I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hey, If You Can’t Rely on the Fridge for Inspiration...

I’ve been uninspired for days.

It started when I discovered that I had only three kinds of mustard in the fridge.

I stood inside the open door, the cool air wafting over the ledge with the chocolate milk on it, past the sour cream, past the cellophaned, half-gone onion.

Blink.  Blink-blink.

Yellow mustard, horseradish mustard, and stone-ground mustard.

“I don’t see the problem,” Willie says, peering into the refrigerator.  He frowns slightly, scratches the back of his neck. 

Willie also does not see the problem with, say, having only one color lipstick or one throw pillow on the couch.

“Well,” I say, “We’re having ringed bologna for dinner –“

“With au gratin potatoes?”

Now it is my turn to frown.  “Yes,” I say. 

Mmmm.  Willie loves the ah-rottens.  He grins.  “So what’s the problem?”

I stare at him, shutting the fridge door. 

“Oh,” he says, nodding.  “You were going to mix them together, right?  To make a new kind of mustard?”

I laugh. 

“You can still do that,” he says.  “Just change the percentages.  Instead of a third of each, you could --“

I hold a hand up and he grins, leaves the kitchen with the beer he came in for. 

Nothing is inspiring me lately.  Not the unending clench of finding one’s self in the rather early stages of The Winter to End All Winters; not endearingly silly insights into the non-problem of not having a wide enough variety of mustard. 

Still.  I’ve always found condiments to be inspirational.

I open the fridge again. 

I have all the time in the world.


And I’ll stand here as long as is necessary.

25 comments:

Shelly said...

Don't hold that door open too long. You all have enough cold in the air up there- hope you are feeling better

Flea said...

That fridge air is so much warmer than the great outdoors. I have to say, opening my fridge never inspires me. You're a far better woman than I, Pearl. I'm inspired by pieces of wood.
www.dogtreatweb.com

Bossy Betty said...

Sweetheart? Are we still feeling sickly? Maybe it's time to get back in bed for awhile. Your friends the condiments will be there when you get back. I promise.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Is my inspiration in my fridge, Pearl? My Mojo - she is surely missing. :(

Diane Tolley said...

I dunno. I find my fridge to be very inspirational. The stories these salad dressings could tell. All the way back to *gasp* 2002. And the science experiments gone very, very wrong. Did we get a cat? Then what's that fuzzy thing back there . . .? So many stories . . .

Pearl said...

The fridge has always been my friend. Just ask the department stores!

And yes, still feeling a bit poorly. If it's not headaches, it's stomach aches, and if that's not enough, there's always hot flashes. :-)

My life: an unending supply of kvetch-able items.

Delores said...

You need chicken soup Pearl, not more mustard. Hope you make a complete recovery soon and keep out of that fridge draft.

jenny_o said...

Mustard and mayo? Good together! Goes especially well on roast beef sandwiches and in potato salad.

Of course that doesn't solve the scarcity of mustards, only the scarcity of condiments.

I hope you are back to yourself in short order.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM]
One cannot have too many condiments to hand. I lament your lack with you. Also wish you inspiration and a boost of immunity. YAM xx

jabblog said...

Could my fridge inspire me perhaps? I don't think so - it just accuses me of being slatternly and the freezer is even worse . . . sigh . . .

Buttons said...

Oh I guess you are feeling better mustard staring will do that it is a known cure for many ailments I have heard. My daughter sells fancy mustards I have many kinds I should take a look it worked for you:) Hug B

Douglas said...

I love mustard! But Faye does not. So I have make sure there is mustard around; who can eat hot dogs, or hamburgers, or ham sandwiches, or turkey sandwiches (for two weeks after Thanksgiving) without mustard? Philistines, I suspect.

Hilary said...

I don't get the needing a variety of mustard in the fridge either. As long as you have the ones you mentioned, honey mustard, dijon mustard, tarragon mustard, balsamic mustard, peppercorn mustard, wine mustard and smokey mustard, what else could you possibly need?

Joanne Noragon said...

My brother-in-law lives on kielbasa, which strongly resembles ring bologna.(A man has to have his meat!) His is so heavily processed that one forkful sets my head ringing. There are far better highs. Maybe the difference is the condiments1

fishducky said...

Oh, CONDIMENTS--I thought you were talking about condoms!!

Leenie B said...

I don't know what your part of the world did to The White Winter Witch do deserve such treatment. I have great sympathy for everlasting dark days and days of wind chill and below zero. Spring will come to Narnia. Someday. Does mustard taste good on Turkish Delight?

Daisy said...

Maybe you could look to the ketchup for inspiration? Just a thought...:)

Hope you feel better soon, Pearl.

vanilla said...

When my fridge speaks to me, mostly it says, "Did you lose the soapy dishrag?"

Jacquelineand.... said...

What is life without (many) mustards?

Feel better soon Pearl.

Linda O'Connell said...

Turn on the oven and stand in front of THAT door. I am so sick of winter. Blah!

Launna said...

Get some more rest Pearl... I hope that cold spell snaps soon...

HermanTurnip said...

Hey, contemplating mustard is serious business. One of my mantras is life is "never skimp on the condiments". It's the little things like condiments that makes life worth living.

Daisy said...

I've got to use more mustard.
Hope you soon feel better Pearl.

River said...

It's winter! The whole country is snowbound and you're so warm you need to be standing in front of an open fridge??
I don't understand the need for more than one mustard, you only put that stuff on hotdogs, right?

the walking man said...

I have been flat for inspiration as well. Then I went to the store and got sugar free syrup for my frozen pancakes and all of a sudden I was no longer mentally constipated. Ever try pancakes with sugar fee syrup topped with sauerkraut? that is some good eating!