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Friday, January 24, 2014

Flip-Flops in the Wintertime; or Sir? I'll Need to See Your Driver's License

It is four degrees below zero outside.

And there is a pair of flip-flops in one of the cubicles lining the yoga studio wall.

“This,” I say to Mary, later, “is what makes me despair over the future of mankind.”

Mary nods – at least I think she’s nodding – and sighs into the phone.  “You’d think they’d die out.  Miserable bastages.”

“I want to see them crying,” I say solemnly.  “I know it’s wrong, but I want to see someone in flip-flops come limping in off the street, toes black, if possible, and crying ‘why didn’t I listen to that one weather guy?’

Mary chuckles.  “These are the same people,” she says, “that will walk from their front door to their car in a pair of sweat pants and a baseball cap and tell you to your face –“

“ – to your face!” I interrupt.

“To your face!” she says, pounding on to a solid object, quite possibly the kitchen table, “that it’s not that cold out!”

I nod vigorously.  “Like they can tell me about the cold!”

“Pfft,” she says.  “You’re like a freaking pioneer or something, out there with that enormous coat.”

“And the hat.”

“And the gloves and the scarf and the knee-high boots.  You’re like an icon.”

“I’m a freakin’ Minneapolitan, for cryin’ eye!”

“You’re a known commodity,” Mary say, laughing.  “Do they not recognize the wisdom that your years of –“

“Heeey,” I say.

But it’s too late.  Mary has warmed to the subject. 

“—experience bring?  Who was around for the double layer of corduroys serving as snow pants?  You.  Who put her little feetsies in bread bags when her boots had cracks in the bottoms?  You.  Who was the gal with the frosted eye glasses groping her way onto the bus?  YOU.”

Mary is choking with laughter.  “Who was once stuffed into the belly of an ox during a blizzard while Pa walked uphill through the snow back to the little house on the prairie?  Huh? Was that you?”

“Stay where you are, Mary,” I say, mock threatening.  “’Cuz I’m comin’ over.”

 “You’re a sturdy li’l lass,” she says with something of an Irish brogue, “and I’ll not have you portrayed differently!  Holy Hannah, we’ll take it to the streets!  I’ll fight ‘em in the streets, by God!”

The line goes quiet.

“I’ve gone too far, haven’t I?” she says. 

“I have to go now,” I say quietly.

I can hear her smiling.  It’s the phone, of course, but we’re professionals.  “I’ll call ya later,” she says.

I smile back.  “I’ll be here.”

32 comments:

Shelly said...

I've never heard either of you actually talk, but in my head, the sound of y'all's convos brings warmth to these frosty days.

Indigo Roth said...

Good grief, I adore the pair of you. I must visit.

darsden said...

So, guessing you don't want to listen to the South whine about the cold down here. Actually sleeting and snowing in Mississippi... YES, that is correct IN Mississippi!!! That is so wrong on so many levels. Alaska is warmer than we are. My flip flops now have socks attached and I actually had to put legs on my shorts!!

Eva Gallant said...

I love your conversations with Mary!

Diane said...

I love Mary. And you. I'm coming to visit with Indigo. When it's warmer. Duh.

Diane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Along These Lines ... said...

Four degrees below zero? Guess I shouldn't complain about 25 F down here today.

Jono said...

If I don't get some more degrees I am going to start separating. I am going to peel into layers of frozen flesh. Minus 25 degrees of separation will be the new norm. At least until April.

Douglas said...

People tell me that cold is better than hot because you can always put on more clothes, more layers. To which I say "Hah!" these same people are the ones who contend that 120 degrees in the desert is better than 90 in Florida... because its a "dry" heat.

Lies, nothing but lies!

joeh said...

You often write funny posts.
Sometimes you write really funny posts.

This is a really funny post.

Leenie B said...

I'm thinking it wasn't a comet that got the dinosaurs but those flip-flops and shorts they wore when the glaciers came out of the arctic.

joeh said...

That may not have come of as complimentary as I meant...

Leenie B said...

p.s. if this were Facebook I would "like" joeh's comment.

The Geezers said...

Well, I will say that the cold weather seems to have jolted your creative juices lately.

Having suffered the same Minneapolis weather as you, I was scheduled to enjoy a week in Southern California for a work conference next week.

Last night a awoke shivering and feverish, with a chest that felt like concrete had been poured down my throat in the night.

I've contracted the flu, despite having had this year's flu shot, just in time for a trip to the warmth.

jenny_o said...

"uphill on the prairie" hee hee!

I remember wearing bread bags in my boots - it sure beat putting on wet boots!

Hope your heat is on now. There's a limit to what even a sturdy li'l lass should endure.

Delores said...

All us po folk done used the bread bags in our boots at one time or another. It's actually balmy over here today....-15 with a windchill of -35. Where did I put those flip flops?

Cloudia said...

Pearl - Want to rent a nice Waikiki condo during Feb? It's OPEN and I'm asking $100 US / Night. 3 Night minimum. Longer stay? $600 / Week!


Let me know, Hon. This is for real!

ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
> < } } ( ° >

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari oM
...and where are the ox carcasses when you need them? &*}
YAM xx

Daisy said...

I saw a woman wearing flip flops and no coat at the vet's office on Monday this week. I tell you some people don't have as much sense as God gave a goose.

BECKY said...

One of our TV weather prognosticators said this morning, "You know what kind of winter we're having when we get excited about a high temp of 20 degrees." ~~ (Or something to that affect.) Yeah...balmy...Just to warm up to 50 so more snow and mud can get all gooey in Vern's paws..and then freeze again and more snow....When does it ever end??? Oh, and Pearl...I just used some black duck tape to close up my old black left boot! I don't think we had that back in the plastic bag days! :)

Daisy said...

In the Pacific North West, I'm sitting here with the windows open, heat turned off, and sun streaming through the window. It's not good. Where is the rain? I'm getting wrinkles.

Joanne Noragon said...

Cabin fever can be as bad as cold. You and Mary need to get out and about a bit.

River said...

I like the phone smiles between you and Mary.
Crazy people down here wear flip-flops in the winter too. Course, we don't get snow...

Ms Scarlet said...

I saw someone in flip-flops and shorts yesterday. Wellies would be more appropriate attire considering this is England.
Mud splattered legs are never a good look.
Sx

the walking man said...

-4 pshaw.

Mitchell is Moving said...

That was YOU in the belly of that ox??? I had no idea. You ARE a sturdy li'l lass.

Linda O'Connell said...

Temp rises ten degrees and dummies here pull on their shorts when it's forty degrees and snow hasn't melted yet.
Something. Is. Wrong. With. People. You and Mary would have a field day here.

Beach Bum said...

Needless to say the temps down here in South Carolina never get that bad as compared to you guys and gals up north as someone who wears flip flops nearly all year I have had some seriously wild looks directed my way.

When someone asks I just say the key to feeling warm involves keeping a Caribbean frame of mind.

Willoughby said...

I can say from experience, the biggest problem with flip flops in the winter is not their inability to keep your feet warm, it is their inability to grip. I used to put them on to go out and warm up my truck, but after a nasty fall on a slippery sidewalk, I now wear something with some good grip.

Kymbo Whitford said...

Next youre going to be telling me it's cold where you are Pearl....

Suldog said...

I hate to repeat myself, but there's little I can do in your case. Here goes...

Brilliant.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

My snarky conversations like that all take place via email. I'm not quick enough for snarky phone calls.