I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, February 27, 2015

Wherein My Body has a Good Talk with my Brain

My body has had quite a lot to say recently.

It started talking last Thursday, when I developed the headache that I now carry with me at all times.  Oddly enough, this headache, while making me squint and periodically push my fingers into my eye sockets until  colors explode with black and red abandon, has not put me in a particularly bad mood. 

“I’m the same way,” my sister says.  “Why let pain get in the way of a good time?”

Still, I’ve been subconsciously reaching for my temples for days.

“Kinda expect to find a vise there, don’t you?”  This from my body. 

“Yes,” I admit.  “I reach up, expecting to find a bolt, a set of calipers perhaps.  And yet, I find nothing.  I don’t know what’s going on. ”

“Wait’ll tomorrow,” my body says.  “Hoo, boy.”

Hoo, boy?”  I frown.  “What does that mean?”

My body shrugs, snaps open a newspaper and pretends to be deep in thought.  “Hmm.  Says here we can expect falling temperatures.”

My brain squeezes itself past the pressure being applied to my eyeballs and barks a mirthless sound approximating a laugh.  “Ha!  You do realize it’s February in Minnesota?  You can repeat the words “falling temperatures” until March.”

The brain, she squints at the body.  “Are you, sir, toying with me?”

And for the first time since puberty, my body sets down its paper and looks my brain square in the face.

“One,” it says, “I need you to drink more water.”

“But I’m not from –“

“For cryin’ eye, Brain, if I hear that tired old line about not being from water-drinking people one more time, I’m going to take you to a strip club.”

“Well I shan’t go,” the brain says.  “It’s exploitation.”

The body shrugs.  “Some of them are nice to look at.”

The brain purses its lips primly.  “Do shut up.”

“And sleep,” the body goes on, “I want more sleep.”

Silence from the brain.  The brain likes to stay up.

“And the neti pot.  You said you’d use it more often.  It’s a very dry time of year, and my nasal passages are aching.”

The brain nods cautiously.  “I found myself cogitating on this just the other day, that the headache may, perchance, be the inadvertent result of self-created dehydration.”

The body snorts in disgust.  “And I’m cogitating,” it says, “of giving you a swirly, you keep that kinda talk up.”

“A swir—“

“I’m gonna stick my head – full of you, brain-face – in the toilet and keep flushing until you shut up.”

The brain blinks slowly, rises, clears its throat.  “Upon further reflec – um, I’m thinking that perhaps you know best in this case, my dear body.  In bed tonight by 9:00, I promise.”

“And water?  You’ll drink more water?”

“I shall make a concerted effort.”

The body heaves a sigh of relief.   “You’re a good brain when you try.”

21 comments:

joeh said...

Also need fresh air and humidity in the winter. Get a humidifier, and open the window just a crack.

Dr. Cranky's orders.


And stop arguing with your brain!

Though it is a very funny concept.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I used to get a migraine once a month .. thank god that stopped. I could get migraines from eating too much sugar, not enough sugar, looking at sugar. After a while I said to hell with it and just had the migraines and took drugs. A word of hope .. when you reach a certain age and certain things stop happening in your body- the migraines stop.
Something about hormones ... there is hope.

sage said...

May you get to feeling better soon! But thanks for giving us a chuckle despite your headache.

vanilla said...

I attribute this to delirium. May your fever break soon, and the headache go away.

Daisy said...

Inner conflict can be so exhausting. I hope you both win. ;D

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Yup, drought is a sure fire headache. Especially in parts South... YAM xx

Joanne Noragon said...

I've had three day headaches, but over a week. I named them Three Day Headaches. However, Double Three Day Plus just doesn't have the ring. Debilitating Three Day....Dreadful Three Day Plus...how about Three Day Headache plus Netti Pot plus ad infinitum. That seems satisfactory.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Poor, poor Pearl! You're feeling February, too.

I love drinking water. Trouble is, i like drinking most things. ;)

jenny_o said...

Yes. And as winter goes on and on, it seems to have a cumulative effect. We will be nothing but tumbleweed by mid-March, Pearl. This year I've been using a vaporizer at night (the steam kind, not the cool mist kind) and that is helping a lot. Use of a steroid puffer for bronchial issues was also aggravating my sinus issues, so beware if you are on one of those. Drinking hot things like broth seem to help me more than cool things do, but that might just be me. Good luck.

Jono said...

Your brain is smarter than I look!

ThreeOldKeys said...

did everyone put jars of water inside their pianos when the winter air got dry? we did, when i was a kid.

it was a priority thing. we blew dried blood out of our noses all day, but we practiced an upright and well-hydrated piano.



Delores said...

Sticky note reminders may help here.

Gigi said...

I concur with Joeh re: the humidifier. I absolutely ADORE mine. Just remember to change the filter often. Don't ask. Sometimes I don't see the obvious (i.e., that the filters NEED to be changed).

River said...

Listen up Pearl's brain, the body knows what it is talking about. More water, more sleep and I'm not sure what a Neti pot is but you should probably use it if Pearl has one.

Murr Brewster said...

The clogged ears, the mucus, and the headache are all I have left of a month of flu. Without the headache, I wouldn't have anything to remember it by. Just a crumpled Kleenex and a calendar of canceled dates. Seems kind of sad, really, after all it's done to me.

Watson said...

I have my humidifier going during the winter, or whatever this is we are having on the West Coast. I find having a jug of flavoured tea encourages me to drink more liquid too. Listen to your body Pearl...it knows what it needs. Don't make me come out there and .......

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

My body and my brain are forever fighting with each other, and I end up getting a bloody headache so you could say my body wins because it makes my head hurt

jeanie said...

If it makes you feel slightly better, the same argument takes place in hot climates too...

injaynesworld said...

I've never been much of a water drinker, and now that it goes through me and out the other end almost simultaneously, I fail to see the point altogether. Perchance could the headache be the start of something "hormonal?" It hasn't messed with your funny bone anyway.

Linda O'Connell said...

I'll drink to that! Snow getting to you?

Chicken said...

My body is always whining about a water deficit also. I've noticed I can shut her down with enough wine.