I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, January 9, 2015

The Omega Pearl; or Run for the Hills, We're All Gonna Die

Any time the world is quiet, residential streets empty of cars and pedestrians, my mind goes directly to the End of the World, a game I played as a child.

Gosh, how much fun must I have been as a kid, huh?! I was a worried and serious child and have grown into a worried albeit silly adult. And honestly, if I had my druthers – and you know I’ve been working all my life on developing my druthers – I’m glad it worked out like that.

Every day I enjoy the fact that it all started out a bit worrisome but has turned out to be a lot of fun.

I’m silly, but I pay my bills.

So it was not unusual for me that the other day, nine below zero, was an End of the World scenario.  I walked to the bus stop down the middle of the street, no one to stop me. I crossed against the lights. I waited for the bus for 10 minutes and saw only a handful of cars. Even now, as I’m sitting here on the bus at 6:40 in the a.m., there are only nine people with me.

Being alone has always had a strange effect on me; and in no time at all, in my mind I have gone from a bus on a deserted street to being on a transport vehicle carrying the only survivors of a global plague. A sweeping viral infection has circled the globe in a three-week period...

I survey the bus. So this is what we have to work with.

The world is in trouble, ladies and gentlemen. None of these people – myself included – look like they’re up to the challenge of birthing a new civilization.

In light of the need to be practical in this practically ridiculous scenario, I have taken stock of myself; and I think you’ll be as surprised as I was to discover that I am going to be of no help whatsoever:

 I know how to milk a cow, but I’d rather not.
 I would not trust me to set your broken bones, help you deliver your baby, or pull one of your teeth.
 I don’t know how to repair any kind of engine.
 I can’t remember if the cure for a snake bite is sucking the poison out of it or peeing on it. Either way, someone's in for a weird time.

I could go on and on, but already I’m worried about the future.

Thank goodness we’re all perfectly safe, huh?

21 comments:

Shelly said...

A quick survey of my post-apocalypse skills reveals I don't have much to offer, but I can make a mean guacamole.

Pearl said...

Shelly, well, the end of the world IS going to require snacks...

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh crikey - I better not list mine; I might get headhunted... YAM xx

sage said...

You take me back to that scene in Dr. Strangelove, where he talks about the need to be held up in a bunker with a select group that includes intelligence and young fertile women to repopulate the world...

Daisy said...

Well, the world best not look to me to save it. I took a quiz on Facebook to see how long I would survive in a Zombie apocalypse, and it said I would be one of the first to be killed. :\

Delores said...

I'm a pro at complaining, whining and (ahem) bitching if that will be of any use in the 'new world'. I mean, someone has to do it, right?

jenny_o said...

Frankly, crossing against the light could be the start of a downward spiral to doom, so best you get some dental/obstetric/mechanic training, stat. Cause somebody will have to know how, and I'm going to be busy whining in the corner with Delores.

Elephant's Child said...

The whining choir has another member. Harmony may be missing, but the volume will be there.

Mary Koppel said...

I can make soup out of nearly anything, although will admit to not ever having tried "old tennis shoe" as a base ingredient. Soup kitchens will be needed!

jenny_o said...

Welcome, EC! Yes, we'll crank it out, pun intended :)

esbboston said...

If I see a snake I am going to look around to be sure you are no where nearby.

vanilla said...

The survivalists prolly would use me for fertilizer in their garden plots.

injaynesworld said...

Oh, no! Who will bottle the wine?

Watson said...

Brings back memories of grade school drills for surviving an atomic bomb, and the booming business in air raid shelters. About the 1950's?

Well, I slept through an earthquake this week (it was a little one) and I'm sure I can sleep through this "end of the world" too...as long as the whining and bitching choir keep the volume down!

joeh said...

Sometimes it must be a little scary living in your head.

River said...

Peeing on it is for jellyfish stings.
I'm probably only good for my stockpile of toilet paper and bandaids, but if Mary Koppel needs help in the soup kitchen, I can do that too.

the walking man said...

Eh Pearl minus 6 below 0 is the end of the world. It means I actually have to put some real clothes on.

Sioux said...

If the apocalyptic world has Nutella and cream cheese available, I can make a delicious "dip" which is wonderful with pretzels, graham crackers or a spoon.

THAT talent would prove priceless, I imagine...

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Thank you this post made me laugh and I needed a laugh this morning

Linda O'Connell said...

Give me chocolate and I don't care. This deep freeze is making me___ fill in the blank because any word will suffice.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

I could make coffee.

If you have a coffee maker.