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Monday, January 12, 2015

Where Did You Say We Were?

I’m willing to bet that many of the places in the world are named after what happened there. Take, for example, “Burnt Land Creek”.

I’m thinking that at one time there was a fire?

Or Hungry Horse, Montana? If you ever get too big for your britches, might I recommend a visit to the Great State of Montana? Montana is, as they say, “Big Sky” country; and they’re absolutely right about that. Your concerns are very small when faced by the bigness (bigocity? biggitude?) of the Rocky Mountains.

And how about the inexplicably named “Ham Lake, Minnesota”?

Ham Lake: as in “I do not want to swim in Ham Lake.”

I like the idea of places being named after what happened there, though; and I think we should carry on with that naming convention.

As has been established, I live in Minneapolis. Most everything that needs it has already been named, but I think I’ve identified some places that could still use a good namin’.

For example, Puking Woman Parking Lot. I know, I know. Too glamorous? And yet there it is, just a block from Ground Zero, the corner where I saw a woman the other evening – still clutching her cell phone, by golly! – throw up, repeatedly.

“Yeah, can ya – bleeeeeeeeeeeeeech! – come an’ git me? Tiffany an’ Crystal an’ Brittany – bleeeeeeeeeeeeeech! – lef’ me an’ I dun ev’n know where they are!”

Keep walking. Keep walking.

What about Sexual Contact Park? I love that place. Well, I used to love that place. Now I avert my eyes. Apparently Mom wanted you to wear clean underwear not because you might be hit by a truck but because you might accidentally leave your panties in the park…

You know who you are.

My calls to the City of Minneapolis go unanswered, but I’m going to keep after them. I really think I’m on to something here!

16 comments:

vanilla said...

Oh, they so need you to chair the Board of Geographic Nomenclature!

joeh said...

I like it!

I hope that lake was named after someone who was named Ham, otherwise I wouldn't swim there either.

Silliyak said...

Do the No Swimming signs at Ham Lake say "Swimming here is not Kosher" ?

Rosemary Nickerson said...

Pearl, you could use us all as references before the city council naming board: we can vouch for your astute use of nouns and verbs!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh my word - well, Aussie words actually... you need Chunder Car Lot and Bury-the-Snake Park... YAM xx

Catalyst/Taylor said...

The High Commissioner of Idiomatic Nomenclature. Otherwise known as The Grand Poobah.

Delores said...

You need to tell us why they named it Ham Lake....you really need to...okay, I need to know.

Christine said...

Ah! Did you used to live in Indiana? We have a town named French Lick, and it sounds eerily similar to a name you'd come up with.

jenny_o said...

Ever heard of Dildo or Come-By-Chance in Newfoundland, Canada? You are just following in a long line of creative place-naming persons in history. And it doesn't need to be a new, unnamed place that gets your attention. Every time I turn around they're re-naming streets and buildings around here. Go for it, Pearl!

Elephant's Child said...

Sadly I think all car parks could be named Puking or Piddling Place (or Puking AND Piddling Place). Which could make directions tricky.

fmcgmccllc said...

Panties in the park, hmm. I do see quite a lot of personal garments scattered about at the assembly plants. And yes, some panties by the empty booze bottles.

Linda O'Connell said...

I read this aloud in the teacher's lounge. Several snorts and nods.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, I love Montana, and I have been to Hungry Horse (home of the Hungry Horse News). But my favorite name is Intercourse, PA. Ironically, the location of a wonderful Amish Market. I am wondering what was done there......perhaps distantly related to the panties AND the puking?

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

i would swim in Bacon Lake, but not Ham Lake. Too salty.

River said...

words fail me. Really, I'm drawing a blank here with any suggestions.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Now I am kinda craving ham...