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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

You Didn't Ask for My Advice, But Here It Is

I’ve got an uncle who warns me to never fall asleep on the concrete in the cold.

“The sidewalk’s a killer,” he warns. “Did you know that bums die every year just by falling asleep? The ground never warms up in the winter, and that concrete will leach the heat right out of you. Take my word for it: never fall asleep on the concrete.”

I am torn between being thankful for this information and concern that he thinks it may come to pass that I will find myself using a sidewalk as a bed.

But perhaps he’s on to something. Perhaps we should be handed a laminated sheet of truisms upon, say, high school graduation, something you could frame, something you could refer to often.

Never fall asleep on the concrete would be on there.

What else would be listed?
  • Never squeeze lemons with a hand full of papercuts.
  • You’re going to want change to a lighter weight of motor oil in the winter.
  • Unless she’s requested it, buy a woman an appliance for Christmas at your own peril.
  • Don’t tattoo your neck.
  • Never trust a man named “Shifty”.
  • The guy on the street who begs for “just another dollar so I can get home, man” is not really going to go home after you give it to him.
  • Discounted sushi is not a bargain.
This is just off the top of my head, but it’s a start. Words to live by, people. Go forth and change your oil.

And no more sleeping on the sidewalks.


jenny_o said...

Good advice. It will be hard to give up that spot, though. It's better than an orthopedic mattress.

And I'll see your list and raise you three items:

When travelling, if facilities are available, use them.
When offered a breath mint, take it.
When someone compliments you, smile and say thank you.

Anonymous said...

Words to live by Pearl....

Eileen B said...

At high altitudes point yogurt containers away from you when opening. They have a bad habit of erupting. (making mental note to cancel tattoo appointment.

joeh said...

Good stuff. I expect to see more from you and from your readers.

Geo. said...

Delightful post, Pearl. I wasn't given much advice before leaving home but always found value in this: Everybody knows who forgot to flush.

Jocelyn said...

I like Jenny_O's breath mint tip. 'Cause, yea, it's being offered for a reason.

I totally wish you'd included one about not licking a pump in January. Since you didn't, I did. And, man, did I lose a chunk of my tongue.

River said...

I'll add never check for gas leaks by lighting a match.

Elephant's Child said...

And my father's truly infuriating (but accurate) little gem.
Your left hand is the one where the thumb is on the right...

Joanne Noragon said...

You'll find it in the last place you look.

Merlesworld said...

Such good advice but the best one is never give advice.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
There's always the ol' clean underwear chestnut... word to the wise, when in a 'situation' it's unlikely the underwear pulls through untainted. Just sayin' YAM xx

vanilla said...

The one bit of counsel my dad gave me on my wedding day: Don't fill up your yard with little girls trying to get a little boy.

vanilla said...
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Susan said...

GAH! "You didn't ask for my advice, but..." is exactly what my mother says to me right before she says something completely ridiculous or random.... I just spent 10 minutes writing examples only to delete them in fear that she will somehow find this comment and ask God to smite me or something. No examples. Moms know everything.

Shelly said...

One of my favorite life hacks is never wear sandals in a recently occupied corral.

Rose L said...

Yea, my mom would say to never go out of the house without wearing clean underwear in case you get in an accident. Has that one been passed down for centuries?
When wearing a skirt keep your legs crossed.
Always check your rear before exiting. (this came in handy one time in a public restroom when my skirt got caught up in my panties!)
Always check the buttons on your blouse. (this came in handy one time when my blouse was unbuttoned at the middle! Embarrassing!)
Do not wear a tube top when playing volleyball. (Only did this once!)
Keep your eyes on the stars but watch where you are going.
Never smile after eating popcorn.
Always check that there is toilet paper before using.
Men,always put the seat back down.
Don't tease a pitbull (or any large dog for that matter!).
Don't wear white to a party or by the time you leave you will look like a used napkin!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Yes yes yes some great tips

Saimi said...

My Grandpa always said, "A wise man carries a coat when the sunshines.' I've lived by that and there were many times I was thankful for those words of wisdom.

esbboston said...

I am sure that the smarter group of homeless people use at least two layers of cardboard between themselves and the elements.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Don't put lotion on your hands and attempt "downward dog" on ANY surface...even a "sticky" mat won't prevent a face plant.