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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Not The Same At All; or Nurse! My Smelling Salts!

He is skeptical that I will be able to withstand an in-the-office procedure.

I cock my head at him, give him the ol’ Spaniel eyes.  “But we’re already here,” I say.  “Willie won’t have another vacation day until January. “

The doctor, a tall man with slender, pale fingers and the endearingly whimsical name of “Tor”, probes the edges of the lipoma.  Just under the skin of my right shoulder and the length and breadth of a medium-sized plum, the tumor moves slightly. 

“How are you with pain?”

I shrug.  “I can take it or leave it.”

He smiles.  “But you bear it well?”

I sit up straighter.  “Are you saying that you’re out of Novocaine?” 

“No, no,” he says.  “But there won’t be anything else.”

I look around the spare, clean room.  “You really should have some gas in here.  It’s all the rage with the dentists, you know.”

He smiles.  “So we’ll do the procedure, ja?”

“Let’s do it,” I say.

Several shots of local anesthetic later, he begins to cut.  The tugging at my right shoulder is noticeable, but I’ve been married over 10 years.

There’s nothing I can’t ignore.

“Do you know how drunk I’d have to be to do this without some sort of numbing agent?”  I am reclined, settled into something of a medical La-Z-Boy,  the top of my right shoulder bare.  The doctor is standing behind me.  I can feel him smile.

“Maybe a little for you, a little for the wound,” he says.

“I spent last week in New Orleans,” I say into the air.  “Three words:  Civil War amputations.”

“Ah!” he says.  “Horrible conditions.  Just horrible.”

I feel the tugging at my shoulder.  “50,000 amputations in four years,” I say.

There is silence.

“Modern medicine is a wonderful thing,” the doctor says.

I nod, careful to move nothing but my head.  “Yep,” I say.  “It’s a great time to be alive.”

31 comments:

Shelly said...

"The tugging at my right shoulder is noticeable, but I’ve been married over 10 years." This gives me a big smile on yet another day of mindless waiting in dr.'s offices. I'm glad they didn't amputate your wit~

wellfedfred said...

Wait, all you felt was tugging? I am impressed.

Pearl said...

I once nabbed the medical chart that included my son's birth. "Patient bore procedure well." :-) That's me. Bearing procedures well.

Delores said...

And now it's over....hooorah.

Vicus Scurra said...

Truly wonderful.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
True Grit. &*> xxx

vanilla said...

There's the upside: procedure out of the line of your sight!

Simply Suthern said...

Good to hear all is well.

Diane Tolley said...

Good thing it was you... If it was me, they'd have to label the correct lump! NOT the one with hair. And glasses...

Daisy said...

I have a certificate from my childhood doctor, stating that I was "a very good, quiet, and brave patient". dated April 15th, 1943! I pass it on to you Pearl, at least symbolically!
Daisy's Barbara

jenny_o said...

Now, isn't that carrying the practicing for the apocalypse just a bit far?

Good that it's over and done. How did the recovery go? I had a largish growth removed from my arm and it hurt like the dickens when the local wore off. It was nowhere near as large as a plum. Ouch, girl.

Douglas said...

The last time I had an "in office procedure", the doctor laughed when I said "Ow!" and proceeded to give me another shot of Novacaine. It burns, doesn't it?

But it's over now and the Tylenol w/Codeine helps just a bit and you get a scar to impress your friends with.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I didn't squirm at all reading this, Pearl. No. Not a bit. SHUDDER. I'm glad you're better and no one is prodding your extremeties with a sharp implement now. I suspect you maybe just grew that lump so you could get an awesome "Look how brave I am!" story out of it. WELL YOU SUCCEEDED. :) hmmmmm....

Hilary said...

I'm glad it wasn't too serious. Still, you're a strong and stoic patient. And nobody can say that you have a chip on your shoulder.. nor a lipoma. Hope you're recovery is comfy.

Jono said...

At least the Doc speaks Minnesotan! Tank goodnes fer sum tings!

Pearl said...

:-) The novocaine shots hurt more than anything else. And yes, I did grow that little tumor just so that I would have something to write about.

:-)

Now I just need a juicy story about the scar. Hmmm...

Joanne Noragon said...

I would have been doing my damnedest to look. Too bad it was behind you. Good it's gone.

Susan Kane said...

My curiosity would get best of me! I would have asked for a mirror.

fmcgmccllc said...

Eew, I had that done in an outpatient and was eating breakfast by 10, the worst was the healing and the scar. Cause you can't not move your arm.

I just adore New Orleans.

goatman said...

ooooo neato, did you get to see it after? I once viewed a small vial of bone marrow from a needle biopsy extraction from my pelvis. Very red and internal-looking

Elephant's Child said...

I too would have asked for a mirror. And have discovered that medicos take a great deal more care when they know you are watching.
Glad it is over for you though.

Jayne Martin said...

I'm pretty sure I have one of those buggers on the left side of my jaw line right under my ear. I've been thinking of having it removed, but I think my insurance would consider it cosmetic. I'll have to look into that. The Novocaine shots are always the worst. Glad you're back Pearl.

HermanTurnip said...

It's not the pain that gets me, but the mind as it races, feeding itself terrible thoughts with each tug at the shoulder. What you can't see gets filled it with details so intricate and gruesome you begin to grow concerned that you're able to think of such disturbing things on the spur of the moment.

...but hey, maybe that's just me.

River said...

I'm hugely impressed Pearl! I'm not a huge fan of needles, but they take away the pain from procedures, so that's a plus, but for something like that I would have preferred more than a few shots of local. I'd rather be under deep enough to wake up the next day, or maybe even sleep until the healing is done. I'm a chicken when it comes to pain.

Sioux said...

Pearl--I just had dental surgery (grafts, splints, wild things being done to my teeth) and didn't feel much after the shots started working.

I've always wanted to try out nitrous oxide, but all I get is "Mr. Thirsty" along with shots to the roof of my mouth...

I am deprived... ;)

Jocelyn said...

Bearing everything well, I'd say. Indeed.

You move my heart with this kind of post--"It's a great time to be alive."

Oh, yes, we so love you alive.

Linda O'Connell said...

The baby faced doc allowed me into the exam room when he removed my husband's. I enjoy watching Life in the E.R. Let's just say cutting up "in office" is amazing.

Ms Scarlet said...

You should have heard the fuss I made when I had a wisdom tooth removed... even after the numb shots and gas I was a nightmare patient.
I now feel quite ashamed.
Sx

Suldog said...

Well, I'm sure glad I once again have the ability to comment; it seems to have come at a propitious time.

God bless, Pearl. I'll say a prayer (although you and the good doctor seem to be handling things well enough without my intervention!)

Perpetua said...

Ouch, Pearl. Having just had cataract surgery under local anaesthetic, I have strong fellow-feeling with you. :-) I hope the scar will soon fade.

Daisy said...

Ouch! Hope it heals quickly. Maybe you could get a tattoo done over the scar to cover it and then write a blog post about that! :D