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Thursday, February 5, 2015

You There! With the Shiny Eyes!

We here at Acme Napkins and Grommets believe in keeping in touch, whether you like it or not.

Got something to say? NOT got something to say? It’s all the same to us, because here at Acme Napkins and Grommets, it’s not about getting things done so much as it is cultivating the appearance of getting things done.

Except for you, of course. Or me. You and I, we have things to do.

You know where your big mistake was, don’t you?

Yep. It was the day you did your work and asked for more. It was in the way you said, “I don’t know, but let me find out”. It was when you consistently met your goals and did so while maintaining that gleam in your eye and that smile on your lips. Yes, as drunk as you appeared to be, you with your shiny eyes and your attention to the smallest detail, your performance was top rate, causing you to be handed larger and more complex projects.

You’d think you’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?

That’s the problem right there. You continue to work at a respectable speed, continue to be held responsible for outcomes, continue to put your best foot forward while stifling the urge to test the tensile strength of the 44th floor windows with your ergonomic chair.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you make us punish you?

Facilities, of course, is against the hurling of office furniture. Trust me on this one. And frankly, who wants to be the “scary” one at work?

Well, actually, you might. You’ll have to trust me on this one as well. There’s nothing like a well flung in/out basket to get someone’s attention. Like the subtle pounding of a forehead on a paper-strewn surface – which no doubt prefaced the flinging of the in/out basket – it says “I’m quite stressed out, yet I remain relatively harmless. Please get me a margarita.”

Well, that’s what I think it says, anyway.

And I always reflect upon this at my next job.

Bruised forehead and scattered in/out box aside, the weekend is almost here; and just in time. There are floors to vacuum, glasses to rim with salt, kitties accompanying one to the bathroom for reasons known only to them.

Just remember:  we've done it to ourselves.  

17 comments:

joeh said...

Never do too much and make every one else look bad!

Delores said...

It's just that we have this uncomfortable habit of wanting to pay our rent and buy groceries and kitty treats. If it wasn't for that we'd toss the chair for sure.

Indigo Roth said...

Pffft, you suck at being awful x

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh I remember those days... I envy your ability to bring it all tumbling back like it were yesterday... Oh - but it was for you of course. Sorry Pearl. Hope the weekend, salted and furred, helps ease that strain!!! YAM xx

Shelly said...

Weekends are always the saving grace. Perhaps you'll encounter another wise, sassy grackle. And Chabon has a new fan in me.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Oh, it's true, it's true! The better you perform, the more work you get! We here at the Ohio Division of Acme Grommets and Napkins were just discussing this the other day.

vanilla said...

If you continue to perform at that level of efficiency at AN&G, barring a chair through the window, you will ultimately find you have risen to your "level of incompetency" as Peter put it and you will be in charge.

jenny_o said...

No job well done goes unpunished. Or something to that effect. Were they not tipped off by the smoke coming out of your ears?

Jono said...

I advise all newcomers against being ambitious. All that hard work, making everyone else look bad and what does it get you? Sorry, they can't afford to give any raises again this year. The best you can ever hope for is a guaranteed no salary cut. And you'll be happy about it!

Elephant's Child said...

In some of my work places chair-tossing was fast becoming the sport of the day...

Gigi said...

Ahhh, the curse of being diligent and responsible.

Linda O'Connell said...

Ah, give me a rimmed glass. I am tired of the kitty trotting to the bathroom with me, kids calling my name and daily demands. Hurry Friday. Heck, hurry summer.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Why are office chairs erogonomic these days? To reduce workplace hurling injuries. And please lift with your knees.

chickensconsigliere said...

Have you noticed how it seems like it is reasonable to have a bottle in one's desk only if one works for a newspaper? Why is that? Or is it just me?

River said...

I gave my job too much of myself, right up to the point of no return, then I quit. It was a stand-up job, no chairs to be tossing anywhere.

sage said...

Have I got a job for you :)

Daisy said...

My mom used to say that a willing horse will always be ridden. Of course, an unwilling horse will probably be made into glue, so that's not the best way to go either, I guess. :D Have a great weekend, Pearl!