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Monday, February 10, 2014

Part One: The Cat Looks Suspiciously Pleased with Herself

The cat, uncharacteristically, is at the landing near the top of the stairs when I come through the front door.

“What’s going on?” I say.  “Why do you look like that?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, purported owner of a Nail of the True Cross, world record holder in the gerbil shotput and beauty school drop-out, smiles vaguely, her tiny black lips curling at the edges ever so slightly.

“Hmm?” she says.  “Can’t a kitty await her favorite human?”

“That’s it,” I say, dropping my bag on the settee.  I begin the task of removing the multiple layers of clothing necessary in a world cloaked in single-degree temperatures.  “Everyone knows your favorite human is whichever one is holding the creamer.  What’s going on?”

Liza Bean Bitey’s smile widens.  “Too true,” she murmurs, “although you do have a way with it.  Why, just the other day, I remarked to that other cat about the grace with which you deport yourself.”

I grin, pull the last of my woolens off, and climb the last five stairs to the apartment.  “That other cat,” I repeat.  “You mean Dolly Gee?”

Liza Bean and Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, have never truly gotten along.  Dolly had been picked up with the thought that Liza Bean needed a companion, and a more muddled thought process has yet to have been recorded. Upon meeting, Dolly Gee had attempted to remove one of Liza Bean’s ears.  Liza Bean had responded by taking out a full-page ad in the Minneapolis Star and Tribune declaring Dolly Gee a “polyester-suited alley-strutting feline of the most common variety”. 

Relations between the two of them have only marginally improved since then.

“Hmm,” Liza Bean.  “Yes.  The other cat – Dolly, you say?”  She grins at me, taps the side of her nose with a striped fore paw, just to show that she’s made a little joke.

I move toward the kitchen, where Liza Bean leaps to sit atop the table and patiently await her 5:00 Friskies Classic Pate.  “Just a little bit,” she always says.  “I’m not sure I deserve too much more than that, after what I did…”

I fork a third of a can of Mariner’s Catch onto a tiny China plate, set it down on the large rag rug in the center of the room.  She inclines her head just so, nods almost imperceptibly, a wordless “thank you”. 

She continues to sit.

We stare at each other.

Her emerald eyes shine like freshly laundered lust.  “Encontre un gato,” she says, finally.

“Tu sabes que no hablo Espanol,” I reply.  “En Ingles, por favor.” *

She leaps to the ground, sniffs at the plate, then looks up at me and smiles.  “I met a cat,” she says.  “Last night, when I took your car.”

I frown at her, my go-to look of confusion.

“Wait,” I say.  “You took my car last night?”



Come back tomorrow for Part II, wherein Liza Bean begins a story of passion and cat politics.



* 
“I met a cat," she says.

“You know I don’t speak Spanish”, I reply.  “In English, please.”

31 comments:

Shelly said...

Oh, how I love this! No puedo esperar~ (I can't wait)

Susan Williams said...

Dry cleaning lust is ill-advised, at best, as it removes all the sparkle.

bruce said...

you do have a flare for writing...and liza bean has a flare for the dramatic...

should be quite a caper!


jenny_o said...

It's going to be a great week ... it's starting off with a kitteh story from Pearl :)

"that other cat"
That is SO Liza Bean. Such classy disdain!

Delores said...

"Like freshly laundered lust"....that IS sparkly. I hope she filled the tank as per your usual agreement.

joeh said...

Uh-oh

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You don't speak Spanish, but you are fluent in cat.
I do hope we get the story about the gerbil shotput someday.

wellfedfred said...

oh, I am loving this.

vanilla said...

Hoo, Boy. Now what?

Steve said...

It has to turn out.....

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Point #1; she's telling you, therefore the car is back safe - why are you worried??

Point #2; she met a cat - and you are not worried??

...I'm adding up to three here and it's just in time for Valentine...

YAM xx

Laoch of Chicago said...

Cat tales are always enjoyable.

Daisy said...

An adventure awaits! :D

bill lisleman said...

I'll venture a guess - a Spanish cat, one who knows the tango and is free with the gin.

Gigi said...

What is Liza up to now?!

Merlesworld said...

She's a clever cat, if one of mine drove a car I would buy them one.
Merle...........

September Violets said...

Cats at the wheel ... can't be good :[ Wendy x

September Violets said...

Cats at the wheel ... can't be good :[ Wendy x

Elephant's Child said...

What a treat to come back too. And cats ALWAYS look pleased with themselves if any 'bad behaviour' is involved. It is a rule.

Leenie B said...

Trying to find a feline friend for one's resident cat is mostly destined to fail. Unless they were born together, the cats at our house barely tolerated each other and usually only agreed on their disdain for inexpensive cat food. When they borrowed the car they wouldn't carpool either.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Can't wait to find out what Liza Bean is up to this time...and what your response will be!

yippee said...

You need an agent, but you would have no use for an editor. Brilliant, as always.

Pat Tillett said...

Another clash between the species!
Loving it so far...
Very good Pearl!

Daisy said...

Uh Oh! I won't sleep at all tonight.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Why I am not surprised? I am quite sure Liza Bean Bitey is capable of most anything.

HermanTurnip said...

Heh...I love it when your cats "borrow" your car. But hey, at least they fill it with gas, so you can't remain cross for too long. ;-)

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I had no idea that Liza Bean was multi-lingual. Will wonders never cease?

River said...

"I met a cat, when I took your car last night"...how innocently she says this. Liza is a sneaky one.

Sioux said...

Pearl--I would say your kitty stories are my favorite, but anything you dole out is entertaining.

Diane Tolley said...

"...after what I did." Oh, the ominous sound of those four little words. I'm a-quiver, waiting for tomorrow!

Indigo Roth said...

Ah yes, one of THOSE conversations. Yavin doesn't drive, but is a magnificent navigator. I await the "coming of age" of Hoth and Sollust with some trepidation.