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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

That's a Lot of Junk in Your Trunk

Have you winterized your car yet?

Oh, sure. Everyone knows about winter-weight oil, about checking your tires and replacing your windshield wipers; but have you considered how well appointed your trunk is?

A pile of flannels, the snowmobile boots, the sensible hat with the ear flaps? Sure. Who doesn’t have those things?

And I’m sure we all grew up with the idea that a lighted candle in an old coffee can is sufficient to throw a little heat in your average four-door, so you’ve got that old Folgers can back there as well.

Jumper cables, rope, a battery-operated radio, these are all desirable items; and if they aren’t in your car, then I’m sure you’re in the process of pulling it all together.

You just look like the type to me.

But I’m concerned that you’ve not considered the finer points of enforced car squatting.

Have you considered the “Go for Help! I’ve Run Out of Cigarettes!” sign you’re going to need? Because if your car gets stuck in the ditch during a blizzard, you are definitely running out of cigarettes.

And lipstick. You’re going to need lipstick. Once that candle in the coffee can gutters out, you’re going to start to turn blue. Not many people can carry off that look.

Speaking of which, you might wish you had a harmonica with you. When People magazine gets a hold of your I-was-trapped-in-a-car-during-a–blizzard story, you’re going to regret not having worked out the specifics of that blues song you were humming.

Oh, and that reminds me. At some point you are going to wish that you had packed a pint or two of schnapps in your car. Schnapps is a wonderful and warming thing – no matter how false that sense of warmth is – but I would advise against this, as it leads to actually drinking it, which in turn may lead to over-the-top expressions of gratitude when the good-looking tow truck guy pulls you out of the ditch later.

And that’s awkward.

And winter isn’t about being awkward.

It’s about being prepared to be stranded somewhere.

35 comments:

Shelly said...

My only imaginings of being stranded in a blizzard anywhere, ever, are always set in the time period of the Little House on the Prairie books. Pa Ingalls always comes to the rescue.

joeh said...

I just leave my car in the garage until we get a thaw. That is something that happens often in NJ, you would know it as May.

Delores said...

What....no ox carcass to crawl into?
What about a fully charged cel phone and a half a pound of fine chocolate? Throw a little 'dig me out' party in the sedan.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

It sounds like you have had some experience in a snowdrift. I did once and wish I had had a good strong man in my trunk to get me out.

Munir said...

I may look exactly my age or even older, I need my snow hat. Hubby can be proud of my youngish look for the rest of the year.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Check, check, check,...errr, should I have a car?? YAM xx

Douglas said...

We hardly ever get stuck in the snow down here (he said... rubbing salt into the wound of winter) and carrying an open bottle of Schnapps might get one arrested (best polish it off before the cop gets to your window). But I have been stuck in the sand a couple of times... my fault for thinking my car could get just a little closer to the ocean. A shovel (also good for dealing with leftover bodies) and one of those rubber ribbed welcome mats is easily stored next to that ratty blanket one keeps in the car for dating emergencies (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

jenny_o said...

Wait now, is there such a thing as an actual good-looking tow truck guy? Or is that just a Schnapps-fueled legend? All of ours are little, old, wizened, grizzled and tough as nails. But they're still a sight for sore eyes when they pull up to your broken-down car on a cold dark night. With Schnapps, they might look even better.

Esther Montgomery said...

I have a tent in our car in case we get stranded. I hadn't thought of a harmonica. It's a good idea. I'll buy one.

Pearl said...

There ARE good-looking tow truck guys, and I've seen them with mine own eyes. Then again, any man that comes along and pulls me out of a ditch is, by default, good-looking. :-)

Geo. said...

I need lipstick?

vanilla said...

Check. Check; and check. And being stranded: check.

vanilla said...

Check. Check; and check. And being stranded: check.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Oh Pearl, it's obvious you didn't know my Dad.
All of that stuff was just a start...a sturdy lidded bucket for those bathroom emergencies, t.p., hand wipes or sanitiser, a length of pvc pipe with an elbow for putting through a window to get air 'just in case' you get buried. Don't you dare forget to attach an orange flag to the end!
A trunk was never enough to store all the winter 'necessities'.

Daisy said...

I'm planning on not leaving home until spring arrives. That way I won't be stranded somewhere in the cold. :D

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Just checked my trunk and noticed there was only a half eaten bag of Cheetos. I should be good.

hoodyhoo said...

When I worked for the news in Wes'BYGAWD Virginny, a guy got stuck in his car in a frozen ditch for DAYS and said he survived by eating taco sauce packets and sucking water out of his socks. So... I'm prepared?

Juli said...

You could always default to the airport checklist. Reservations to some place warm... check. Bathing suit... check. Airplane... aw, crap.

Daisy said...

As I read this, huge flakes of snow are falling. I'll be glad if I can find my car!

Launna said...

Thank you for the laugh Pearl... I will remember the lipstick for when I get too cold, at least I will look good even if I am frozen to death... lol

Buttons said...

Hoodyhoo I am thinking sucking water out of socks may kill you but at least with lipstick he probably would look good too:) B

Leenie B said...

You've been looking in the back of my Subaru haven't you? I've never used my candle-in-a-coffee can; and my magazine is eight years old, but when my shovel doesn't get me out of a drift I just hang the red lace bra on my antenna and help comes immediately.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Blankets, light and something interesting to read, and I'm good. Although it wouldn't hurt to have some schnapps or Brandy on board, either. And I like that candle in a coffee can idea, I hadn't heard that one. I'm adding it to my list. I am woefully underprepared to be stuck in the snow.

HermanTurnip said...

Although we don't get much snow down here in San Diego, I always keep a "get home" bag in both my and the wife's car. You never know when you'll get stranded somewhere and have to hoof it!

Jen said...

Jenny O, I hear you. When that tow truck guy shows up, he looks like an angel of God. Believe you me.

No, I wasn't actually stranded in the snow ... that didn't fall until the next day. But it was the middle of nowhere. It was cold. And there were three preschoolers with us.

Thank you, tow truck guy. Thank You, God.

Diane Tolley said...

Okay. Got the dog sled packed. Now all I need are the dogs . . .

Rose L said...

Let's see, what's in this van...hmmm, a quillow (a pillow which unfolds into a quilt!)...oh, here are 3 jackets I thought were gone! Hey, here's 2 pairs of knit gloves. When did I get these?? This won't come in handy--an empty soda can. Here is a crossword puzzle book! My hat to make me look "cool." What else...wrinkled napkins, lip gloss, small writing tablet, ink pen, 3 dimes, a few pennies, a can of oil, a stuffed frog...and lots of lint and sand. That's it. My winterized van!

River said...

We don't get that sort of winter down here, thank goodness. Like Delores said, don't forget to pack in some chocolate, also some books and extra batteries for the torch you'll need to read by when it gets dark.

Steve said...

Funny post.

jeanie said...

I have winterised my life by ensuring snow and I keep a very respectful distance apart.

Therefore, for in car stranded survival kit, I recommend sunscreen and good walking shoes. And probably a beer for the tow-truck guy.

Perpetua said...

There speaks the voice of experience! Here in the UK an inflatable rubber boat is the new must-have car equipment. :-)

Linda O'Connell said...

So, did you bum a cigarette from the good-looking tow truck driver? :)

hoodyhoo said...

Just another reason to always wash your feet!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

The coffee pot and candle are supposed to keep you WARM? I always thought that was to melt snow for drinking water. Shows how ill prepared I am for winter driving...

Pat Tillett said...

Thank goodness, I've never lived anywhere that I've had to prepare for this. I'm prepared for the heat of the desert though. Lot's of water and food in the trunk.