I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Cat Has a System

By 4:45 Sunday, the cat is seated on the couch, her attention fixed on the TV. 

In front of her, the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship bracket.  To the immediate right, a can of Royal Crown Cola with a straw in it; to the immediate left, one of her many souvenir ashtrays, this one in the shape of a human foot, the words “We got a kick out of New Mexico!” embossed on the bottom.  In the ashtray is one unlit Virginia Slims.

Apparently the “no smoking” rule in the house doesn’t count if you only have one.

Arranged along the top of the bracket is a neatly arranged row of six exquisitely sharpened Number 2 pencils. 

Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, is ready for March Madness.

Dolly takes a sip from her cola.  “It’th like thith…” she says, but then does not go on to say what it’s like.

Poor Dolly.   Saddled with a lisp since kittenhood, it is a sign of just how distracted she is that she is speaking aloud.

“What’s that, Dolly?”

“Hmm?”  the cat looks up, her bright blue eyes ever so slightly crossed.  A long-haired, somewhat pyramidal-shaped Siamese, she picks up the cigarette, pats the general area of her ribs as the cigarette dangles from her lips.

Unable to find her lighter, she gives up, puts the cigarette back into the ceramic foot.

I clear my throat.  She looks up, surprised.

She had forgotten I was there.

“You said ‘it’s like this’ but then you didn’t say what it’s like.”

Dolly smiles shyly, glances at the clock.

4:58.

“I’ve got it figured out,” she says. 

“Your picks?”

She nods, picks her words carefully so as to avoid “s’s”.  The cat is known to studiously steer clear of sibilant sounds, all sensitive-like.

She nods again. 

She looks right, left, then beckons me closer with one curved claw.  I lean forward.

“I got a thythem.”

Her system last year:  big mascots over little mascots.


I lean over, scratch behind a silky ear.

“Tell me,” I say.

“Four-legged,” she smiles.  “The four-legged mathcotth will triumph.”

She nods to herself as the hands on the clock slide to 5:00 exactly.

“Now if I could have a moment?  I have a bracket to attend to.”

And I leave the room as the cat picks up the first of her six sharpened pencils.


“Yeth,” she whispers, “the four-legged mathcotth will have their day.”

29 comments:

Shelly said...

I love Dolly Gee. She reminds me of me.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Time for a little Haiku:

Dollyth a geniuth
With her number 2 pencilth
And four-legged plan.

Steve said...

A funny basketball loving cat(grin).

joeh said...

So the Blue Devils are going no where.

Dang!

Is Richmond in it this year? 8 legs has to be twice as good...no?

Douglas said...

"Apparently the “no smoking” rule in the house doesn’t count if you only have one."
... or if you are a cat.

I have a system too... the teams that make the most points will advance. Trust me, it's fool-proof.

Pearl said...

She wouldn't let me see the sheet, but I believe she's going with the Wolverines.

Last year's Orangemen broke her heart...

Mandy_Fish said...

Aw, Dolly Gee. She sounds just like my three-year-old daughter.

Now I have a soft spot for lisps. My husband has one too … but it only shows up when he's tired.

XOXO

vanilla said...

Dolly's system is as good as any. Bank on it.

jenny_o said...

I wish the same could be said about the four-legged ones and the game of life, because the two-legged ones have dropped the ball.

savannah said...

college basketball time, right? ;)
xoxoox

Delores said...

Thath our Dolly...she never gives up hope. You'd best have a can of the good tuna on hand when the mascot hits the fan.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

This doesn't bode well for the Oregon Ducks.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh me, Dolly Gee, would you not consider becoming a mascot yourself? Folk are sure to throw tips your way... Thus the 4-legged mascot is quids in. Just a thought. YAM xx

Silliyak said...

Every dog has it's day, cats not so much when March madness is involved.

Leenie B said...

I'm thinking Dolly has as much chance as anybody to win Warren Buffett's billion dollars. Think she'll remember who emptied her litter box for years when she hits the big time?

Elephant's Child said...

I am so on Dolly Gee's side.

bill lisleman said...

will she submitting her picks into that 1 Billion dollar perfect bracket game?
Little cap nip balls on a string could probably be turned into a great ballgame. Cat madness.

sage said...

With Caroline not playing as well as I expect, I have lost interest in college basketball... Oh well, maybe I'll be the one person in Michigan rooting for the Blue Devils and not MI or MSU

Daisy said...

Her system sounds as good as any other I've heard. :D

Gigi said...

Oh Dolly - I hope your system works!

HermanTurnip said...

Think I'll head over to Vegas and place a few bets using this system. Hey, I've seen worse...

Lin said...

I've got a sneaking suspicion that is how my husband chooses his picks as well.

susie said...

Ith Dolly Gee a little o-thee-d?

Catalyst/Taylor said...

Wow! (or meow) Thath geniuth!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Oh how I love Dolly Gee

River said...

I do hope very sincerely that Dolly has success this season.

the walking man said...

So that's all cool because Wolverines are four legged but why Royal Crown Cola and a straw and not just Crown Royal and a straw? It's basketball after all.

Cloudia said...

Ah those magic nights we were left alone!



ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

=^..^= <3

Diane Tolley said...

That's exactly a system I can understand! Yeah, Dolly Gee Squeakers!