I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Showdown in the Women’s Bathroom

A book I've had the pleasure of adding my story to, Moms are Nuts, has made the Hot Sellers list on Amazon!  The story they accepted is "Let's Heat the Ear Medicine", something that originated on my blog.  

Available in paperback and on Kindle.  Tell them Pearl sent you.

  • "These essays are so good and so funny, it makes me mad that I don't know a lot of these writers. Wait...that's the kind of back handed compliment you'd get from an obnoxious mom. Curses!" - Laraine Newman, original Saturday Night Live cast member
And now, back to our program...



Every time I go in there, she’s in there.

No healthy person should spend that much time in the bathroom.

But there she is, in front of the mirror, inspecting herself.

The strange thing is, she doesn’t seem to see me – or any other person who enters.  As a matter of fact, she never looks up from the full-length mirror on one end of the four-stalled women’s bathroom here at Acme Grommets and Gravel.

She is pupil deep in her own reflection. 

It is a shared bathroom, of course – which explains the four toilets – and her standing there, picking over the details of her hair, her clothes, the way she looks first this way, then that, can make for an awkward visit.

One expects, after all, that etiquette be maintained in an office environment.  One enters the loo, does one’s business, washes one's two hands, maybe checks for bugs in one’s hair and/or teeth, and then one gets the hell out.

Tiffani/Ambur/Krystal does not see it this way.

She is standing in front of the mirror when you enter.

She is there when you drop your pants, when you, as we like to say, do what you came to do. 

She is there when you come out of the stall, no matter how long it takes.

She is there as you step around her.

“Excuse me,” you say, a reminder that she needs to move from in front of the sink so that you can wash.

She is there while you wash, while you dry, while you give yourself the ol’ “what-do-my-teeth-look-like” in the mirror.

And she is there when you leave. 


Tiffani/Ambur/Krystal is getting on my nerves.

31 comments:

vanilla said...

Something must be done about that.

Furry Bottoms said...

Yeah, something's wrong. She's afraid to get out of the bathroom for some reason.

Buttons said...

OK even I think that is weird and I am a tad weird myself. B

joeh said...

My office bathroom showdown was with "Curser Dude" very scary

Pearl said...

I guarantee you: you go in there more than once a day, and she's in the mirror.

Pearl said...

Curser Dude. Don't like the sound of that!

Sioux's Page said...

Pearl--I myself try to avoid the mirror at all costs. She would get on my nerves as well.

(And I remember the ear medicine story. It was a funny one--like everything that comes down the pike from Pearl.)

jenny_o said...

You need a new bathroom, like the one at my place of employment. Large enough to get in (just), pivot in place, shut door, sit down. No room for T/A/K, hardly even room for your own self.

It's pretty clear: T/A/K is in love. With T/A/K.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Her issue's are all because her Mom tried to give her a 'special' name. I blame it on the name. The girl is a mess.

Steve said...

Congrats on the book.

Jayne Martin said...

Next time mess with her. Tell her she has a spot on the back of her blouse. She'll have to undress to find it. Heh-heh...

Congrats on the book, my funny friend.

David Macaulay said...

deeply sinister. I have heard these places are very frightening, fortunately I don't get to find out

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
find out where her desk is and send a bunch of Narcissi... Then hope she gets back there to get the message. Tsk. YAM xx

Joanne Noragon said...

Excuse me, that's spelled Kriztal.

Elephant's Child said...

She is improving on the only perfection she finds at work. I do hope that you only have one of the breed at your work place though or the bathroom will get very, very crowded.

Ray Denzel said...

You are inspiring me!

Leenie B said...

Stepping around Tiffani/Ambur/Krystals is just one of those things in life we plain and common people have to do. We are the ones who get things done so there will be plenty of time for them to feel self important.

Congrats on making the Hot Sellers list!

Delores said...

Paint out the mirror with removable glass paint...if she can't see herself she'll dissolve into thin air (or use a bathroom on a different floor).

fmcgmccllc said...

I want Jayne Martin to be my new best friend. Although I might go for the frontal attack and tell her how much I admire her for the "whatever". Yes, drive them crazy.

Or ask if she noticed the mouse droppings.

Indigo Roth said...

Better yet, get a tiny dab of something on your finger. Laser toner is best. Mention that she has a smudge on her back, and as she goes to look, touch her to show her where. She'll curse when she sees it, and in all likelihood will then TRUST you. This is a long slow game you're playing Peg.

Linda O'Connell said...

Wet your hands, do not dry. Fake sneeze, then flick the water from your hands at her. Sweetly say, "Excuse me."

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Would she still be there if you dropped the smelliest of loads into the toilet or would she leave as quick as possible like any normal person would...........one wonders

Geo. said...

40 years ago, I worked in an art supply store and noticed a young man staring nearly motionless at a rack of brushes for about a half hour. Finally it dawned on me to go over, touch him gently on the back and ask, "Petite mal?" He squeaked assent. "Better?" I asked while I rubbed his shoulder. When he regained mobility, he needed to use the restroom. Returned a few minutes later and thanked me. Possible? Sometimes epileptics have time to head for the bathroom before the seizure. A touch or an "Excuse me" can help them fight their way back. You did good.

River said...

Nudge her accidentally(but not gently)as you "scuse me" past then choose the sink nearest to her and be splashy when washing your hands, Be sure she gets water on her skirt and shoes. Accidentally....

Suldog said...

Congratulations on being anthologized! You should be showered with gold coin for your writing and maybe this will do it?

I'm thinking HR would be interested in knowing about a person being paid to stand in front of a mirror all day. Of course, I expect you're reticent to be a tattle-tale (as I would be) but, still, I'm sure it would solve the problem.

Daisy said...

Congratulations on being in the book, Pearl! How cool!

As for the mirror lady--she would creep me out! :D

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

She's a ghost. I can't believe, on top of all our other talents, that you see dead people. You can make serious money with that skill, Pearl. Congrats on your story. That's awesome.

Remembering Grace said...

I had an office showdown once. Now I get in and out as soon as possible. Tiffany/Ambur/Krystal obviously hasn't learned that the office bathroom is a very dangerous place...

HermanTurnip said...

As long as she's just staring into the mirror and not into the stalls, unlike this one guy I knew at work ten years ago...

Slamdunk said...

Ha, things we guys don't have to deal with in the potty. It is usually a do the business and run tactic.

Pat Tillett said...

She gets paid while she does this?
That is more than a bit scary...