I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Next Thing You Know, There's a Man with A Hook for a Hand at the Front Door

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my sleep patterns, and I think you should know about it.

Here it is: Every night, I wake up at 3:06. Every single night.

Of course it’s to use the bathroom; and I’ve come to terms with that.

What amazes me, though, is that it’s always at 3:06. Always.

Twenty-five years ago, this would’ve wigged me right out. I would have already fashioned some either horribly gory tale about the dreadful murders that took place in my house at exactly 3:06 or a poignant tale of unrequited love that, well, somehow involves the numbers three-oh-six.

I haven’t quite worked that one out yet.

And why? Because I’m a silly, gullible American made permanently irrational and superstitious by years of crap Hollywood movies, that’s why.

Dead people coming to life after they’ve been drowned/burned/thrown out of airplanes/blown into space? Well how else are we going to milk this to a sequel? Places everybody! The producers have a boat payment to make!

People leaping out of ridiculously improbable locations? Hey! Who doesn’t have something bursting through the interior of their waterbed? I’ll buy that! Oh, and when the "director's cut" comes out, I'll buy that, too!

Phone calls from beyond the grave predicting my imminent demise and what?! I can't hear you! Speak up! What do you mean “will I accept the charges”?


Thanks, Hollywood.

Of course, I’m better now. Older and wiser and all that.

Unless of course I’m in the basement and the light goes out.

Or if I repeatedly get phone calls with no one on the other end.

No, really. I’m better now; and 3:06 or no 3:06, by 3:08 I’m back in bed, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) whispering into her cell phone, Dolly G. Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) pushing her wet little nose into my ear.

Now let’s see ‘em ruin that.

19 comments:

Shelly said...

I love how the wisdom of age and the urgency of our bladders trump our youthful fears.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

This reminds me of the movie 'The Amityville Horror'. The main character woke up at the same time every night in the middle of the night and it was supposedly the time that the previous family had been murdered. Eerie! But now that I think back to it, maybe it was just bladder urgency after all :)

Should Fish More said...

The waking at a certain time may not be unusual, I get up at sometime near 2:30 for the same reason. I haven't slept the night through for 35 years, the oldest girl, when 3 to 6, would awake every night to use the bathroom. After she was 4 she didn't need help, but would wake me to let me know.

Indigo Roth said...

3:06? Did you realise the prime roots of 306 are 2, 3 and 17? Spooky.

Leenie B said...

I'm trying to come up with a reason for that specific arbitrary number, but Indigo's idea is more scary than anything I can imagine!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Drat, now I have to think about what happened at 0330h every bally place I lived... YAM xx

Joanne Noragon said...

Play those numbers. That's all I have to say.

jenny_o said...

That is very strange. Or a habit. One or the other, definitely.

From the time our first child was born until there were no more kids at home, I could wake up at the slightest sound. Now I sleep like concrete. I figure I am just making up for all the years before.

Geo. said...

I woke up in 1949. Still groggy.

wellfedfred said...

I would definitely do something with those numbers. Seriously.

wellfedfred said...

I would definitely do something with those numbers. Seriously.

Elephant's Child said...

Oh yes. And snap. Though it is (at the moment) 3.27 when my eyes roll back and say that sleep is over. For the day.

Lin said...

You are probably going to bed at the same time each night...Like...maybe...11:34 (look at that on a digital clock, upside down....)

HermanTurnip said...

This has a creepy Amityville Horror vibe about it. The husband in that movie woke up at 3:15 every morning. My suggestion: Hide the axe somewhere that's difficult to reach.

River said...

Ask your mum if you were born at 3:06am. If not, play those numbers in the next big lottery.
I finally get control over my bladder and sleep all night, then get a kitten, who now wakes me for breakfast soon after 3am by pushing his nose repeatedly into the hollow in my cheek and then licking whatever section of my face he can get to.

Linda O'Connell said...

But aren't you hesitant to put your feet on the floor, for fear the thing under the bed will grab your ankle?

Pat Tillett said...

Somebody beat me to the lottery angle on those numbers.
So I wonder what happens if some night you DON'T wake up at 3:08?

Daisy said...

I used to worry about my feet hanging off the bed when I was a kid...as Linda wrote, ankles can be grabbed. I of course pictured chainsaws ... :8-0

Rose L said...

Twilight Zone time...do do do do, do do do do....
The only reason I wake at regular times each night is to go pee!!!
And if it is raining outside, I get up more often!