I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Part One: It's Not Commonly Known, But Cats Are Excellent Cooks

Oh, you're in for it now.  A multi-parter from 2012, when I lived on my own and drinking/socializing with the cat was a thing...  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I awaken to the sound of the deadbolt being moved.

I am processing this thought when two, and then four paws, land on my pillow. 

“Pearl.  Pearl.”

I should’ve never given that cat a key. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small-pawed purveyor of bootleg DVDs and one-time Olympic hopeful in the Feline Shot Put, stares down at me, green eyes shining. 

“I’m a-sleep,” I say.  It occurs to me that I should emphasize this.  “Asleep,” I insist.

“How novel,” she purrs.  She sits down, contemplates the claws of her right front paw.  “In bed at – what is this? 2:00 a.m.?”  She looks up, laughs, a disturbing show of gleaming teeth.   “How does one find oneself in bed at such an hour? Did you lose a bet?”

I sit up, rub my eyes.  “Why are you here?”

She glances toward the kitchen.  “Do you have any gin?”

I sigh.  “I do not.”  I put an index finger on her tiny pink nose and she pushes against it, drives my finger along her whiskered cheek.

There is momentary silence.

“Well,” she says, standing.  “I suppose I should run.”

I smile.  “You woke me up to ask me if I had any gin?”

“No,” she says, grinning.  “I woke you up simply to wake you up.”

I blink heavily.  “How cat-like of you.”

She waves a dismissive paw in my direction.  “Oh, you,” she says mildly.

I remember something.  “Hey,” I say, “how did Thanksgiving go?  Weren’t you having some cats over?”

She stops at the door.  “As a matter of fact I did,” she muses.  “We should get together and talk about it.  Some interesting business opportunities arose.”

“Hmmm,” I say, frowning. 

“And of course the dinner was delicious.”



“Tur –“

“Like turducken,” she says, opening the front door.  A cold blast of air screams in from the third-floor porch and swirls above my head.  “You know – a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey?”

I blink.  I am not at my cleverest at 2:05 a.m.  “So turrabbster is…”

“A hamster stuffed inside a rabbit inside a turkey.”

“Mmmm,” I say.

“I’ll give you a call,” she says.  “We’ll go out.”

I lie down, pull the covers up to my nose as the front door closes, locks.

It’s been a long time since I had a drink with the cat.


Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
An airing of the cat-tales... oh this is gonna be fun.


Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Liza Bean wouldn't do well at our place. 2 a.m. Is two hours before I wake up. Every day. For no apparent reason.

Delores said...

2 am cat visits....how I miss them.

Pearl said...

Yam, I re-read this one after two years and laughed. I like when I laugh at my own stuff, so now it's getting reposted. :-)

Dawn, I'll never understand that about you. :-D

Delores, Oh, the kitties. How they love us!

Jocelyn said...

Snorted a few droplets of snot out onto the keyboard over this one. Do. not. tell. my. husband...because I am not wiping down the keyboard.

jenny_o said...

Terrabster :)

And did they have a cranpumple for dessert? (it was a real thing a couple of years ago too, but I can't remember exactly how it was done ... a combination of cranberry, pumpkin and apple stuff)

Cats DO wake us up just to wake us up. It's true.

Elephant's Child said...

Cats most certainly wake us up to wake us up. Because we are there. A low-impact Everest climb for them.
And my furry fiends don't cook. Or clean...

vanilla said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Pearl.

Merlesworld said...

My cat knocks on my bedroom door at 7am or there abouts every morning, it's her breakfast time so I always in bed by midnight, they really do rule the house.

River said...

Turrabster? How did I not pick up on that the first time round? I've heard of Turducken, my daughter has even cooked and eaten it, but not Turrabster.
Angel wakes me at 2am too, as a prelude to getting me up by 3am for his breakfast. His current method of waking me is to leap from bookshelf to bedside chest onto my chest, ouch! and straight off again onto the other bedside chest. Round the end of the bed and repeat.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

You have the most amazing cats!

Chicken said...

Wait...you were OUT of gin? that doesn't make sense.

sage said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Pearl. You can have the hamster, I'll make sure I eat only what i carve from outside of the turkey!