I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Now With More Bone! or Tora! Tora! Tora!

A re-post from 2012, while I struggle under the weight of expectations...


I have long suspected that I am special.

The freckles, of course, were my first clue.

“Angel kisses,” Grandma said, generously.

“Wait’ll they get wet,” Kevin would hiss into my ear.  “If they get wet and you scratch ‘em, they’ll stink.”

Then there’s my ability to burn myself with a curling iron, something I do at least three times a year.  And of course there’s my uncanny knack insofar as eyeballing teaspoons and tablespoons without actually owning a set myself.

And yes, whatever I’ve just cooked is supposed to taste that way.

All of this special-ness adds up to one thing:  not being surprised when the dental hygienist mentioned the tora in my mouth.

Not the torah, even if Rosh Hashanah is coming. 

The tora.

“The what now?”

“Right here,” she says, running her metallic doohickey along the roof of my mouth.  “The bony plate.”

“Uh oh-ee eigh?”

“Yep,” she says.  “The bony plate.”  She puts the doohickey away.  “That’s why you cut the inside of your mouth so often on crunchy foods.  Am I right?”

I sit up slightly, nodding.  I run my index finger along the roof of my mouth.  There is a ridge of bone running smack down the middle of it, dividing my palate in two.  “You mean not everyone has this?”

“No,” she says.  “It’s not exactly rare, but it’s not common.”

“Other people’s palates are flat?”

“Yep.”

I consider this.  “I have abnormal brain waves, too,” I tell her. 

“I don’t doubt it,” she says.

“Plus,” I say, “I can still put my feet in my mouth.”

“That’s gotta come in handy,” she grants, grinning. 

I like a dental hygienist with a sense of humor.

I open my mouth wide, try to see the top of my mouth in the little mirror, but it looks the way it’s always looked.


There’s so much yet to be discovered.

13 comments:

vanilla said...

"I don't doubt it."

Delores said...

We always knew you were special...tora or no tora.

jenny_o said...

"I like a dental hygienist with a sense of humor."

And I bet she likes a patient with a sense of humor, too :)

I can still put my feet in my mouth, too, but not in a literal sense ...

Shelly said...

What is it with curling irons? I'm headed to skin graft territory if I burn myself any more...

Catalyst/Taylor said...

And you write rather well, too.

Jono said...

Do you have any other interesting mutations you would like to share with us? Please?

Daisy said...

Hey! I have a bone down the centre of the roof of my mouth too. Maybe we're related! :-)

River said...

I have a ridge too, I thought everyone had one.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
...foot in mouth disorder? I don't think so... YAM xx

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Me too! Is there a special club for us? Like Mensa for the smart people? Maybe we can name our club Toramensa....cause we've got the ridge AND we're very smart (thus the brain waves)

Linda O'Connell said...

Oh my goodness, I too have a ridge. We are unique.

Chicken said...

Wait,I have that bony thing down the middle and I always am hurting the inside of my mouth....you mean that's weird? Why come my hygienist knows nothing about torahs? Completely beside the point, but one of my children has a geographic tongue. Does that mean it's been places?

Daisy said...

But can you touch the tip of your nose with the tip of your tongue? No? Ah, well, neither can I. :)