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Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Time for The Chore Monkey Has Come

Some concepts require second looks.

I refer, of course, to the Chore Monkey.

Look, people. We’ve put a man on the moon, provided the youth of today with multiple opportunities to film themselves plankingowling, and other manner of verbification -- we've even convinced large groups of inebriates that Jagermeister is a shot-worthy bar drink.

So why in the wide, wide world of sports have we not perfected the Chore Monkey?

And when I say “Chore Monkey”, I am not referring to our children. Children, while delightfully trainable, for the most part, are prone to contacting Child Protective Services and confiding in authority figures when forced to run to the gas station for cigarettes at 2:00 a.m.

Or so I hear.

Which brings us back to the Chore Monkey.

Primates! Trained, costume-wearing primates! Think of it.

And they’ll be even better than children.

Have you seen a child climb up the side of a building?  Pathetic.

Compare that to the image of a tweed-suited chimpanzee climbing up yer drain spouts.

See what I mean?

Think about the many uses of the chore monkeys of tomorrow.

Need to borrow a bit of something from your neighbor but it’s snowing? Send the monkey!

Not sure as to just when you bought that milk and concerned that it may have gone bad? Have you considered having the monkey try a wee bit of it?

Hungry but too lazy to hoist yourself off the couch and wander all the way into the kitchen? Perhaps it's time to send the monkey out for fast food!

They can’t do everything, of course. For instance, I continue to question a monkey’s ability to consistently shop using coupons. And I doubt a monkey’s capacity for sorting clothes by color prior to laundering them.

A monkey once failed to properly "hug" one of my three-wick candles.

Despite all of that, I still think that there’s gold in them thar monkeys.*

I am, after all, an optimist.

* I do not now nor have I ever owned, misused, made fun of, borrowed money from or advocated the exploitation of a monkey. Monkeys are not servants, nor are they delicious. Mostly, today’s post is the result of my wishing someone other than me would do my grocery shopping...

For cryin’ out loud, some of my best friends are monkeys! 


jenny_o said...

Ever considered sending Liza Bean to do the grocery shopping? Pay her in shrimp and cream, amounts to be agreed upon before shopping. She may not have opposable thumbs, but - dang it - if she can drive, she can certainly buy groceries!

Shelly said...

If a chore monkey can do decent manis and pedis, sign me up. My little chore dog has proved to be very disinterested in that task

Geo. said...

Excellent ideas here, Pearl, but I'm pretty sure monkeys, like most animals, are afraid of vacuum cleaners. I know I am.

Delores said...

I once sat in a room full of monkeys attempting to write a novel.

vanilla said...

Oh, yeah; like that disclaimer is going to get you off the hook.

joeh said...

But would the monkey start taking orders from the cats?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Monkeys are much too manic - try an ape instead... but beware the consequences; for Heaven's sake woman have you not seen the adverts??? YAM xx

Leenie B said...

Sounds like a great idea. And I'll bet a CM would at least be as capable and even more skilled than certain human males when it comes to a lot of chores.

Elephant's Child said...

I would love a chores monkey. With energiser batteries. Because even chore monkeys get tired (says this very tired chore monkey).

bill lisleman said...

years ago I watched a video (maybe it's still on youtube?) of a monkey serving food at a restaurant in Japan or some far east location. At least you didn't suggest spank the monkey. Oh why did my mind go there?
I thought your focus was cats. Why are monkeying around with monkeys?

Sioux said...

I would LOVE to have a chore monkey. Perhaps you could start a business--"Pearl's Primates"?

River said...

"...wishing someone other than me would do my grocery shopping..."

Shop online Pearl and get the stuff delivered. They'll even come inside and unpack it for you. But you'll have to put it in storage yourself.

the walking man said...

Bring money, drive to Detroit and i will gladly do your grocery shopping at Krogers. I need more fuel points this month to get my $35 dollars of free gas.

You can even shave my back and call me gorilla if you so desire.

Chicken said...

Monkeys are delicious, actually, and how dare you insinuate otherwise

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Amen! Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a monkey around to do all measure of dreaded chores? But, in the meantime, with proper enticement, I imagine that Liza Bean could be a great substitute for a chore monkey! All would take, after all, would be some shrimp and a gin and tonic!

Nashville Brown said...

You, are an amazing writer. Definitely something to aspire too.
Thank You for what you do.


Daisy said...

I had a chore monkey once, but he kept eating my bananas, so I had to fire him.

Suzanne Casamento said...

I would love a chore monkey! As long as it does floors. Mine must clean floors.