I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Us Versus Them; or Bus Fight!

Six-thirty-something a.m.  Minneapolis is a cold, dark place, a place where, 150 years or so ago, a band of dour Norwegian bachelor farmers stopped their oxen, looked around, and muttered, “Oh, vell.  Vhy not.”

And lo these many years gone by, we continue, both the Norwegian and your standard Wegian, to look around, shrug, and mutter “Oh, well....”

These are the thoughts I have on this, a Tuesday, the 3rd of December.

The bus arrives, as the bus is wont to do, and I step, gratefully, into its warm, utilitarian embrace. I wave my bus pass in front of the doohickey until it beeps, then proceed to my favorite seat, the seat I will always take if it is available, the seat up those last two steps at the back of the bus, next to the back door and the dark, domed lens of the video camera.

Rest assured, people, that should anything felonious/interesting happen to me on the bus, it is my fondest wish that it be videotaped.

Seated, I leave the rest of the commute to the bus driver.  O, how I love him/her.  Their chosen occupation leaves me free to file my nails, place random texts to friends I suspect are also up at this hour, stare out the window at other buses…

The light turns red, and we come to a stop as another bus pulls up, also stops.

I find myself staring out the window at the passengers on this other bus.

I turn back to my bus.  We have 20 people, not including the bus driver.

I turn back to their bus.  I count 18 people.

And just like that, I am wondering if we can take them in a fight.  That one guy up front, the one with the cane and the shaky walk, I’m willing to bet he can swing that thing when called upon to do so.  The black pony-tailed Hispanic gals – how much Spanish do I know, anyway?  We’ll have to pantomime the whole “I’ll go high, you go low” bit, but they look sturdy.

I look over at the other bus.  Pffft.  Three of their guys are sleeping, heads against the glass!

I smile, nod to myself as the light turns green.


Yep.  We could totally take that bus in a fight.

36 comments:

Shelly said...

Orale! (Spanish, slang, meaning "To quote a famous mexican comedian: 'It is a term of excitement like yeehaw is to the country folk.' It does not have a definite meaning but it makes you feel good to say it.") I'll be on the side of your bus in a fight any day.

Delores said...

That's a lot of violence for so early in the morning...if that's what riding the bus does for you I'll stick to the car and searching for a parking space.

joeh said...

Sizing up the other bus for a fight? I thought only guys did that. I totally get that.

I mean Oh vel...vhy not?

Simply Suthern said...

You took a month off for what? MMA training?

I had a similar thought when I was in Phoenix. Couple hundred years ago someone stopped in the middle of the desert and decided "why not".

Pearl said...

In my mind, I am constantly assessing how we will rebuild when The End Arrives.

Or whether or not we could rumble.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

You totes could take them, Pearl!
(What? "Totes" is what all the kids say these days.)
Welcome back! You were sorely missed.

Eva Gallant said...

I love the strange places your mind goes!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Who knew the Norwegians and Wegians were such competitive spirits?

Silliyak said...

Your Viking DNA coming out I suspect. My wife has a line that goes back to Norway. She said she wished she had a little Viking in her, so I grew a full beard and told her "I hope this will do" (not so far....)

Hilary said...

I suspect you could take on a commuter train, if need be. Your mind is an ongoing source of entertainment.

vanilla said...

And thus your imaginary fight sees you through another commute.

Ian Lidster said...

And 'vhy not'? indeed. It's lovely to have you back on the bus, as it were, my dear, talented and lovely friend.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Now that I am finally back in Scotland, I am reminded that we too have 'Wegians' - you could totally take them on...they are made of Glas.

&*> YAM xx

Mitchell is Moving said...

I LOVE the way your mind works. So much better than "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty."

jenny_o said...

Footwear is important, too. Flats and sneakers allow for running, dodging, balancing. Heels are good for whacking with deadly intent.

Wedges are just plain useless.

Susan Kane said...

Only you, Pearl.

Aim for the knees. That takes anyone down.

Geo. said...

Thoroughly enjoyed this, Pearl, even though I am neither Wegian Norwegian.

Leenie said...

At least the Minnesotans were smart enough to look around, and mutter, “Oh, vell. Vhy not,” when they got to the Land of Lakes. My ancestors pushed their oxen up the Rockies and down the other side before they finally gave up.

If it comes to taking on the other bus I want you and your posse on my side.

Diane Tolley said...

Okay! My Viking blood is up! Point me in the right direction! I'm ready!!!
P.S. Oh, how I've missed you!!!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I'm thinking you've got a sequel to Fight Club here.

Daisy said...

I'm putting my money down on Team Pearl! :D

Elephant's Child said...

Dont discount the assistance the driver can provide. A good ramming and the passengers are down for the count before you even open the doors...

Ms Sparrow said...

I'm glad you're back in fighting form!

Joanne Noragon said...

Just over at Joe's reading about shillelaghs vs. pantries and over here it's Pearl on buses. Enough blood lust to go around.

River said...

My mind is far less awake at 6.30am. Waving your bus pass at the doohickey until it beeps? I see people here do that too, waving doesn't really give the doohickey a chance to read the information, just TOUCH the pass to the doohickey for instant reading. Some of our elderly people stand there waving the pass across the front or up and down the front, side to side like they were waving at it....much quicker to touch it to the doohickey.

Sioux said...

You like to live in Minneapolis.
People are cold in Minneapolis.

I can hear it now...ALL the songs from West Side Story rewritten--for you.

Linda O'Connell said...

I want to ride the bus you're on! I see myself as a survivor, too when the apocalypse comes. Oh yeah, we'll rebuild. Bright creative minds will go on and on and on.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Oh God, should it ever come down to it, please let me be on Pearl's bus.

Daisy said...

Road Rage by bus??? Oh Vell, Vhy not?

savannah said...

that's it, kick ass and take no prisoners, sugar! i like the way you think! xoxoxo

Far Side of Fifty said...

Oh..I always enjoy your thoughts:)

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Love your bus musings, Pearl! You take me back four years and more to my own pre-dawn commuter bus adventures! But I didn't have quite the Minneapolis chill to contend with!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

We all missed you during your month off. You make a bus ride into work on a freezing day in MN sound like fun.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

This post made me laugh and I needed a laugh as I was feeling a little stressed due to baby Summer being difficult.

Jocelyn said...

You'd whack those effers with your tumor, for one, right?

I adore you. Always have.
-------------
And now, to be a bit obnoxious...I've posted again on that other blog.

If you have any interest in reading the stuff of a teaching life, here's the latest post (the password for this one is: topics)

http://dipwads.wordpress.com/2013/12/02/my-topic-is-unicorns-and-purses-as-they-exist-now-and-in-the-future/

Rose L said...

This is the season of peace on earth, good will to men and women. So now why do you wanna start a fight??!!!!
Wait till new years!