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Friday, July 11, 2014

The Door is Ajar; or Most of the Time, Those Devices Don't Know What They're Talking About

I’m not sure if my dad is messing with me or not.

It is probably safest to assume that he is.

“So I woke up, what? 2:00, 2:30 in the morning, and I hear a voice I don’t recognize coming from the kitchen.”

I take a drink of my beer, keep a wary eye on his face.

“And I’m thinking to myself, holy cow!  There’s someone in the house!  What do I do?  Should I wake your mother?  Where’s that baseball bat?  Do I have time to go to the bathroom first?”

I snort appreciatively.  My father taps the side of his nose, nods. 

“So I go into the kitchen,” he continues, raising his eyebrows significantly, “and there’s Mumma’s phone on the table.  It’s all lit up, and as I reach for it, the phone says to me, Please say a command.

“Well, I damn-near fell over.  Please say a command, the lousy thing says.”  He shakes his head in disbelief, takes a sip of beer.  ”Pfft.”   

“So what’d you do?”

“What could I do?” he says.  “It wants a command, I’ll give it a command!  I tell it:  Shut up!”

I laugh.  “Your command is shut up?”

He nods, takes another drink.  “But does that satisfy it?  No.  Please say a command, it says again!  Another command from the phone!  So I tell it OK, shut up and drop dead.”

I can’t help myself.  I laugh again.  “Did that work?”

“Nah,” he says, rising with his empty beer can, “but I was done with it.  A phone that wakes me up, makes demands?” 

“So what’d you do?”


He shrugs, drops the can in the recycling, pulls another beer from the fridge.  “What could I do?”  He pops open the can, takes a drink.  “I stuffed it into the kitchen towel drawer.  I figured your mother could have a talk with it in the morning.”

25 comments:

vanilla said...

Now, that's funny, right there.

joeh said...

I would have put it in the refrigerator, but otherwise all perfectly logical.

Lin said...

He would fit right in at our house. I like your dad. :)

Silliyak said...

Glad he was a lert

jenny_o said...

Your mother was dang lucky he didn't take the baseball bat with him instead.

Joanne Noragon said...

The best read today.

Delores said...

By morning the battery will be run down and there will be no further needf to isue commands.

Al Penwasser said...

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Well, that's a little bit of dumb.
Sorry.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Okay. I cackled. This one's a gem. YAM xx

smalltownme said...

Love it! My husband told his phone to call him "Master."

Leenie B said...

Divisive devises tend to bring out the hostilities in people.

Every blogger should have a dad like yours. What material!

Elephant's Child said...

The nerve of that phone. The charm of this post...

Daisy said...

My car does that! No privacy at all any more!

River said...

my phone sends me messages that I've just missed a call from ?, which is a blatant lie because I keep it beside me and it doesn't ring at all for hours.

Chicken said...

Seems like a good solution to me

Geo. said...


"I’m not sure if my dad is messing with me or not."

Madam, I am a dad of Boys and Girl aged 30 to 43 and agree it is safe to assume dads mess with their kids' heads, but no less than kids mess with mine. Unfortunately, paternal affection can usually manifest itself in no other way.

Val S said...

You mean your folks are having a menage a trois?

Rosemary Nickerson said...

One of the Grand's push toys was whispering at me in the garage the other day. Nearly gave me a heart attack!!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Ah. It's always a hoot when Grandpa tried to use the talking box. ;)

jabblog said...

We have a rogue radio that switches itself on at random times - quite off-putting!

Eva Gallant said...

Love it!

Linda O'Connell said...

We had to put a grandson's talking toy tractor in the freezer to shut it up. I can see this happening to your dad.

Bushman said...

If my phone didn't talk to me then I would never have any conversation at all. It's mostly one sided but beggars can't be choosers!

Daisy said...

I can always count on finding a smile here, Pearl. Thank you. :-)

Emma Springfield said...

This was a great story. I need a good laugh every now and then and this was definitely a good laugh.