We’ve a new operating system at work. And as with all other major changes, Acme Grommets and Gravel, a Worldwide Octopus Company, has adopted the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” path to training.
In other words, I shall miss you all dearly.
The e-mail regarding this change was succinct.
“Dear Colleagues,” it begins. “Over the weekend, your computer was migrated to our new system. By now, you will have discovered that your documents are no longer where they were, your passwords replaced with a need for a 14-character/Sanskrit/hieroglyphic combination designed to challenge your senses.
“We here at the IT Department are pleased to report that seven out of ten of us hope that you live through the next few days. Should you find yourself, however, at wits’ end, please know that we stand ready to serve, Monday through Friday, between the hours of 10:00 Central and 10:15 Pacific. In the likely occurrence that you reach our voice-mail, and the unlikely occurrence that we actually listen to it, please leave us your name and issue. We will play them during Happy Hour, mocking your respective accents, and drawing straws as to who we get back to.”
This new system has been met, of course, with the usual wailing, the standard exclamations regarding both murder and self-harm, the whispered rumors of mythical corporations where the worker is informed of game-changing conversions.
Have you heard? There are companies that value their employees, where good work is rewarded, not with 25-cent cans of pop in the breakroom but with pay raises, affordable benefits, and training on updates!
I feel the stirrings of my inner-activist. She’s a stalwart, sincere little woman about five feet tall, a fist-shaking idealist with socialist ties.
She wears sensible shoes, and I like her.
Shh. You hear that? Here she comes, and who can resist?!
Join me, citizens! Put down those leftover bagels from Accounting’s meeting! Push away from your natty office chairs: Rise, stretch, groan a bit, and make your demands!
I want to know where my documents went!!