I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

When You're Rich Beyond Dollar Signs

A re-post. Neither Mary nor I smoke anymore, but I'd almost forgotten about the day that John replaced their front door...


“I just want you to know,” she says, “that you are free to write about us as you see fit. I mean, I know what we look like to some people, and I don’t want you to stifle anything because you feel it presents us in an unflattering light.”

She pauses to take a drag from her cigarette.

“Heck,” she says. “I know what we look like.”

I am sitting on the couch in her living room. T-Bone, a Labrador of Great Sincerity and Low-Grade Flatulence, has his head on my knees and is gazing upward with the expression of one who believes I may have greasy, cat-flavored treats in my coat pockets.

I do not.

I light my own cigarette and blow the smoke toward the candle.

It is 24 degrees Fahrenheit outside (4.4 below Celsius); and inside, we are wearing our boots, coats, and hats.

We are not wearing our gloves.

That would be silly.

I pull my hat further down over my ears. “Tell me again why today is the day to replace the front door?”

Mary sighs. “Well the new one’s been in the living room for over a month now. It seemed like it was time.”

We gaze out the front door. It is 7:00, her abnormally dark street flanked by mounds of uncooperative snow.  She takes a drag off her cigarette. “Check out the headlight.”

The David Mann mural on the wall nearest the front door has been desecrated by the creation of the new frame, the headlight on the friendly trucker’s vehicle now a shattered spattering of Drywall on the floor.

I shook my head sadly. “The chick on the bike still seems pretty happy.”

“Yeah,” Mary shivered. “Well, she’s been painted that way, if ya ask me.”

Eventually, of course, Jon and Justin have the frame square and the inner and outer doors attached to the frame.

It is beautiful.

The two holes in the doors, however, the lonely and unfulfilled spaces that will house the lockset and knob tomorrow whistle aggressively with a driving Arctic wind fresh out of North Dakota.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” asks Jon. He runs a thoughtful hand through the thatch of hair on his head. “Yep, this is going to be one beautiful –”

“JON!” Mary can hardly control herself. “There are HOLES! Ya hear that whistling? Ya feel the cold? Ya smell what I’m cookin’ here, Jon?”

Jon’s eyes alight on mine, and we grin silently. She yells because she cares.

He bursts into laughter. “I’m gonna cover the holes! Don’t you worry!”

Mary pulls back a bit. “OK. So how are the doors going to stay shut all night with that wind?”

Jon winks at me. “Ahhh. See, I got that covered, too.” He pulls the belt off his pants.

“Hey! Hey!” Mary shouts good-naturedly. “This is a family show!”

Jon frowns at her. “Hey, we don’t talk like that.”

Now it’s Mary’s turn to wink at me.

Jon’s already at the door. “Ya see this,” he says, opening both doors, “I’m going to run the belt through the screen door, then through the inner door, and now I’m going to shut them so the belt is caught between the house and the door.”

He straightens up, arching his back. “See that? Minneapolis Security System.”

Mary turns to me. “When you speak of this,” she says, “and I can see by the look on your face that you will, just remember who loves ya.”

She calls the dog over, who jumps into her lap and knocks her backward.

Mary buries her face into him, talks baby talk into his neck. “Iddin tha’ right, T-Bone? Iddin tha’ right? Who loves our lives more than we do?”

19 comments:

Shelly said...

Jon and Mary- love to have them as neighbors.

Sioux said...

Mary and Jon...almost as entertaining as the two kitties.

Delores said...

Not the time of year to be replacing doors/windows OR furnaces don'tchathink.

Pearl said...

Shelly, they are both very helpful and yes, would be good neighbors!

Sioux, :-) I'll tell them.

Delores, when you are Jon, the right time is when it occurs to him!

Tessa~ Here there be musing said...

-grin- "Feel free to write what you wish." What neighbors!

Glad neither of you smoke anymore! Really glad for that.

Tessa~

Steve said...

I gotta try that belt thing. Cheaper then replacing a broken lock. Just have to figure out how to keep my pants up.

Daisy said...

"a Labrador of Great Sincerity and Low-Grade Flatulence"--so perfect, haha! :D

vanilla said...

Knobs and locks installed yet?

jenny_o said...

T-Bone :) Love it.

Are you SURE you don't have cat treats in your pockets?

Daisy said...

Big Smile! But I'm cold just reading about it.

Pearl said...

Oddly enough, the door knob and lockset has yet to be installed.

Hey. It's only been a couple of years. :-)

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Can't have the handywork completely up to date and then the wife thinking you were free for other things... "that would be silly"...

Hehehe, another fine repost. YAM xx

joeh said...

Ditto Daisy.

Damn I miss smoking!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

I had to give up smoking too. I still miss them sometimes. It's sad, is what that is. But not spending a small fortune on instruments of death? Priceless

River said...

Your title, "when you're rich beyond dollar signs", oh be still my beating heart, in those terms I am very wealthy. (Wouldn't mind a few more of the dollar signs though)
My neighbours are nowhere near as interesting as John and Mary.

Rose L said...

Did it stay shut?

Linda O'Connell said...

You can sure tell a story! the dog description did me in. I am
still laughing.

Diane Tolley said...

Reminds me of the three years I spent living next to the haunted house. Remind me to tell you about it . . .

Pat Tillett said...

If this incident is any indication, they sound like a lot of fun.
Good one Pearl...