wrong to leap out a window or something?”

There is a silence while she considers my cry for help. “Could we have a party?”

A party. It’s always a party with this one.

“What, so people can watch me hurl my pale, freckled body off the second-floor porch?”

“Well, when you put it that way…” she pauses. “Yes. Basically, yes.”

“Hmm,” I ponder. “Maybe I’m not the only feeling this way...”

“We need a party!” Mary is working herself up. “A theme party!”

“Can I have a I’m Going to End It All If Spring Doesn’t Come Soon Party?”

“Yes!” There is the sound of clapping hands.

“Can I make it BYOR?”

“BYO –“

“Bring Your Own Rope.”

She pauses so as to give it thought. “I don’t think that would be too tacky, do you?”

“Not at all!” I’m warming to this. “I’m going to serve plastic bags –“

“ -- not to be used as toys,” she interjects, audibly nodding.

“Right. And we’ll serve contra-indicated medications – “

“Antibiotics and The Pill!”

Now I am nodding, audibly. “And host ill-advised competitions!”

“Oooooh! Operating heavy machinery on a double dose of the good cough syrup?”

“We’re talkin’ codeine, baby!”

Now we are both nodding. “This is coming along nicely,” I say.

I feel better, suddenly. “I like it when we talk.”

“Me, too,” she says.

There is a short-lived silence.

“Are you sure you won’t make a turkey?” I say.

“Yes,” she says. “I’m sure.”


Shelly said...

What is proper attire for a party like this? Beachwear? Capris with a sleeveless top? Or the full on winter coat, natural fibered hat and gloves? And gosh, now I'm thinking about turkey.

joeh said...

You could deep fry a turkey indoors...with propane fuel.

That would go with your theme.

Or maybe wait a few weeks and celebrate for real. Spring is coming. For you and Mary, it better be soon!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Audible nodding. Good gawd, your neck done froze too!!!

It is coming though Pearl (and by default I include Mary). Promise. Cross my heart. ...how about a read of this, just to bring on the 'oh, we forgot the knock'em out when on the toot' scenario... Only offering. YAM xx

Anonymous said...

Sigh. After the coldest February in 115 years, looks like March is going to be the same. It's been snowing, it's been -15 (ok, celcius, but still) in the mornings and I just can't DO this anymore. When's the party?

Al Penwasser said...

Wait. You CAN'T use plastic bags as toys?
I'll be right back.
Gotta go to the Returns desk at Toys R Us.

Anonymous said...

Come on over...I've got a turkey in the freezer I'm just itching to put in the oven. You're right....we need a party.

Launna said...

Oh Pearl... thank you for making me laugh... I'm in Nova Scotia and we are about to lose it here... we were snowed in 2 days last week... we too were wondering if Spring will ever be here... I want see bare pavement and not be wearing boots and a big coat... may I crash your party ? SIGH.... :-(

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Only you and Mary could "nod audibly" and make it work, Pearl. :)

ThreeOldKeys said...

sounds like an excellent party ... for entertainment, you could have a bucket-kicking competition.

jenny_o said...

A party? I'm nodding so audibly I'm getting warm for the first time in days. Bring it on!

Indigo Roth said...

*taps keyboard* Hello? *tap tap* it this thing working?

jenny_o said...

Indigo! Where've you been? C'mon in, set yerself awhile :)

Joanne Noragon said...

A party indeed is in order.

Should Fish More said...

In 'Fear and Loathing...' Hunter Thompson has a bit about his lawyer being in the bathtub and asking him to toss a tape recorder in when Grace Slick reaches a crescendo on 'White Rabbit'....

Elephant's Child said...

I don't do parties, but my audible nodding about this one has me wondering whether it is a rule I should break...

vanilla said...

Any excuse for a party? Seems a bit extreme. But then, so is your weather.

Eileen B said...

I need to talk to Mary. Or, I need her to talk me off the window ledge and help me plan a party.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I'm with Eileen B .. I need some Mary. I am not on a window ledge but I have been contemplating not getting up in the mornings.
Why should I ? the kitten can figure out the can opener .. she has her own litter box .. I need nuthin .. some warm sun might be nice..otherwise, I give up.

Lin said...

My crocus bloomed on Saturday....and they are under 4 inches of snow today. I am NOT in a partying mood. :(

Catalyst said...

Oh there's nothing like a party in the cold and frozen country.

Geo. said...

I love this post, Pearl. It has a cadence, the rhythm of a brave song.

River said...

A party seems like a great idea. Give Winter the send-off she needs. This was/is hilarious.

Dr Max Tunguska said...

I'll be in the corner getting off my head on herbal sleep remedies

Rose Blackthorn said...

Spring is late here also.

I don't mind about the turkey. Can we have ham instead?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

A party how exciting I like parties, but it is a bit far for me to go although I do have my own robe..........

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Damn damn damn I was only half finished writing and I hit the wrong key and the comment went bugga anyway I was saying I have my own robe but hang on you said rope not robe although neither really makes much sense

Chicken said...

Do we have a date? A venue? I'll bring an elephant. We'll all talk about it. While operating heavy machinery on codeine, just as you jump off the the second floor railing, somersaulting in mid-air and landing in a pool of turkeys. It will be fabulous.

Shoshanah Lee Marohn said...

Honest to god, I just bought some turkey to cook, before I read this. And I'm having a party. I'm audibly nodding.