I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, November 21, 2014

And Now A Word from the Swamp Heifer Advisory Board

While I have limited first-hand knowledge of the men’s facilities (the old Stasiu’s in my neighborhood has an art deco marble urinal from the ‘20s that is equal parts impressive and disgusting), I can tell you that the women’s room is no place for the unwary.

First thing to remember? Odds are good that everyone in the bathroom is drunk.

Second thing to remember? Any issues the occupants of said bathroom have with themselves, their bodies, their liquor, their boyfriends, or people who look just like you are likely to come out.

Let me give you an example.

You walk into the bar’s bathroom. It’s somewhere around midnight and you are one cheerful, friendly SOB. The unsteady and unsmiling woman staring at herself in the mirror over one of the two sinks in the room closes one eye so as to get a more accurate look at you and says bitterly, “Well, you look pleased with yourself”.

Do you:
A. Confide that you’ve recently lost 10 pounds.
B. Tell her to mind her own business.
C. Ignore her.
D. Recognize that she's having a hard day and probably just needs a friend.
E. Get out fast and don’t look back.

The answer is E: Get out fast and don’t look back.

But wait! you exclaim. I haven’t washed my hands!

This is true. You’ve not washed your hands. I suggest you either hit up a woman with a purse for the Purell she’s surely carrying or keep your fingers out of your mouth for the rest of the evening because you, my friend, may have just encountered a Swamp Heifer, a thoroughly dangerous and unpredictable beast.

Don’t let the title fool you. The Swamp Heifer inhabits all regions of the world, not just the swamps, and she doesn’t always have the girth – or the intellect – of a heifer.

But what, exactly, are we looking for when watching for the wild Swamp Heifer?

Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippo, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks.

A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.

A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate where her drinks are concerned. Just keep ‘em cheap and keep ‘em coming.

A Swamp Heifer’s clothing eventually comes off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough in the back to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than is palatable, or shoes that are removed and left under a table somewhere so their owner can dance barefoot.

A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that have nothing to do with the beat and everything to do with her future aspirations.

A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at ear-splitting decibels that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.

Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…

A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. An SH without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. An SH with a boyfriend is a jealous woman and assumes the worst at all times. The man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening.

Which brings us back to the bathrooms – and, now that I think about it, one of the reasons that women sometimes travel in pairs.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Stay safe out there.

24 comments:

Mac n' Janet said...

Oh you described them so well. They're often found passed out on the bathroom floor at the bar regardless of the floors condition.
I've thrown away way too many lipsticks because they've asked to borrow them and it's easier to loan it and then throw it away than to argue.
My husband says they're the reason he always has his legs under the table so they can't plop down in his lap.
We're going out dancing tonight and I'm sure we'll see more than our share of them, we always do.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Phew; glad I gave away bar-wrangling last century then...

Meanwhile, stay safe in that rodeo! YAM xx

vanilla said...

SH, it is to be avoided at all costs?

joeh said...

And they are never photographed without their tongue sticking out.

Delores said...

Next time I'm in a bar at midnight and need to use the bathroom (who am I kidding?) I'll keep my eye peeled for the infamous Swamp Heifer. I'll keep a cattle prod in my purse...beats pepper spray every time.

Glen said...

I'm a little concerned that you just described my mum... :-)

jenny_o said...

I vaguely remember this version of a female person from back in the 70s when I still went to bars. So glad not to have to deal with this now. I feel a little queasy just reading about it.

Jono said...

I learn so much here!

Geo. said...

My parents never told me about Swamp Heifers. Thank you for so delightfully correcting this flaw in my education.

Catalyst/Taylor said...

I had no idea!

Watson said...

I haven't been in a bar in decades...for just this reason: to avoid the ever-present, unpredictable Swamp Heifer. Thanks for the alert Pearlie, and may you always have the hand cleaner on...hand.

Elephant's Child said...

And an ambitious swamp heifer is looking to get laid AND to fight. And isn't fussy about the order. Or the participants.

jeanie said...

She is an international beastie. They can respond quite adroitly to mob mentality also, and have been known to bring whole establishments to its knees when it fails to cushion their needs adequately.

Leenie B said...

What Jono and Geo said.

River said...

Thank you for this information pearl, I'll be sure to take care if I ever go near a bar. Highly unlikely, but I might one day...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

The thong is probably the most disturbing feature you mention.

Linda O'Connell said...

So, that's what they're called. My former mother-in-law fit your description. She did more sh*t kicking after midnight, and it was always prefaced with, "What are YOU looking at?"

NotesFromAbroad said...

Required reading for all teenage girls and middle aged women.
I agree with Green Girl in Wisconsin .. thongs are just disturbing no matter what.

Chicken said...

For those who do not frequent bars, please be informed that the SH can also be found in the check-out line at Wal-mart, particularly during the pre-Black Friday Post Thanksgiving sale. She'll be wearing a Santa hat. Don't let it fool you. She's every bit as dangerous (and likely just as drunk) as the bar version. Particularly if she's feeling cheated out of the $99 40 inch television deal.

ce8d632a-647c-11e3-94d3-000bcdcb2996 said...

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

www.boycottamericanwomen.com

Mac n' Janet said...

Update to my earlier comment. We did go out last night to a really nice little bar/restaurant, dance club and of course there was a Swamp Heifer there. While showing off her best dance moves she fell on the floor. I do have to say though that I thought it was awfully rude of the man she was dancing with not to help her up off the floor.

Maria said...

God, I'm old. I was just sitting here trying to think of the last time I have been in a bar...


Jocelyn said...

Nailed it, my friend.

As far as hand washing goes, I'm a fan of not getting prissy about it. It's okay to skip washing. But it's not okay to use hand sanitizer. Embrace the germs, not the chemicals!

Daisy said...

The SH sounds quite scary. Thanks for the warning, Pearl. Fortunately, after midnight I am almost always fast asleep or at least in bed and trying to be fast asleep. :-)