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Monday, January 5, 2015

You Should See The Cake They Give You When You Reach This Age

It started innocently enough.

Several weeks into December, and after an unsatisfying encounter of the political Facebook kind, one in which a man in his early 20s proffered the “known fact” that Minneapolis was the home of “people who hate America”, I became concerned that I was too readily find-able.

“I’m going off the grid,” I told Mary.

“Hmmm,” Mary offered.  “You do realize you have the kind of last name that people believe you’ve created just for its Scrabble possibilities, yes?”

It’s true.  My last name, a hyphenated concoction thought in some circles to be a Klingon declaration of love, is unique.  Richly, densely, even drunkenly unique.

But I was on a roll. 

“I blocked him,” I said,  “And I think I should change my birthday, too.  I mean, even if he can remember half the name, I want to make sure he doesn’t…”

I trail off.

“Doesn’t what,” Mary prods.  “Send you a birthday card?  See if you’re compatible on one of those Chinese animal zodiac things?”  Mary chuckles softly to herself.

“Hey, now,” I say.

“Wait, wait,” she says.  I hear her move the phone from one ear to the other.  “Maybe he’s thinking of adding you to his Friends and Family bundle, get ya a good deal on an extra phone line.”

There is a thudding sound, and I know without asking that she’s just fallen off her chair and is laying on her back, tears of laughter in her bright blue eyes.

I sigh.

There is no end to my suffering.

I let her work her way through her enjoyment, and in no time at all she is coherent again.      

“Changing your birthdate is a dumb idea,” she says.”Just remove it.”

Oddly enough, however, I could not figure out how to remove my birthdate. 

In the end, I simply changed it to January 1, 1905.

1905.

I received over 130 posts, texts, and offers of gin and tonics on New Years Day, all filled with warm messages of love and dismay that they’d never noticed before that I had been born on New Year’s Day, which I had not.

Most disturbingly of all, however, was that no one mentioned how good I looked for having just turned 110.


Welcome to the new year, everyone.   I’ve missed you.

27 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Welcome back, Hopefully your short sabbatical did what it was to do.

wellfedfred said...

Welcome back!oh, and just in case, belated happy birthday!

Camille said...

Icky Trolls. Exactly why I do not have a blog nor do I participate much on Facebook. Well, that and also because I'm lazy as all heck. Besides, my line of work has a tendency to place me face to face with trolls on a regular basis. I'm lucky that way.

Welcome back Pearly girl. Missed you.

Silliyak said...

zounds!

vanilla said...

Seems you are rested and in fine form! Might we mention 110 be durned, you are looking good for a girl of 35!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Oh, how i missed thee!
(And I was one of the dingbats who congratulated you on the fact that you were a New Year's baby.)

Delores said...

We've missed you too Pearl and what a comeback. Happy belated fake birthday to you...and you DO look good for an old gal lol.

Sage said...

Happy New Year, Pearl. It's good to have you back and wow, you sure do look great, is it the gin?

savannah said...

well, sweetpea, i just hope y'all remember all the kind and good wishes when y'all's REAL birthday rolls along because a ton of us will have no idea! ;) xoxoxoxo

p.s. it's only because i want send you y favorite b-day video!!!

jenny_o said...

I hope you accepted at least a few of those celebratory libations! It's not every day a centurion gets the chance to have G&Ts instead of a cup of tea.

Happy New Year, I'm glad you're back, and be careful out there.

Watson said...

You age well Pearl, by keeping us laughing, which helps us to age well! Thank you! Tho you might be tired of hearing it by now...welcome back.... missed yah!

BTW, my friend loves your book!

LeenieBeans said...

Oh, welcome back! We've missed you!

Jono said...

I hope I'm as hot as you when I hit 110!I'll send a reminder when that is about to happen.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
HAPPY 2015 PEARLIE!!! (Psssttt... I know it and the card is on its way....)
&*> Hugs, YAM xx

Elephant's Child said...

Welcome back.
You look (and sound) amazing for your age. And even a fake Capricorn has class. And style. And in your case, talent.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Your last name was made up by someone who hoped to win the prize of most letters in one word.

I hear it won 3rd prize after a Hungarian with a name like Wolfe­schlegel­stein­hausen­berger­dorff, Jr .. honest .. really .. I am not lying.

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

110! eh? Well glad you're back.

Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Facebook makes it difficult to do any number of things, especially if they involve removing info about ourselves. I love that people didn't notice the year of birth...but they may have been celebrating the new year just a little too much. Enjoy it, Pearlie.

Joanne Noragon said...

I doubt you heard me fall off my chair and like like a wrong sided turtle, laughing and waiting for help.
Missed 'ya.

Gigi said...

Happy Birthday Pearl! Am I early? Late?

Who knows. Happy New Year!

bill lisleman said...

thanks for a new 2015 laugh. No reason to give FB much of anything real. My brother taking my advice told them he graduated from Jerusalem University and lives in New Jersey. He didn't go to college and might have been in New Jersey once in his life. It's good to keep them guessing.

Launna said...

Welcome back Pearl... that was a hoot... I would have noticed that it said you were a 110... and questioned it... lol

I hope you have wonderful and happy New Year... great to see you back xox

jenny_o said...

whoops, I think I meant centenarian, not centurion

LOL

Bonus funny :)

Murr Brewster said...

Wait a minute. Isn't the Mall Of People Who Hate America in Minnesota? Little Missy?

Whatever your birthday is, it's a happy one in my book.

River said...

You do look very good for your age Pearl. 110! I hope to be 110 one day, I'll settle for 105.
Happy Birthday for whenever it really is and Happy New Year too.

Eileen B said...

Hey, my facebook birthday is 1910. Haha you're older than I am. ....But we both look great for our age.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Welcome back hope 2015 is a bloody great year for you and yours