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Friday, February 6, 2015

I've Got So Many Ideas

I once worked at a place where the corporate bathroom was more like a living room: couches, a little TV, even a little sewing kit for those early-morning seam splittings. Hated the company, loved the bathroom. Sometimes I think I should’ve stayed there.

The bathroom, not the company.

My current corporate bathroom is a no-frills affair. Five toilets, two sinks, a petting zoo.

OK. There’s no petting zoo. But there should be. It would take the edge off the day.

If I ran corporate bathrooms, they’d look different. Sure, I’d keep the toilets. Seems only right. But there’d be other things as well.

Free “feminine hygiene” – as opposed to the “masculine hygiene” – products. Not to take home and stock up on, you understand, but for those “what the !@#$?” moments.

Hairspray. And not that stinky, sticky stuff, either. The shiny stuff.

I would like a random person – perhaps a different employee every day, perhaps in exchange for lunch – to come in and hand out compliments, i.e., “that’s a great color on you!” Or “for all that sweating you’re doing, you don’t smell at all!" Special treats will be assigned for those giving out the most original compliments, i.e., “you really kept your composure at the last meeting. I don’t think anyone knew how badly you needed to pee.” or “when that guy in the meeting said the economic downturn was really a “blessing in the skies” I think you did a very good job of keeping a straight face”.

How about music, or, at the very least, a recording of a waterfall? How many things are as awkward as a couple of people in the bathroom, each waiting for the other to “go” first? Think it doesn’t happen? Think again, my friend. Women all over the U.S. are wishing that other person would just leave...

Hey. These are really pretty good. I should send them to HR.

They’re all off the top of my head, of course. I have a chart at home -- I could show you! -- but I’m confident that my suggestions will be met with their approval.

I probably shouldn’t spend the bonus they’re sure to award me just yet, though.

20 comments:

Shelly said...

Your suggestions are all winners and should put you in the running for Employee of the Year, hands down. What do men consider luxuries in their bathrooms? ( Or maybe I don't want to know...)

Indigo Roth said...

Can we still pee?

Jocelyn said...

I always like a basket of unguents and lotions by the sink, too.

Plus, a massage table and masseuse discreetly tucked behind a screen, calling out my name in a beckoning manner.

Daisy said...

"Blessing in the skies." :-)

Have you ever considered running for office, Pearl? I'd vote for you. you have sound ideas.

Jono said...

Yes, you should be on the Senate Select Committee for Corporate Bathroom Management (SSCC BM). Why aren't you!

Elephant's Child said...

I would like the complimentary person in my bathroom at home some days.
Brilliant suggestions. I do like the way your mind whirls.

Timothy Hecht said...

Yeah, uh, yeah. As far as bathrooms go, I just want a lot of them, evenly spaced throughout the building.

I got laid off twice in 2014. I'm now working at Intel. Was that a "blessing in the skies"?

Geo. said...

"blessing in the skies"? Somebody's always trying to make us guys look up at the wrong moment.

Sioux said...

How about a chocolate fountain?

Gigi said...

Hey now....how did you get FIVE toilets while we only get three?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
...careful though - they might offer at-desk-ensuite-doings... then you'd really be ITS... YAM xx

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

YOu need to start a business--public use toilet designer. I'd go to your bathroom. I'd go IN your bathroom. It sounds so perfect.

River said...

I'll never understand women who can't go because someone else is there. I just don't get the shyness. The whole purpose of going in there is to pee, so everyone who enters already knows why you are there, so just pee already.
I remember luxury ladies rooms in high end department stores years ago. A separate lounge area with couches, chairs a make up bench where you could sit and repair your face, behind that a wall of sinks leading into a room with toilet stalls on both sides.
These days you're lucky to get three or five toilets in a row with a waiting line outside.

Delores said...

A manicurist would be a nice touch.

Watson said...

I was out with a friend for lunch yesterday. Went to the "ladies room" while at the restaurant and ... gold faucets! And they worked well too - good flow, quiet handles. It was a pleasure to pee even tho there was no one handing out compliments.

ThreeOldKeys said...

How about a Select-a-Mirror, allowing you to see your face in a tiny scratchy pane, or a full-size skinny mirror, etc.

For when there is no RC (restroom complimenter) scheduled.

injaynesworld said...

Remember those wonderful old movies where there would be an attendant in the bathroom ready to hand you a towel?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I need to not drift too far from a toilet

maurcheen said...

;-)
Xxx

chickensconsigliere said...

Don't you wonder what Google's bathrooms look like? I picture Oompa Loompahs silk screening t-shirts to order and handing out gum that tastes like pot roast. And singing of course.

Google google googledy doop
We are here to give you the scoop
Google google googledy doop
You can listen while you take a poop..

And there might be a trampoline. That way, you can sit on the toilet and watchoompa loompahs somersault off the ceiling. Sounds like fun, right?