I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Operators are Standing By; or Welcome to Monday


My brain has found itself in a rut lately. Initially, I was horrified, but, three beers in, I’m actually feeling kinda comfy.

My rut? I’m consumed with thoughts of poverty, with images of myself in line at a food shelf or making my lousy winter boots last another season.

But Pearl, my inner pioneer woman says, them boots done lasted you for eight years now! They’re fine boots!

And this is true. Them boots have lasted a good long time.

But what if they develop a hole, say, in October; and I can’t replace them? I can already picture myself at the bus stop, my feet wrapped in towels and stuffed into bread bags.

I need additional income. But I don’t actually want to work any more than I do now – between corporate work, writing, cleaning, serving, and yoga, who has time for toiling?

I’m tired of working the old-fashioned way. Working is for suckers.

I need a scam.

What do you think of this? You ready?

Dark-B-Gone.

That’s right! Dark-B-Gone! Are you tired of inadequate lighting? Are you confused by twilight? Looking for a dusk remedy? For only $19.99 I will share with you the secret of shadow removal, the techniques that the people in charge – do we need to use names?! – don’t want you to know!

But wait! There’s more!

For an additional $19.99 I will also send to you the many processes and procedures available for light eradication! Tired of squinting? The sun, fluorescent lights, even candles can wreak havoc with the eyes! Why use your pupils more than you need to? Try my tried and proven methods to eliminate this problem!

And just to show you how serious I am, here’s one technique for light reduction absolutely free! You ready?

Blinking! That’s right. Blinking. That one’s for free. And I have several – several! – other ways of beating illumination issues right here, right in my hot little hand, and they’re all yours for only $19.99.

E-mail now* and receive both these offers, both Dark-B-Gone and Dark Now, for just $39.98! Imagine the looks on friends’ faces when you possess the answers to questions like “Does it seem dark to you?” and “It seems awfully bright in here, doesn’t it?”

Contact me within the next 24 hours and receive, my gift to you, a genuine Certificate of Illumination, complete with hand-lettering and a naugahyde carrying case.

Hurry! Call now!



*Offer not available where people are using their brains.

15 comments:

vanilla said...

*Offer not available where people are using their brains.

Why can't you get legislation enacted which would require this disclaimer on most TV commercials; or at least on the ones shown after ten p.m.?

Chicken said...

Where do I send the check?

Delores said...

And here I've been going along with whatever is on tap for the moment...bright...dark....semi lit when all along I could have been doing something about it. I'll take two copies just in case I misplace one while looking for my flashlight.

Simply Suthern said...

Is it solar powered? Or does it require batteries? Regular batteries or one of those odd sizes the cost a mint down at Batteries R US? Can I get my money back if I fail to see light?

Daisy said...

Will you take a credit card?

I think toiling is overrated. :)

Geo. said...

I tried everything to get rid of those stubborn shadows but "Dark-B-Gone!" really works!! It's so easy and leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. --G., California

Indigo Roth said...

I have a bucket on my head. Perfectly dark when combined with loooong blinks. And, for sale for just $14.99 from my website, I'm undercutting you.

jenny_o said...

OMG I AM tired of being in the dark and I AM tired of squinting. But naugahyde - really? Those naugs are almost extinct and this is how you treat them? Gimme a squirrel-fur case and we got a deal.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
As a certified illuminant I say this; if you have naugahyde on hand - make your own boots.

It'll be better for your karma account... YAM xx

fmcgmccllc said...

Oh yea, this one is gonna be your spam forever email.

Love it.

Sioux said...

Naugahyde--so much classier than pleather.

Now I KNOW it's a quality product...

Launna said...

Omg Pearl, I laughed so hard, not for people who have a brain...

I do hope you figure out a way to make some extra money, give me some tips if you come up with any... ;)

bill lisleman said...

I don't care about the light and dark. I want to know where you can find good naugahyde these days.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Monday rolls around far too fast for my liking

Suzanne Casamento said...

I'd pretty much buy anything you're selling if you pitch it like that!